Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

I am so glad to read about how your daughters performance went and also how little miss was proud of her school bag and showing it off, even you son's generosity, he obviously gets that from his mum.

I am sorry that you feel that you are getting snowed under again, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about saying you just cannot afford to pay the fees for the music, it almost sounds like they are ready for parents to say it is too much considering what they said to your daughter about it. I think the thing with that list I mentioned isn't just for Christmas presents, I think it is any expenses you have. You need to also try payment plans or extensions, you have no reason to be embarrassed, this is the real world and parents simply cannot afford every single thing a school decides to charge them for. I am not sure why they are lumping all these fees on you this time of the year but I can only assume because school isn't back until next year they need to do it now. You have said before that the people at the office are pretty nice and will help you with this stuff or was that your son's school?

I know it is tough, just need to organise everything you owe and if you need to ask for money from their dad then so be it, any help you can get will be good.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Velvet, I don't think you are tactless. I think it is just how you react in that moment, and then realise later that you missed the moment. I've done that before. I'm Not overley huggy with my older kids but sometimes my older daughter will give me a kiss or hug and i don't reciprocate much. I realise later that it was a moment and I missed it. Does that make sense?

Jay, yes I emailed her music teacher and she said she has an idea but needs to run it by the business manager. I know she was expecting my email. She said that my daughter is a student that they want to support as she is dedicated, a leader in the music department and there is no way she will not b having flute lessons next year. All credit goes to my daughter for being the person she is that makes the school want to support her so much. I have mentioned to 'him' about splitting the cost of the school uniform, he said ok so now i'm just waiting for the money, as always. I do hope i don't have to chase it up 3 times. It's really not fair on me.

[CMF]

omg, so he rang, i asked again about the uniform, yes he will contribute but who knows when and he got a but defensive. Then the conversation turns to my ex husband why don't I talk to him about the bills etc. Told him my ex won't understand or care, plus he pays his child support every week, not every 3 months. He tells me in a joking way that i should get back wit him, that maybe he behaves the way he does cos he misses me (he's done this before) and why did he marry me as i am brunette and his last 2 gf's are blonde and the conversation just got out of hand, i told him he should get back with his ex and why does he care so much about my ex husband's life, that it is not important what color hair they have, it doesn't affect me. He started telling me i am complicated and difficult and i should make a list of what is important to me so he can only discuss those things etc. I kept pointing out that he is always interested in what my ex is doing and his gf's and that is of no importance to me, he pointed out that i keep asking about the money for the uniform and i said yes, because that affects me, what colour my ex's gf's hair is doesn't affect me. He said he is asking about the gf because he dropped off the kids last week and he saw here in the car, but it was a week ago, why is he still asking about it? He just kept saying that i am complicated that i only want to talk about things important to me and not important to him and i kept asking why me ex husband's gf's are important to him. Seriously, why is he still thinking about that? He once told me to get my kids to take a photo of their dad gf so he could see what she looked like. He denied this and talked over me saying i was complicated and exaggerating. I would never get my kids to do that.it was then all about speaking negative about me and saying i'm this and that. Always turns this way when i call him out, flashback to last xmas day. He said i should buy a house off the plan and then sell it to make money instead of working. Yes, flipping houses can be good but i have 3 kids to support, i can't play these games and if it is so easy why doesn't he do it? He keeps asking how much i have to pay in bills and tells me how much he has paid. Why??? I am only asking for what he is obligated to pay. He admitted that yes he lives at home but what is he doing that.

Ys, anxiety again.

[CMF]

I don't know what just happened. The conversion went from talking about the his garden and buying mulch with advice from me where to get it and what type, to to him talking about my ex husband and criticizing me because his I said questions were inappropriate and not important. He said it's because my ex is still in my life ie he drops off the kids etc but that doesn mean i need to think about his gf's and it certainly doesn't mean he needs to know about his gf's. My ex husband is in my life because we have 2 kids together. 'He' is in my life because we have 1 child together. there is a connection between my respective exes and me but there is no connection between my ex husband and 'him'. 'He' and i are not in a relationship so any connection between my ex and i is not his concern, my ex husband being in my life because of the kids should not affect 'him', all my ex does is pick up and drop off the kids, pays child support and school fees, we don't talk much unless necessary and it is about the kids only. I feel sick, really sick and want to cry. I want out. No wonder i don't involve him in things.

That was crazy, i don't know what happened there. Actually i do know, he got peeved off cos i asked him AGAIN for the uniform money, i called him out on his interest in my ex's gf's. same old story he can say what he wants but if you question it he gets defensive and starts to put me down, saying i am the difficult one, i am the one with the problem. Narcissist is the only word that comes to mind.

[kanga_brumby]

CMF if memory serves me right most of the schools you are involved with you have dealt with before and know you and your situation. Yes herang the farther of the child in question for money he should be paying or contributing. You don't have to get back with him if you don't want it it's you, and your body your children. You have to do whats best for your tribe and your self. I know all you can do is remember the past bad stuff, which runs over and over in your head. Which is hard to get rid of especially if one or more people keep rubbing your nose in it like your a naughty little puppy, that's done the wrong. Well even though I don't think we have seen each other but I don't think you look like a puppy . So keep up the great job your doing around those kids of yours. I know how frustrating a job it is. Having people telling you this and that and they dont know because they aren't in your Uggboots.

Kanga

[CMF]

Hey Kanga,

Thank you for your words and support. You are right, I do not look like a puppy but I can tell you 'he' would treat a puppy better. He would make sure it is well fed and comfortable and not suffering. 'He' asked why I don't ring my ex to discuss the bills,school fees etc that may be a conversation needs to be had there. This got me thinking and made me realise a few things;

My ex has been in the kids' lives since the day they were born. 'He' walks in and out as he pleases.

