Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[blondguy]

You are a great mum cmf to have everything planned for the kids...You are a Legend!

I failed at being funny when I said 'are you off to a tropical resort for Easter (The Bahamas or Waikiki beach in Hawaii) Sorry about that cmf

Easter Egg hunt in the cafe.....thats another good plan!

Happy Easter to you and the kids cmf. Paulx

[CMF]

Hey Paul,

you didn't fail lol. I was laughing at your joke but then I started wondering if I mentioned something that sounded like I was going away lol.

its all good, between the Bahamas, Waikiki and the jokes on the 'thread killer ' thread I had a good 😂 Laugh.

cmf

[CMF]

Well I finally put out the hard waste rubbish but have hurt my lower back in the process. i have been limping around all afternoon and have a headache.

So I'm feeling a little down, thinking of the relationship I had with 'him' and how i should have woken up to things earlier. I'm wondering what to do for the whole weekend, i think it is going to feel really long.

[Moonstruck]

Hi there CMF - lower back pain...you too? Me with my sciatic thing coming from my lower back....just getting better now and trying not to limp any more....what a pair we would make! Both limping along together. We could do it arm in arm or something - start a new trend!

Don't feel too bad about this long weekend thing. For some reason I've often, nearly always actually, had that feeling about Easter - it does seem to stretch a long wait in front doesn't it...particularly if you haven't got that "happy family thing" happening. the days seem more boring and endless - not sure why. So you're not alone in feeling that way about this weekend.

This "him" seems to be overtaking much more of your time than it deserves you know. You don't want "him" to triumph over you do you? Well,the more you go over and over in your mind about it, and the past with "him" you know what? He's gotcha!!

And I don't believe there's any such word as "should". try substituting the word "could" instead. You "could"have woken up to things earlier. Sure you could. But you didn't. And that's the reality. "should" implies you did less than your best. You did the best you could at the time, the best you knew how to do. Now you know better, you'd probably do it better. Get rid of the "should".

There's nothing you should or shouldn't do to be my friend. And we're a pretty fussy bunch here on Forum - and we think you're fine just doing the best you can. That's all any of us can do - the awfulness will pass - and the sun will come out again for you. It always does. Sleep well.....x

[CMF]

Thank you Moon. Your words mean so much to me. I don't dwell too much on 'him' anymore and what was etc, not like I used to, but when I'm not feeling 100% I guess I become a little negative as I guess we all do. I have a thumping headache which has gotten worse as the day has gone on.

ive been watching the good Friday appeal all day, I just love it but I'm so exhausted I can't watch till the end. Watching it has added to me feeling a little emotional.

easter weekend is always a long one. I hVe a big family so I never thought I'd ever be spending it alone, but it's ok, I can cope with that. I don't really approve of shops being open Easter Sunday but I think little miss and I will go shopping and have lunch. I can't sit at home 3 days in a row, I will go insane.

thanks for being one of my beautiful BB friends.

cmf x

[CMF]

Well, it's Easter morning. Happy Easter to all.

I was feeling a little down over this weekend, being on my own with the little one. I woke p feeling a little out of sorts, as we do with anxiety but i do feel better now. I am grateful for many things.

My sister has gone interstate to spend Easter with her son and his family, her first born grandchild, i am happy about this.

My brother and his wife have gone away to their beach house. Her mother passed a few months ago and she is struggling a little. I'm glad they got away, it may have been difficult for her. the first xmas, easter etc is always hard after losing a loved one. It was nice of them to host the get together last weekend and another happy bday for the little one!

My older kids are with their dad and his family. I'm guessing he is not rushing off interstate to be with his girlfriend and her family, for this i am glad as my kids won't feel rejected as they did at xmas.

My little one and i are free to do as we please today. I don't have to go to lunch with 'him' and his family, feeling anxious, and pretended to enjoy being there and put on a happy face and make small talk about insignificant things as i have in the past. Even though in the past i have gone because i wanted to i did feel obligated and didn't truly enjoy it in the end. I do not fit into their little clique and don't trust what they say behind my back.

Some of my hard waste rubbish has been taken, haha that's good, if someone else can make use of it good for them!

I thought of another way to arrange my clothes drawers as they are a little squishy - bonus.

'He' paid some child support so i was able to have my car serviced, pay some bills and get on top of a few things - phew. I am a little anxious as i will be back to square 1 soon, but its all good and to be expected.

