Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Isn't it funny how the anxiety actually makes us think the worst like why haven't they called etc and then the eventually do. I wish these people would understand making someone wait that has anxiety is the worth hehe. Good that you got the call and that you are looking at all the positives. I'm not the biggest fan of when you said move in with him temporarily even if it is rent free, I think the stress it would cause you would be far greaters than necessary. Of course just my opinion.

Hopefully he can look after little miss on Friday and I know you have been planning this market stall for a while and really want it to be a success for you because you deserve it.

Side note: I really like that this person has a brother who is building two houses and will let you see the plans, that may be really beneficial to you even if this particular person isn't too interested in your house.

Lots of positives today. I love it.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Thx Jay,

i wouldn't be moving in with 'him' as the house he's renovating is to be rented out he previously did. He will still be living with his parents. There is NO WAY. Could live in the same house as him. Actually I don't know if I would want to live in his property either. I don't want too many connections plus it has an awful kitchen and no eating area. It was just a though if I got really stuck.

inwill be spring cleaning today. Agent told me not to stress about it but I prefer to present the house as best I can.

How are you going Jay?

[CMF]

I need vacuum, mop, dust and ,clean bathrooms. Should i do it today or in the morning afer all the kids are out of the hosue so it is fresh? The agent told me not to stress too much as it is not a formal inspection, however i will feel better if i present it as best i can. Want to get some fresh flowers in the morning for the hallway stand. Not sure if just the hubby is coming or his wife also. The hubby won't care but the wife will. Before they get here i want to water the front garden so it looks and smells fresh. Hope it is a nice day as my house looks really nice on a sunny day.

[Guest_128]

CM,think you will know these,just in case you don't,

KISS keep it simple stupid,

Dont sweet the little stuff,

open windows,doors let as much light in as you can,

DECLUTER, box everything and hide wherever ,Less is more,

get rid of any photos

entrance is key,first impressions

smell throughout house,

concentrate on BBQ area,kitchen,play area for new baby,and garage.

if they are keen, ask them how much.

Dory

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Ahh sorry, I misunderstood what you meant. I would try to avoid anything to do with getting something off him as it sounds like he may just hold it against you down the track. What did you end up doing, cleaned it all today or going to do it in the morning.

I hope it all goes well, can't wait to hear about it.

I am doing ok as well, thank you for asking.

I found a video clip today on Youtube and though of you, you should listen to if you have time, only 3 minutes and anyone else reading this too, please watch - it's a spoken word poem by a motivational speaker who suffers from depression and talking about our life battles and the clip is called "You life isn't over", listen to what he says, many great things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlHMzIdEikE

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

thx Dory and Jay,

I'll be sure to look at that clip Jay, thank you.

I did the majority of the cleaning this morning so it would be fresher. Wow, talk about rushing but i am happy with how presented my home. So the guy had a look, haven't spoken to the agent yet about feedback but he did say he liked it. I heard them talking out the front and i'm assuming about the price of his townhouse as i heard him say we will get it' t is more than i am willing to spend. Having said that i looked at his and it is not really what i am after or to my taste. Very expensive fittings and fixtures ie chandeliers and a $22000 staircase. Whilst it was fitted with quality things, this is of no interest to me and it was too small and pokey. The 2 brothers are builders and have some town houses being built around the corner from me so they said will get me a copy of plans. Whilst the agent and i were talking out the front of their townhouse the agent i usually deal with turned up. Well, we had a good chat about i want, why i am hesitating and i did feel better. I have emailed a list of what i know i want now. We chatted like we used to so i guess all my thoughts about being fobbed off my have been my negative thinking kicking in. I did point out that i feel like i am wasting their time but they pointed out it is there job to do what they are doing and it does take time. We have agreed that if they have underbidders that may be interested then they will bring them through.. He did mention he has been looking for something for me for a while now but he hasn't brought anything to my attention which i find funny, he probably doesn't even realise this. Maybe he did forget about the job email i sent him after all? I'm not going to worry about it now, will see what i want to do next year. I do feel like we are all on the same page again which is nice.

Other than that, nothing more to report really.

[CMF]

Oh yes, haven't heard from 'him' re this Friday and whether he is taking day off or not. I'm Guessing his call Monday was to find out if i could take little miss with me and then he pick her up from the market. He knew already what he wanted to do but he kept saying ok so it is an option for me to take here and him come there to pick her up. He knew exactly what he was going to do but was making sure i could take her. I wish he would just be honest and say i can't be there by 3.30pm take her and i'll come there. he is never straightforward, always dancing around things.

[CMF]

Dory, btw, yes they were good looking tradies 😉

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Well sounds like it went ok and it is good you made a decision pretty quickly that the house wasn't for you. Amazing how our negative minds turn little things into big things hey. Mine does it all the time too. These real estate agents are always busy as the market is the hottest is has ever been in Australia so I can understand that they forget about certain things but it does sound he did remember you and your needs. No point wasting your time if he didn't have anything reasonable to present you and at least they have a list of what you are after as well. Good thing to hold off on the job front too, sounds like taking the job at this point may have got in the way of your day to day life and managing everything accordingly with little miss and what not.

Maybe just call him and ask if he can take the day off on Friday or not, ask him what his plans are as you need to organise your plans.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay and anyone else reading,

How is/was the weekend? I am very tired today but have had a positive few days. The RE agent i normally deal with, Mr C, and I seem to be on the same page. I've been able to explain what i am looking for if i were to move and i am glad i told them that i feel i'm wasting their time as they seemed to be understanding. After a few emails back and forth he told me not to worry as I am one of their most laid back clients which was nice. I feel better about it all again for now. He is so right, if i see the right place i will know it. I did know this already but thought it was my doubts interfering.

Last night we had the twilight market at my son's school. Wow, went better than expected. My daughter sold most of her hand drawn cards and framed pictures and got so many compliments.People could not believe at 14 years of age she was drawing the way she does. I sold some of my pots, candle holders and jewellery. we covered our costs and made a small profit so we were really happy. The community was lovely, there were only about 10 stalls, many of the stalls were 2nd hand goods or fundraising. People commented that our was the best. It was just a good night. "He" met us there and actually complimented our crafts. There was no negativity from him. I could not believe it. He actually said they looked good and gave me some tips if i want to try and make a business out of it. He then took little miss home for dinner and she screamed she wanted me but did calm down. His parents weren't home so they did not see her again.

I'm very tired as it was a long day getting ready for the market and i was a bit anxious as always. I woke so early this morning for some reason and could no get back to sleep.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend.

cmf