Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi Dottie123,

I like that, a quiet achiever hehe. I actually thought about the nice words when I was driving today and made me smile so again thank you 🙂

Hi CMF,

I like that you seem to clean and remove clutter quite a bit, I feel there is an emotional attachment to that sort of like by cleaning the clutter you are also clearing your mind of clutter, if that makes sense, there is something therapeutic about cleaning and organising something which makes you feel a little more at ease and comfortable I guess is the word.

I have no heard of Maca root powder, I am assuming it is a natural supplement to assist? I like natural remedies, shame is hasn't fully helped however.

It's nice to hear your family is all catching up this weekend, make sure you focus on that and the positive off it, I think you and your little one will have a great Easter together, remember how her birthday turned out and I am sure as long as she has some Easter eggs she will be more than happy 🙂

My weekend was nice thank you for asking, didn't get much cleaning done but that will be reserved for this weekend hehe.

My best,

Jay

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

My apologies, I didn't answer your first question... I had thought a little about it, I was a little confused on how to apply for it... I also don't want to jump to far as I feel others may be more deserving of it as well.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

De cluttering is therapeutic. I think the less we have the happier we are in some ways and certainly more appreciative.

I think you need to contact Chris B re Community Champ. You are very deserving of it, I don't think you would be jumping the queue at all.

I'm looking forward to Easter, even if it is just the little one and me. My older kids will be with their dad that weekend. My older daughter wants to organise a treasure hunt for the little one and was disappointed she wouldn't be here so we are going to have it on the morning of Good Friday. In fact as the kids will all be with me Good Friday we will have our Easter then. One of the local restaurants is having a fund raiser for the Good Friday appeal with lots of kids activities so we might go and have a look. I love the Good Friday appeal, I usually watch it all day. It's close to my heart.

Do you have plans for Easter? I'm sure there will be people on the forums. I had one of the best NYE's here on the forums last year. We had a 'party' in the BB cafe. I loved it.

cmf

[blondguy]

Hi CMF

I Love what you wrote..."De cluttering is therapeutic. I think the less we have the happier we are" Spot on advice to all

Jay (excuse I CMF) please apply. You have a lot to gain and nothing to lose by doing so. You would be an asset

Jay please read Chris's thread. I really hope you can. You are more than deserving to be a CC. Your input and abilities far outweigh the criteria 🙂

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/welcome-and-orientation/community-champions#qmCpFXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Thanks CMF for the space 🙂

my kindest

Paulxo

[CMF]

No Problem at all Paul,

well, I haven't slept so well and have woken with a bit of anxiety. It's almost 5am, I'm tired, not feeling so great. Negativity creeping in and a lot of chatter. I do hope it settles, was having a good run.

feeling a bit lost and useless again, and pretty down. Feeling like a failure. Not saying I am useless and a failure, but feeling like it. That's sort of positive I think, that I'm not saying I AM?

does having anxiety cause the negativity thoughts or do negative thoughts cause the anxiety? Are my cortisol levels higher this morning, causing the overthinking? What comes first, the chicken or the egg? Feeling very alone.

cmf

[CMF]

Tiredness has set in, I'm exhausted a feeling really low. Nothing left in the tank.

My little one threw the biggest tantrum this morning, I could not get her in the car, we then went shopping and she was ok but i ended up coming home quickly. My son asked me to buy him lunch while i was out and i didn't. There is food at home. He is going away this weekend and is trying to save the money yet he still wants to go out with his friends during the week. His dad gives him no pocket money and it so much pressure on me. I'm hating everyone atm and i .it is the tiredness talking. The little one's dad makes us struggle week to week as he pays his child support every 3-4 months. i have told him several times it makes me struggle on a weekly basis but he just doesn't get it. With Easter coming up it is more pressure so hopefully it will pass.

I have no motivation at all but will try and get out to cut the grass now. At least it will look nice, .

