Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

Weekend was ok. How was yours?

We caught up with my family as they are going to be away for easter. It was a good night, we always have a laugh with my nephews and nieces and there was another happy birthday for my little one as we didn't do anything the week before. I wasn't expecting that so it was really nice as all the family was there. Actually, I've just realised why my sister was going to give her the bday present a week after her bday, because we were getting together- lol.

Well it has been cold, wet and gloomy the last two days. I was looking forward to cooler weather and rain but i have to admit I feel a little down today. It was dark by 6pm, I'm feeling quite lonely and think it will be a lonely winter. When it is so cold i don't go outside as much so any jobs i want to do around the house don't get done which means i am not so active. Yeah, I'm feeling really lonely and a little anxious. I was out shopping today and it was weird seeing all the easter stuff as we have done our easter whereas everyone else is gearing up for it. They are also putting out mother's day cards and mother's day is always a downer for me. My older daughter tries to make it special but often it is their dad's weekend. Even if it is mine we don't do anything. The little one's dad has NEVER acknowledged me for mother's day. Never even said 'happy mother's day' in 4 years.. In fact i don't recall him ever saying happy anything. I don't think he is capable of expressing any sentiments.

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

mine was ok as well.

That is great to see the family did a happy birthday for your little one, she must of been really excited. Glad you were able to have a laugh, it really does help to ease the anxiety and mental thoughts.

It is getting cold and I can understand how it would feel lonely, don't forget you have these forums. You also have the added benefit of your kids too, just spend as much time as you can with them, they will appreciate it and it will make you feel a lot better too. Have you been going to the cafe much in the mornings recently? Little things like that are great to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Getting dark by 6 pm doesn't help I understand that.

Don't worry that your ex has never said happy mothers day, as long as your kids say it, that's what matters because that's who you want it to mean the most from. You're doing a great job as a mother and deserve every Happy Mother's day you get when it comes around.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

i was going through my threads and found one of my old ones that started in 2014 (maintains civil relationships after being badly hurt) Wow, when I read it I realised just how much ive been through and how far I've come. Even though I'm still feeling 'stuck' and like I'm. It getting anywhere I have gotten through a lot. I really had a lot on my plate and my mind back then. when I read the thread I realised 'he' was different too. His aggressiveness toward me has developed over the years. It was interesting to read through it, to see how things have changed. Wow, it's weird reading back.

i have been to my little cafe, I go every morning. Haven't seen that guy again so it's a little boring - lol.

how are you doing?

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

That's actually a great tool, one that may be beneficial to a lot of people, going back and reading your old threads to see how far you have come and showing yourself you can indeed move forward. Good stuff - I saw you commented on my thread I started here months ago, I haven't read it yet but will read your comment on it.

I am doing ok, easter time this weekend so looking forward to the long weekend with family personally 🙂 Are you planning on doing an easter egg hunt for your little one or was that done last weekend?

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

HI Jay,

Yes we are planning the easter egg hunt. My sister in law had planned to do one for the kids last weekend but the weather turned bad so we didn't get around to it. I have mixed feeling about easter this year. I'm ok with being on my own with just the little one but then again feel a little lonely. Everyone else will be with family. The shopping centres are open (which i don't really agree with) so we may even just go shopping to pas the time.

I was surprised when i re read my earlier thread. i was worried it may be upsetting but it wasn't, which is good. When i read my words i realised that i always did my best to speak nicely of 'him', pointed out the good he had done and was trying to do, tried to understand his situation. It has slowly progressed into what it is now. I'm glad i have that record of events and of course the support that came with it. Yeah, it's good to look back and reflect on old threads, see what frame of mind you were in at the time. It reminded me of how I was treated and just reinforced the reasons i feel the way i do and that i am not the 'disgraceful' person he thinks i am. It also reminded me how his mother thought of me, and what she said, you can't take that away.

Oh well, it is a glorious day here today. Been shopping with my girls now about to attempt to clean the house!

Hope your day has been good

cmf

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

That's ok, I can see how it would feel a little lonely, but just soak up the time with the little one and enjoy it, maybe go to the movies, Beauty and the Beast is a good movie?

Well that's great, it's like a little time capsule, it's a way to remember but also not forget where you came from and how far along you have come. I think it's perfect really. Use it in such a positive way to remember the progress you have made more so than about your ex I feel.

My day has been good, just work and that's about it. I am quite tired but.

My best,

Jay

[CJs_mum]

hugs and love to all on here. Thank you a million for your help - each one of you is worth more than the richest gold, gem or precious jewel in the world. I wished I'd come here a long time ago.
CMF I wish you the best in your journey hun. Keep clearing the clutter (in the mind and in the house) 😄

I hope you All have a wonderful Easter! 😄 Remember who its worth celebrating with! Spend time with the ones you love and who mean the most to you 🙂 sorry if that sounded preachy lol im a bit like that....but i want the best for each one of you and your families, loved ones or important ones. (even if all "family" is is on here (and if so, yay!))
With love at Easter. Happy Autumn!

Keep on moving forwards, no matter what x

[CMF]

Hi CJ's mum,

what a beautiful, heartfelt message, thank you.

I really like this 'Keep clearing the clutter (in the mind and in the house)'

Wishing you and your family a lovely easter also. I hope you get to relax, enjoy and be in good spirits.

Hugs and good wishes to you.

cmf xxx

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

I hope you have a really good Easter with your girls. Are you off to the Bahamas or just Waikiki Beach?

What a heartfelt & wonderful post from CJ's mum 🙂

Hugs (if thats okay of course)

Paulxo

[CMF]

Hi Paul,

hugs are always ok, I love hugs 🤗. I'm confused, Bahamas or Waikiki???

i hope you have a great Easter too. My older daughter and I went across to the park tonight to set up the Easter egg hunt. Hopefully no one goes there in the morning and finds them before we take little miss over. As my son and daughter are home with me tomorrow we are making Good Friday our Easter Day. Sunday will just be little miss home with me so we may go shopping and I'll probably pop in on the forums here. Maybe an Easter egg hunt in the cafe...

Hugs back at you

cmf x