Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

I was only responding to your post from the 4th about the anxiety question....and overthinking

Everyone is different of course. If the anxiety is effecting your day to day well being then its like an infection, we have to see a GP/counselor. Anxiety is environmental but also physical as per the chemical changes that occur in the brain for this awful disorder to occur in the first place.

I just noticed Jay posting about the way you mention 'him'. Jay is spot on here with his post above CMF.

My mum is 86 and separated from dad after 49 years of marriage. Dad passed away as you know last November and my sister, brother and myself keep saying not to refer to dad as 'him' even this week. Mum just wont let go of the 'grrrr' for dad and has been having a crap effect on us 'kids' since they separated nearly 20 years ago

Saying 'him' is only keeping 'him' alive and well in your mindset. Just my 2cents worth...

Paulxo

[CMF]

Hi Jay and Paul,

Gee I'm lucky to have you guys.

Haha i agree, going back to sleep for a while after waking with anxiety does help lol. With regards to 'him,' you are both right, i shouldn't give him any thought and keeping those quotes to show him would only fuel his abusive behaviour. I cannot forgive unfortunately, but I can move on. I was thinking today (surprise, surprise) than when I do have thoughts, about all the things he has done that are wrong, instead of going over and over them in my mind i should write them down. i am a big believer that when you write things down you clear your mind as you are removing the thoughts. It generally works for me, like making a list of things to do, you write them down so you don't have to keep thinking about them. By writing down the things i think about what does to manipulate, i will clear them from my mind and i think as i see just how much there is and how long it has gone on for it will reinforce to myself that he is not worth my time and energy. I won't have to think about them as i know they will be documented, for my reference/sake only. I know this will clear my mind of useless thoughts and make space for more positive things.

Taking ownership and responsibility for your own life is so empowering. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes as we learn from them and grow stronger. I have made many mistakes that people may say i am stupid for, but i know that at the time they were the right decision for me, even if things didn't work out as planned.

I started to feel much better yesterday and i feel ok today but my heart has started racing a little, don't know why but i am ok. I did another drop off to the op shop and donated a toy box to our local tennis club. I have been texting my family to see if they want anything i am clearing out, but they are not really helping me hehehe. No more hoarding stuff, it's about me now (and the kids of course). I say i have not much support but i have a nephew that i know would help if i ask and my brother might but it always feel like a burden asking him. I like the way i have rearranged my bedroom, it's more me. I am becoming more and more my own person. "he' will make contact eventually but i need to remember i am ME and i will not let his stupid made up thoughts control what i do or make me feel guilty for no reason, cos they are his problem not mine. I won't be controlled anymore. I am my own person.

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Darling CMF.....you remind me somewhat of myself so many years ago...when plagued by all the nasty, wrong, unfair, horrible, cruel, stupid, destructive, manipulative "things" that my "he" did.....it nearly did drive me insane. I found solace in alcohol. I paid the price for that too.

I too went over and over in my mind all the unfairness, the helplessness and came the realisation that No, no-one was going to "help" me. At the end of the day (literally I guess) my kids just had ME....I wasted years and years of dwelling on what "he" had taken from me/the kids...but the situation, unfair and cruel though it was....just "was".

I could get on with it....or "not". I took too many years before I regained my life, my personality, my uniqueness, my "me" ness! My kids and I could have been SO much happier if I had just let "him" go. I don't mean "let him go because I still loved him"....Far from it! The pain and anger was seeing him as he really was. A weak man, a selfish man, a cruel man......a man who was not even worth a single second of my thoughts!

Your problem with Child Support I do understand and sympathise. Is the Child Support Agency any use in having him pay more often than he does? That's what they are there for...supposedly. Pressure them for their help - it's their job!

It takes a while to regain "you" CMF....I know it does. I really do understand your "one step forward and two steps back" horrible situation but I can also see a shining strong woman under there. Who is MUCH more worthwhile and deserving of happiness than "him". I hope you do not take as long as I did.....to find yourself again...but you will. And your kids will survive and they want you to be happy, they really do. Don't engage in any conversation, interaction AT ALL with "him" unless you absolutely have to, for the children's sake. Don't expect anything from "him" at all.........I hope I haven't been too fired up and preachy with this CMF....I wish only the best for you as I do know what you are going through, even just a little........love...Moon S x

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

Thank you for your post. It wasn't fired up and preachy at all. It was empowering. You have solidified what Jay and Paul have told me...let go of the 'him'.

I like this 'The pain and anger was seeing him as he really was. A weak man, a selfish man, a cruel man......a man who was not even worth a single second of my thoughts!' This is spot on.

I have had so many light bulb moments but they just make me laugh now because I did recognise them previously but did not accept them.He has probably done me a favour as now i can accept what I knew but was making excuses for.. What is frustrating is that he will never see or accept how bad his behaviour is because these type of people never do, it's part of the issues they have which I believe stem from upbringing, needing to prove oneself, be right, be the dominant one from having had to fight for attention and to be heard possibly.

I do find it sort of fascinating, psychology interests me, how the mind works, what makes people do the things they do etc. I could write a book about him and his behaviour which no one in his family will ever address, they just sit back and let him be king.

Maybe i should write a book, I'm serious, I like writing. Of course I wouldn't use his name or anything to clearly identify him and it's not an attack on him but a book about all my thoughts but put into a story. I should do something productive with it.

Hahaha I think I already have a title for it...

cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Hi CMF..just keep on being the best "you" you can be and to hell with "him". The only ones you owe anything to are the kids - and they love you, always remember that!

Re the writing....great idea! I write ALL the time - been keeping a journal for years and years now....I told my son that at least when I am gone, neither he, his brother or my grand children will ever have to wonder who I am, what I was all about, my hopes, dreams, fears, pain..I will not be a "mystery" to my descendants like my parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles were! (those generations never really "talked"about deep feelings did they? I wonder what they were so afraid of. )

there will be no mystery about me! In fact the mind boggles what the poor person who finds them after I have kicked the bucket....will think when it's all there....literally...."an open book"!! Oops, my secrets will be revealed then!

My son said "Mum you could make a fortune if you publish those diaries...you're sitting on a gold mine there!"... he could be right. I told him to publish them after I am gone...and he could make the fortune himself!

Have a peaceful night CMF....look up at the sky if you get too unhappy......xo

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

That is the perfect attitude to have - you are your own persona.. doing little things like changing your room is exactly how the closure begins I like to think. You don't have to forgive, not everyone finds the closure they need in forgiving, it's just one of many steps that can help you to move on in your life.

You know I am a big advocate for writing down your feelings and getting them out there for your mind to actually process... I think this a gentle way to tell yourself you are doing the right things.

Remember CMF - CAN move forward 🙂

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Thanks Jay,

I'm thinking...creeping, moving forward lol.

Have a great weekend.

cmf

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

You are a legend and made me smile again!....Jay has really taken all my words so I will quote some of his post 🙂

" You don't have to forgive, not everyone finds the closure they need in
forgiving, it's just one of many steps that can help you to move on in
your life"

You have posted from the heart and your words have brought me peace of mind to read them

Paulx

[CMF]

Thanks Paul,

if I can make someone smile, it's a good day.

very windy tonight, just checked the weather radar, lots of rain in northern Vic...

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Creeping Moving Forward is great... doesn't matter if you literally move one millimetre, that is progress and something that should not be understated.

How was the weekend?

My best,

Jay