[BballJ]

Hi Paul (blondguy),

Thanks for your kind words yet again, Chris actually emailed me today by suprise which was nice and also asked me to join as Community Champion, I have said I am interested and do appreciate your's and others support for wanting me to become one 🙂

Hi CMF,

It sounds like you have had a rough day, I actually woke up with some anxiety this morning too, no real reason but that's anxiety isn't it?

I understand the pressure you feel but I think you had so much pressure onto yourself which sort of magnifies the problems you are facing and they all sort of crash down onto you and you have these rough days and broken sleep. I think it's ok to be tired every now and then during the day, it's ok to have a relax day not every day has to be one of cleaning and de-cluttering no matter how therapeutic it actually is.

I like your plans for Good Friday so focus on them and how good of an Easter you will have with your kids. Just remember the smile that will be on your little ones face during the Easter egg hunt and going out to a restaurant with all the fun activities, that will make it all worth it. Keep reminding yourself how good of a mother you are and the outstanding job you are doing as a single mother.

To answer one of your questions also, I believe having anxiety causes negative thoughts because anxiety makes your brain go into overdrive thinking of everything.

My Easter will be just with family and church. Nothing to drastic, looking forward to seeing the family and kind of relaxing I think.

My best,

Jay

[blondguy]

Hi CMF (Good news Jay and thanks)

This anxiety is a real pain. Jay has posted well above on this

An exhausted mind is the perfect breeding ground for anxiety, overthinking. You have been through a lot and finding peace would be hard.

The anxiety and the overthinking are also very draining in a huge way CMF.

Youve been on the forums for ages. Frequent counseling will make your mindset stronger and correct any ingrained negative thought processes that have been established. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by attacking your tired mind with a crackerjack GP or counselor

Please be gentle with yourself

Paulx

[CMF]

Hi Jay,

That's great that Chris contacted you, you've made my day and will make a CC!

I'm sorry to hear you awoke with anxiety also. Did you get through it ok, i hope it subsided for you. I did sleep better last night but still feel very tired. I do feel a bit better today. I got to thinking about how i feel angry with people, which is a waste of my energy as I think MarkJT pointed out to me. I realised that blaming others gives them power, it makes them have control as I am letting their actions control my mindset. So today i am trying to change this way of thinking. It doesn't matter who may have caused a problem, it is up to me and how i deal with it. I love looking up quotes and found some that make exactly this point. I also found some that really suit 'him', i might take a copy and if/when he makes contact or abuses me again i will point them out to him, or maybe I won't waste my time.

Thanks Paul,

I think the most frequent thought in my mind is 'what if'. i have had counseling in the past and did not find it beneficial, I know you need find the right fit. Part of my anxiety comes from feeling i have no support, even if i need something done around the house. I have no one to lean on or help so i carry everything on my own shoulders.I feel i will forever be stuck in this life, even though i know situations and circumstances change as we go through life. My current situation is not my final destination.

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi CMF,

Yeah I got through it ok, I just calm myself down and try to think logically through it, falling back asleep helped a little hehe. One thing you do really well is that when you have a bad day or days you come out of them thinking a lot more logically and thinking of way to overcome this or that. I really like that you do that, that is a real sign of strength and building in your mind. I think focus on one thing you want to change and continue working on that. If you would like to change the way you think, then by all means please do it. When you can control the way you think in a positive way I think that goes leaps and bounds for you in the future and dealing with things. There are going to be bad days, remind yourself of that but remember they are just speed bumps on your road to recovery.

My input on the quote that suit "him", don't point them out... rise above it, you'll be better for it...How's this for a quote - "Can you forgive those who have hurt you? Because that is when healing starts, everytime someone puts you down, will you make the decision to bring someone else up?"

Everyone's situation is different and this quote can be taken in different ways, for your situation CMF, it can be taken that you mentally forgive your ex for what they have done and when you feel they have put you down, or they let you know, make a decision to lift someone else up. Again it can be interpreted in any which way you like as everyone will understand it different, just my thought on it anyway.

My best,

Jay