I always thought we would end up together but i've realised that i thought MY feelings toward him would change. He did want to at one stage but i just could not go back, knowing how he was capable of treating me and i am glad i saw that. Glad i did not go back out of loneliness or insecurity. I have grown over this period of time. I don't want to spend my life walking on eggshells and defending someone for their behaviour. I don't want to be entrapped in their family, they have caused too much hurt and just do not see it. Most importantly, i do not trust them.

Hope you all have a beautiful day and find some peace and joy.

cmf x

[CMF]

Well that didn't last long. I had a feeling he may make contact seeing as it is easter and sure enough just as i was getting ready to go out this morning i received a text message from him asking i was taking the little one to lunch with me. I replied we were out but what is that exactly? if i were going to lunch what else would i be doing with the little one, of course she would be coming with me.. This threw me into a state of panic, i left the house as soon as i could in case he came past as i did not want any confrontation. I'm assuming he was thinking he could take her to lunch with his family, i obviously was not invited and god only know what he has said about me to explain why to his family. I'm guessing that he may have thought i was seeing my family for dinner and was trying to find out what we were doing without directly saying he wanted to take her and not me. I drove to shopping with anxiety, upset that not only did her ruin xmas but now easter as well. I would never stop him from seeing her but i am not comfortable with him taking her out with his family. He didn't ask how she was or how kinder was or even mention her bday just one sentence was all we got. To add to this, why do this at 10.20am on easter sunday.? Wht at the last minute is he asking if i am taking her for lunch? Was he being pressured by his family? Possibly because he make no decision for himself, or was it an afterthought. They would have booked their lunch before today so why ask today. The moire i think about it the more it seems that he may have thought i was having dinner with my family like at xmas an decided he could take just her for lunch, not me. This is what upsets me, after no contact for 4 months he thinks he can just walk in when it suits him to do things.

I have always said that anything that involves him goes wrong, always and it does. as i was putting little miss in the car i pulled my back again, which i hurt yesterday and could hardly walk all day. It was feeling better but after his phone call - bang.

So i ended up really missing having easter with my family. I'm over thinking a lot of things again and feeling like rubbish, not good enough and useless.

Why does he think he can just show up when it suits him, how arrogant. It's like she is a material possession to him, like a handbag, take it when it suits you. No consideration for people's feelings at all.

Another occasion ruined.

[CMF]

All i wanted was a happy life and i will never have that now because he will always be a part of it in some way. Why couldn't i have met a 'normal' guy. Why did i have to meet him?What is the purpose of us having a child together. We met people for a reason, why did God put this upon us if we were not meant to be together?

I am back was where i was weeks, wondering when i will be abused by him again, when will he try and walk into our lives again. I can see the sour puss look on his face, his angry stance, puffing up his shoulders trying to dominate yet he cannot make a decision to save his life. Every decision is because someone else told him it is what he should do.

[CMF]

When i was pregnant and he wasn't around and i was left wondering if he was going to abandon us i used to ask him, will you be around, he used to say 'i don't know' i would say don't you want to see your child grow up etc. I know he was freaking out but he used to say to me that children don't need 2 parents, they just need a happy environment. So why does he want her in his toxic environment? Going to lunch with his family, putting his mum down, even he looks like he doesn't want to be there. If he believes children don't need 2 parents why doesn't he just stay away? Why make contact at Easter? If you don't want to be around day to day why now? I know he didn't want me there, just here but he hasn't asked about her for 4 months?Why today? To look good in front of people? I was thinking of going past their place, do the right thing but i don't feel i would be welcome. if i did i wish i had the guts to put it all out there and expose him to his family, so they know what he is really like and how he treats me. I would ask if they think it is right and acceptable the way he belittles his mum in front of everyone but they don't see it is an issue,they think it is normal to be treated like that.

[kanga_brumby]

CMF you are a great parent reading through some of these posts. My eyes are more open now. It's only words you don't need a person like him to ruin your life. In the past I had a friend who had a raging drug habit, lost both her children to child protection. She would pretend to be the victim, always. Her boy friend was another junkie. She could see my partner in a good relationship and had her child with her. The 'friend' tried to come between us one way or another. With lies to us the 'friend' then could see that wasn't working. So she then started reporting various lies to dhs. In the end we got rid of her we had to take her before a judge to get her to stop calling us at 3 am. heard nothing since.

Take care Kanga