Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hmmmmm, 'he' rang today to see if i wanted a drill he found in the shops that was good. Said No thx as i have one and it is sufficient i thought it was nice of him to ask though. He asked where little miss was, i said kinder, he was surprised and asked which days she goes. She has been going all year, he still does not know which days she goes??? Anyway he suggested i bring her past after kinder where ihe is renovation. It was odd, he said to bring her past cos he never gets to see here cos of the renovation, he said at least he could see her. It was odd he hasn't said that before and he saw her Friday and briefly Saturday, besides, he can see here anytime after work or weekends, he can spare the time. It was just unusual for him to say that, I thought there was more to it.. Anyway i went past and thought, i bet his mum or dad is there and the real reason is for them to see her. Well i was right, their car was there and i drove right past and came home. I was going to park my car but decided to go further up the street, that's when i saw their car. I felt like i was being set up, it may have been a coincidence that they were there but the whole thing was odd. Maybe he told them i was going past, maybe they were there and that's why he asked me to go past, maybe it was a coincidence, it was too much of a coincidence for my liking. Just when feel I things are getting better soebhan like this happens and i am question his motives again.

Not happy.

[CMF]

I feel like he was trying to use me to do his dirty work, because that's what she does, gets others to do what he is responsible for. He has mentioned before that he needs to take her to see his parents and keeps saying oh but i can't cos of this renovation. Always BS they live 2 mins from me and he lives there too. The renovated house is also 2 mins. It is just him avoiding his responsibility and manipulating others to do things for him. I could be wrong, i hope i'm wrong, but i'm not so sure.

[CMF]

It continues. My daughter does trampoline lessons from the time we leave hiem to the time we get home it is 2 hours 4.30pm-6.30pm. Then dinner, clean up, little one gets grumpy -I hate it. I told here i would pick her up from the tram today. I told her at 3.23pm. 10 mins later she rang to say she got of near home as she forgot i was picking her up. Well i cracked it. Told her i do not feel like doing the 2 hour trip to ramploine tonight. I had been sitting in the hot car for20 mins waiting for after after school, she did the same thing a few weeks ago when we had the night market, told her i was picking her up then she got a lift with a friend while i waited 1/2 hour and got stuck in traffic. A few weeks ago she hurt her knee and said she did not want to continue, felt she wasn't learning anything new as she didn't have the confidence for some of the tricks. She then said she would see the term out as it was paid for and she liked jumping. I really do not want to continue this for another 7 weeks just for fun. I am fed up of being the one who does all the running around while her dad is interstate playing tennis with his GF's son. My son has decided not to continue bball but wants to train with them on Tuesday's, said he would make his own way there. He then came home and asked for a lift seeing as i was not going to trampoline. I said no. He is not on a team, is doing it for fun, it is 3 tram stops.

Am i being unreasonable? I have done the sporting run around for years, managed both tennis teams, taken them to training - everything. I've had enough, their dad does nothing, then on top of it i had 'him' trying to get me to take little miss there probably to see his parents.

I've had enough.

[velvetfaerie]

I am speaking as a fellow kind and helpful person here, but I am not a mum.....

If you give give give and all the adults do is take take take, you deflate. I am there myself. Plus they just keep expecting it from you. People love to not have to think for themselves, or use their initiative.....They may as well change their species to POTATO via DEED POLL.

Responsibility. This has been a huge bone on contention for me also this week in a professional sense so I totally hear you. Meet their apathy with apathy of your own. I understand you may find this hard because of it impacting the kids too so....

When it comes to the manipulative - follow your gut. You know this person. Passively don't buy into it, OR actively obstruct it.

The selfishness of people astounds me. Disgusts me. Dishonesty is also something else I hate.

**velvet rant over**

**hugs**

[Guest_3712]

Velvet you're on fire 🔥 today

[CMF]

Well everyone is officially peeved off at me because I didn't do what it they wanted.

Yay me

[Guest_128]

CM,

I going to bed soon,

I just want to stress to you, all you are feeling is totally normal, if you are a single mum,with a partner, single dad, grandparents forced into parenting grandchildren.

Honestly you have a long road ahead,you are old school like me,

Everyone comes first! Then we are used and abused. Yeah it is actually our own fault.

You are such a wonderful mum, they will know later.

But the damage to us will stay raw,

Start delighting, start living, get a plan of little things to do for you.

They are all controlling you.

Please try and stop wasting your energy on that , can't say.

Grow , here's some fertiliser,water and sun.

Stop letting everyone else be captain of your ship!

Dory

[Guest_128]

I sent this to myself.

[CMF]

Dory,

That is one of the best posts I've read and so true. I feel guilty for letting everyone down today, feel like a real b****, but what you have said is spot on. The kids are peeved at me for not playing taxi driver, but never question why their dad doesn't do any if it. 'He' was peeved I don't go there, but what about all the times he's let me down?

Why do I feel I guilty for Being selfish today? Why food I feel I'm always selfish? Have I been conditioned /manipulated to feel this way?

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Well today has certainly been eventful for you. There is nothing more frustrating than being a single parent and having to do everything to please everyone. I think you are doing a good job at trying to make your kids independent and I think the tough love aspect is a good thing in the long term as well. I don't think anyone is saying you have an easy job, why are you making it so difficult, there is no way anyone is saying that and I know everyone respects you for how much hard work you are putting in with 3 kids. I am sure if they understood the magnitude of the battles you are facing it would be a different story but they are just kids, they only think of themselves which is just normal I guess. Not fair in any sense of the word but you are doing the best you can and no one has the right to demand more of you.

I do hope he wasn't trying to get you over there to see his parents, I am glad you just drove off and didn't try to face up to it all because I don't think it would of helped you in any way.

I am sure by the morning your kids will have forgotten about everything that happened today.

My best,

Jay