My ex picks up and brings the kids home at a set time. If they are running late or early he or the kids will text me to let me know. 'He' says he will do things at a certain time and never sticks to it, no text or call to let me know and does not answer his phone if i ring.

If I ask my ex to pick the kids from school or something on a particular day for any reason I know he will be there and on time. I may confirm the day before but that is for my own peace of mind. 'He' needs to reminded constantly leading up to the event. He can't write it down or make a note somewhere, or just remember,there needs to be constant reminders right up to the day before. Everyone has to do the thinking for him.

My ex does not ring me to see how the kids are, we don't have that sort of relationship, he has moved on and so have I. 'He' rings every few days to see how we are or to ask about something and he wants a friendship of some sort which is understandable as little miss is still young. 'He' wants a conversation so i tell him if i am anxious or anything. If it is because of his actions I cannot change that. He just will not accept it.

My ex pays his set amount of child support every fortnight, pays his share of school fees/expenses when due. 'He' pays his child support randomly, sometimes every 2 months, sometimes 3 months, the amount varies each time. There is no consistency. I often have to ask for it and then still chase it up several times.

Even though my ex husband can give me anxiety and really peeve me off, he does do what he should be doing for his kids to some degree. I can't stand him at times, I know he can be fake and show off with his expensive car and loud music but he has never abused me, called me names or sworn at me. We have had major arguments but they are different to the ones with 'him'. He doesn't ask about other people's private business, people who have no connection to him.

This is why i don't have these conversations with my ex husband. There is no need.

[CMF]

BTW, another reason, and probably the main reason, I wouldn't have that discussion with my e is that he wouldn't understand. He has his own business, he has money to go out, travel interstate, go away, go to the theatre and shows, fancy restaurants and do what he wants, yet he has cried poor to me despite all this. He thinks the answer is just to 'get a job'. He thinks that i should just go out and get a job and i will earn mega bucks.He doesn't understand that the amount of work that comes with being a sole parent , picking, dropping off, organising school things, attending school things in fact, just being there for your kids when they need you, not just every 2nd weekend. My ex has no comprehension of that so talking to him would be like talking to a wall. 'He' apparently know how hard it is, he admitted 'he' finds it hard even though he lives at home, yet he still make me wait and have to ask again and again. Last xmas his sister owed him money, he ran in and out of the restaurant looking for her to get that money. In the end the reason he abused me was because i had to go but he was waiting for his sister to get the money but didn't say that and i questioned who he was waiting for. i didn't know at the time but it fell into place when she rang him in the car and he said 'oh, did you get the cash out now'. Sohe knows what it is like when you're owed money and need it, he has been in that situation yet all he does is tell me how much he as paid in bills and try to compare to how much i have to pay.

He doesn't like me chasing him up for things but he puts himself in that position, no one else.

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

What an interesting day you had, I probably would of, in retrospect, just ended the phone call if all he wants to talk about was your ex partners girlfriends. Very odd conversation to want to have with you to be honest and no idea why it is of any interest to him. If they were mates or something or had some form a bond maybe but sounds like they do not know each other. They both seem to have their advantages and disadvantages and you are somewhat stuck in the middle having to balance it all which isn't fair. If he wants to talk about your ex's partners then just end the phone call, just say you have to go, if you get defensive with him then it sounds like he will get twice as hard defensive with you which just isn't worth your energy, it creates anxiety that you do not need. Hopefully he just pays for the uniforms and what not and there is no hassle on your end. Like I keep saying, control what you can control. Your sole focus in the kids and try not to get caught up in the non sense of sorts. Trivial stuff just slows you down in reality.

Hopefully the fees get worked out for your daughter and it sounds like the school will help you out as best they can too.

Much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

This weekend I have my family over for my son's bday. Just a small get together.

i paid for the uniform Tuesday, he has said several times yes let me know when you have these things to opay and yet i am still waiting for his half. If he said to me that he did not have the money just yet, that he has to wait for pay day etc i would understand but he has not said that. He told me he paid $7000 worth of bills ie rates, taxes etc yet he still managed to by a pressure cleaner to clean his house. He bought it in the last day or so because Tuesday he asked me what i thought about them and said he would look for a cheap one and yesterday he told me he bought one. I told him rates can be paid 1/4ly he didn't have to fork out thousands up front but he chooses to pay them upfront. That is his business but again it means little miss and i came last. If he knows he has expenses for little miss then why doesn't he take this into consideration? i am not asking him for anything extra, just what he should be paying. The fact he suggested i talk to my ex husband about the bills suggests that he thinks i am asking for more than i am entitled to which I am not. He always wanted kids (what a joke eh) but i honestly do not think he ever considered that they cost money to raise, they are a responsibility. He had no idea and now he takes it out on me. He has a lot of annual leave owing and has been told to take it, this is good for him to work on the house but i have told him, many times to try and save some for next year so that if i am working he can look after little miss. i am sure his work would understand this. His response...'let's wait and see what job you get first' well, it's not going to be a job where i can take off every school holidays, plus you need to accumulate the leave first. Just another avoidance of responsibility, using everything for his own benefit and not consideration of anyone else.

I'm guessing he won't be ringing to see how we are for a while too. God forbid, I May ask him to be responsible for something.

[CMF]

Why did I have to meet him? Why was he placed in my path? Why, why, why?

Slowly wearing me down, always waiting, walking on eggshells to avoid abuse.

dear God...why?