Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

CMF · ‎30-11-2017

Little miss' dad did that because he is a control freak and thinks he is the boss. he is trying to assert authority over me like he does with everyone. I asked little miss if she saw her grandparents and she won't talk to me about it. She said she just wanted to come him, that she asked to come home whilst at the beach but he took her to his place instead. I have a feeling she had been asking to com home but because he is a control freak he would have kep her there because he keeps saying she needs to get used to it. Yes, he is right but considering she hasn't seen his parents for 12 months, hasn't been to their house for even longer and hasn't been out with him for 12 months i think having her for 7 hours was a long time. She needs to get used to it but in small doses. He said she ate, she was excited when she saw their cats and her kinder teacher said she was proud to be picked up by her dad but i know her and think it would have been a bit too much especially as it was getting late and dark and she was getting tired. He is a smart arse not answering my calls and keeping her there. i mentioned i may go shopping and he used that as the excuse, that i was going out. It's Like he is trying to make up for all that he has missed out on. This is why i don't trust him because he is not capable of following rules or requests, even in life in general. Pays bills late, thinks seat belts and pedestrian crossings are stupid, uses his phone whilst driving even to look up things on the internet. He is in a league of his own. I asked him to ring me when he was on his way to pick her up from kinder so that i knew he was getting her because he could have been held up or running late as always. I did not get a call so i rang him at 2pm which is when i would leave. No answer, ring again,no answer, 3rd ring he answered and said they were at his house. Why couldn't he ring like i asked? Maybe he forgot, most likely he did because he forgets everything, but i think he also wanted to control the situation because that's what happened, i had to chase him, he was in control. He doesn't answer my calls on purpose because he need to control the situation not have me in control. It his superiority complex, must be in control, can't have someone telling him to do something. All week has used a time of voice with me that i do not appreciate, it is a peeved off tone but previous to that he was absolutely fine so I don't know where the attitude is coming from and i don't like it.

CMF · ‎30-11-2017

I found this today, I like it but wish it was this easy;

Dear self.

Don't get worked up over things you can't control, people you can't change. It's not worth the anger build up or the headache. Control only what you can. Let go.

Love, Me.

Guest_3712 · ‎30-11-2017

Hey guess what my friend?

It really is that easy

The serenity prayer has been posted here a lot and I have it framed on my kitchen window sill - I was so happy when I could put it up yesterday

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

You already have courage and wisdom my friend - start believing in yourself and things will begin to happen for you in a positive way

Cheers

Stressless

velvetfaerie · ‎30-11-2017

Karma - it so happens. I have witnessed this dished out in recent times around me. Can't say I feel sorry for the recipients.

Hopefully the teens will one day have 3 teens all of their own and then cry to nana and you can sit there and SNAUGH at them.

Seriously, being a parent. Stuff that. Kudos to all those folk who step up to that plate !

V.

Doolhof · ‎30-11-2017

Stressless and CMF,

Thanks for sharing those encouraging and positive messages.

My day started off a little ordinary and became better as the day progressed.

I will consider your positive comments and ensure the rest of the day goes well!

Cheers all from Dools

BballJ · ‎30-11-2017

Hi CMF,

Wow, why on earth would he want to put her through that, it just doesn't make sense, especially if she is asking to come home and I would be sure that she would be tired as well, kinder and beach and the heat would just make her so tired. Next time he wants to take her out, just have to be firm about the time he brings her home, not leave it up to him to decide. He obviously doesn't want people to tell him what to do but if you give him the time at the start of the trip or day or whatever, hopefully he sticks to it. Just an on going battle for you, it is tough.

I like that quote by the way, I also wish it was that easy, but it is so true. Control what you can control... let go. Amazing simple sentence.

Much on for the weekend?

My best,

Jay

Quercus · ‎01-12-2017

Hi CMF,

Thank you for the kind words on my thread. I smiled at the haworthia comment, they are beautiful.

I wish I had words to help but I'm blank. The only words that came to mind for your exes were innapropriate... And to your son were... You don't like it? There's the door. Sometimes I think we have to grow up and be forced to fend for ourselves to appreciate what our parents give. Doesn't help you though.

❤ Nat

velvetfaerie · ‎01-12-2017

Thank you for your kindness. I’m ok 😀

his ex is bitter coz he found happiness before she did. It’s been 9 years over and now they are finalising things. I understand that there was no need back then. When he has his new place , in 2 weeks, she won’t be pulling the strings anymore. Hes a soft gentle person who’s taken her crap too long and he’s now got the strength to stand up. His mum has moved to the city to help him too.

Im thinking of staying at my friends place for Chrissy. His three terrors, 19,17 and 14 are like my own. Known them since day dot. Their mother isn’t insterested in them now she has new hubby and child.

why has Stressless gone????????

OMG!!!!

CMF · ‎01-12-2017

Velvz,

Glad you have somewhere to spend chrissy and glad he is ready to stand up to her. I am feeling lost and overwhelmed atm.

My son has had really bad anxiety this week. He gets nervous but this is extreme, wont eat, feels sick all day. I think he is anxious about starting year 11 so i have spoken to his teachers and they have offered support. I feel awful for the big fight we had last week when i walked out and said i wouldn't com back. He is at his dad's this weekend as it is his bday and they are having his family over tonight. He told me he doesn't want to sing happy birthday and have to stand up and he is anxious to see everyone. He did go to his GF's today so i was happy he got out of the house. My daughter was upset going to her dad's saying she has nothing to wear. Everything is either too casual or too dressy. Always have this issue when she has something on with her dad family. I'm worried she feels she has to keep up with them. I pointed out that if she has a function with her dad she could ask him to buy her something to wear. i don't see why i should fork out the money when it is to go out with him and his family. He told her recently, when he kicked our son out that she could spend more time there and he could buy $1000 worth of clothes if she wanted but none of that happened. Instead he told them he pays X amount of $ in child support and that is to buy clothes for them. They have a dinner dance tomorrow, his sister's 60th bday and going into the city for NYE...why should i buy the clothes for that? I can barely afford to live atm and still wondering how to get through xmas. Lastly, the open house the Re agent organised for tomorrow has been postponed. As we are expecting extremely heavy rain and floods tomorrow one of the interested buyers who is coming from across town has decided no house hunting tomorrow and a few others were not sure. I completely understand as i would not want to go out in that rain so it's all good but i am disappointed as i cleaned up all the front and back and the house is looking so tidy plus the older kids are at their dads. My son freaks out when i say i want to sell so this weekend was perfect for the open. I also feel i just want to get out of here, i can't do this anymore. Maybe the buyer from across town is my buyer and the universe is sending a message, to wait for them? I don't know, i just feel like i'm drowning and now it's getting too close to xmas and kids on holidays. I thought this was my chance,

velvetfaerie · ‎01-12-2017

We gotta have faith. Hold on and ride the storm. It all sounds so tedious for you. I believe the universe can change when you least expect it. I’ve experienced it. Hang in there. It’s a shame regarding the weather ... but after it’s passed ... the sun will come out 😀😀

Cleansing rain and sunshine encourages growth.

we are all here for you.

x