Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

CMF · ‎20-02-2017

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

Guest_128 · ‎22-10-2017

CC, I want to help you,because I really like you!!!!!

Everything you have described is me and also the majority of us. Noise is a huge trigger prob number one, I've only known it for a few years. ATM I have banging water pipes, DH dog next door that I could give a fishing hook to,my radio has crap sound,people leave that frying t.v on. I sleep with the white noise of my bathroom fan. Then I love music,constantly listen to nature.

CC, why don't you take meds?

Dory

Guest_5218 · ‎22-10-2017

Yes I understand you with loud noises too CMF. I have my TV, radio, etc turned right down low normally. Unfortunately hubby is pretty deaf and is constantly turning volumes up. It honestly drives me crackers! Its like I cant hear anything because its just too loud. Unfortunately I dont have any solutions to offer, only my understanding. (-:

Sherie xx

white knight · ‎22-10-2017

Hi CMF

Hope I can help. Re people judging others.

We do judge, everybody does. Summing people up is judging. When people go beyond what we deem acceptable its our judgemental mind that determines our conclusion "is this person safe to be in contact with" or "will this persons actions cease or continue"? Judging can be a safety need.

Some people are beyond any friendship. Eg I took 11 years of emotional abuse and emotional blackmail, worked 3 jobs so my very lazy wife could stay home with our kids and sleep till 1pm most days.

A week prior to leaving I planned my end. Just before going ahead I reversed my thoughts to preserve my kids their father. I left. I dedicated my life to being the best part time dad I could be.

6 months after I left a former neighbour walk past me at the shops. He didnt return my hello so I fronted him. "You left your wife and kids, I think you're scum. She struggles financially now"

I was in a rage. "Firstly you dont know my marriage, second you dont know that she benefits more financially than I do and thirdly its none of your business."

I was a generous dad. Purchased clothes and food over and above child support. Never missed my kids visits etc. But you still get judged. Single parents do also. Yet a single parent does a mammoth job on their own.

So what ideas can you introduce that can help you cope better? Can you introduce change? Change can be subtle. A friend of mine picked up a old chair at a garage sale. She called it her "ccc..calm corner chair" her rules were- she could sit on the chair to read when alone, think nice things and smile. It was her place for calm.

The same lady visits a cafe in our local town. A coffee and a cake once a week. She has recently taught her children 11&13yo to cook spaghetti once a week.

All these small changes to her life add up to change.

I dont have many answers but we're here do hope you are ok.

You are a good person

Tony WK

CMF · ‎22-10-2017

Hi Dory, I like you too 🙂

I don't take meds cos i don't want to start on them plus they've never been given to me . My dr gave me something for hormone imbalance as we could see the pattern with my anxiety. I still believe my anxiety is hormonal. I don't use antibiotics or pain relievers either, just fish oil, iron when needed and sometimes b complex, again suggested by my dr.

Guest_128 · ‎22-10-2017

Your dr has know idea,

I am asking all our friends to give you there opinion on this matter.

I am not a Dr but I strongly suggest you get a second opinion.

YOU DONT HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS. The meds soften all of what your talking about.

CC, give it some thought,you are not failing anybody by taking meds that can manage your life.

You are failing your life by not giving it a go.

Please get a second opinion,you owe it to yourself.

Dory.xo

velvetfaerie · ‎22-10-2017

Hey CMF,

Do you see a psychiatrist? Sorry if I missed if you do. Been a long good busy positive sun drenched day... bit tired lol 😂

cxxoooo

CMF · ‎22-10-2017

Sherrie, thanks for understanding.

Dory, thx for caring.

Tony, you've given me things to think about. Small changes are a good idea, I have made some to make life a bit easier, might need to work on some more.

Velvz, was seeing a psychologist but need another referral.

feeling a bit lonely tonight.

white knight · ‎22-10-2017

Hi CMF

thankyou for at least considering some minor changes.

I used to shower in the evenings then swapped to the morning to tevitalise me for the day. It worked. Small changes can work.

Youve probably mentioned your children ages. Sorry if you have. Anyway loneliness is hard. Have you considered meeting someone? They dont have to be partners just friends to go out with, chat with etc.

Tony WK

CMF · ‎22-10-2017

My kids are 15, 14 and 4.

No interest in meeting someone. I do like my solitude, just get lonley at times, possibly due to the romcom movies I watch on tv.

i can't even explain how I feel about meeting someone, even just for friendship, it would be so complicated. I just can't do it, I'm too tired and battered to even want to. The thought of it drains me.

Guest_3712 · ‎22-10-2017

Hey CMF

My dear friend

In so much turmoil and yet you still post on my thread . Thank you

I wish I had the magic words to make it all right for you . That one piece of advice that makes a difference to your thinking.

All I have to offer you is this . You are a kind sensitive soul , with a lot on your plate .

I think you should go and get that referral to see your psych - and if that leads to meds then maybe you should consider that option

You deserve to feel better than u do. You deserve to feel safe and secure. You deserve all the happiness in the world

Stressless