Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

That sound's quite interesting actually, I feel like I would love to give it a go myself, hopefully you also give it a go as you seem to of been calmed by it. It's funny how people or things appear when we most need them, like the lady at your son's school, the reiki master, the song your daughter was playing... what I like is that you are finding the positive's in these little things and finding a way to make them help you through your day.

Please do make the appointment with your GP, better to get everything checked out if it is bugging you as well.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Yes i will try and see the reiki master soon...and my GP.

I feel so disconnected, in a daze, numb. I have felt this way before when i was taking a vitamin b6. it seemed to knock me out and my dr told me i needed a b complex. when i used bush flower essences as drops under the tongue or st johns wort i also felt this way, just knocked out. I'm a little jittery, anxious, drowsy and shut off from the world. I'm just not me.

bs

i don't know where i am, i have no will to do anything.

[MarkJT]

BS, I know it is not good when you feel that you have stagnated but remember, you are in a marathon here with the rest of us. There is no magic pill nor easy fix to mental health injuries and illnesses, it is time. Throughout the journey of time, if you do the right things, i.e. eat well, ease up or stop alcohol use, practice mindfulness, engage with your psych etc, things do get better. Some take longer than others but you must tell yourself that the work that you put in, is well worth it.

We all have flat days that can turn into flat weeks or more and when these periods arise, we just surf the waves of emotion, the more your surf, the better you get at it.

Trust the process. Remember that you have come a distance so far, no reason why you cannot keep going forward - just do the small things right.

Bill Belichick who has coached the New England Patriots to five Superbowl wins in American Football has a catch cry for all of his players, "Do your job". That is all. He expects nothing more out of a player other than what they are designated to do. The same principles apply, just do your job and your job is to do the things that are healthy for you.

Keep going.

Mark.

[CMF]

Thanks Mark,

An uphill marathon. Just lost my post...grrrr. My son just got back from an interstate trip with his dad. His dad has been telling people 'we' moved him to a different school and he is glad he is enjoying it. He did not approve, had no involvement and has not contributed to any expenses. It is typical of him to take credit when he sees that something he was against has worked. All of a sudden it's 'we'.How can he live such a lie?He is one way towards the kids and i and another way in front of others. He puts on an act and portrays this false image of himself. He is all about image and how HE looks to others..i know i shouldn't let it get to me, it's a waste of my energy, i need to remind myself of this, but it so frustrating that he gets away with it. My son didn't enjoy his time away. Said he would have rather been here at school. I'm quite proud of that, he would never had said that about his old school.

It has been so hot in Melbourne. They say it will rain tomorrow, i really hope so as his heat is really getting to me. Chatting to some mums at kinder they feel the same way. I was so glad to hear that. I thought it was just me and my hormones which was getting me down a little, trying to cope with it, feeling so hot all the time. I do feel a bit better knowing that it is the weather and not just me. I have also started back on the hormone balancing tablets my dr recommended, they are natural and seemed to work for me last year. I'll see how they go before going back to my gp. I've also contacted the reiki woman and hoping to see her soon.

I feel a bit more alive than i did the last few days, looking forward to the cool change and a thunderstorm.

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

Well your last post to MarkJT sound's a lot more positive which is great to read. Your GP seems to know what works for you so please do go back, they are only there to help you. Great stuff on contacting the Reiki woman as well, those little things deserve praise because for people go through the mental health battle we do reaching out for help is such a great thing so well done for reaching out because I think they will help you and I am very interested to know how it goes because I may be interested in finding one for myself.

Just wanted to add in something about your Ex and what he was saying about how you both moved your son schools, let him say what he wants. When you can learn to let that go I think a little stress will lift from your life. I know it is easier said than done but if you learn somehow for it not to bother you then that is key and I think will help your mental health big time. Let him say what he wants, you know how it happened and that's what matters.

I like MarkJT's quote about Bill Belichick telling his players to do their job. I agree with it wholeheartedly. Do what you need to do and that is all anyone can ask of you.

My best,

Jay

[MarkJT]

BS, you can only control what you can control. You cannot control what your son's dad says, i.e. "We moved him to another school.

I want you to really work hard on letting that go. This will anchor you for a long time if you are not able to move on. I am not saying that this will happen overnight but you just concentrate on you. It is well established that he is not of much assistance to you, so in the words of Bilichick, do your job, which you are doing well.

Cutting out the negative thoughts in our brains helps us move forward which is our aim.

Mark.

[CMF]

Hi,

Yes i will try and make a conscious effort to not worry about what i cannot control.I am getting better at it, just need to work on it a bit more.

Feeling crap today. Very anxious. did not get much sleep at all last night.I have gone back to CMF. Baby Steps was just not sitting well. It could mean Can Move Forward or Could Move Forward as was suggested to me so it not a full step backwards, just half a step.

CMF

CMF

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

congrats CMF,

Don't even consider it a half a step backwards. It is all positive. You made a decision to make a change, then realised it did not feel right, so took steps to correct it so that you would feel more at ease and happy within yourself. That is being proactive.

Regardless of that, CMF is still several steps forward from the original, I love your thinking on the different positive interpretations you can use on any given day.

Plus, the many ooccasional posters that you have helped here will still know who you are when they see your name, so if you'd kept the change, they might not have been able to re-connect with you if they need to.

It's all good!

(I'm still juggling about name change, although not struggling quite so much atm, so perhaps that's what I'll do if I Can)

Warm wishes Lee x

[CMF]

Well I tackled some anxiety today. I looked it in the eye and said "I am going to deal with this as I cannot change the outcome". I don't really want to talk about what it was but I'm glad that i did it.

I thought to myself I cannot change the outcome. Stressing about it will not make it go away, nor will avoiding it. If I face it and something is wrong, it can be dealt with. If I avoid it, and something is wrong, it could become and emergency and i would never forgive myself as i would be responsible.

i was lucky the person I saw was very understanding and thorough. A few more things need to be done, not urgent, but just to be 100% sure. This person listened, absorbed what i was saying, how it made me feel and did everything possible so far to rule things out. I was meant to see someone else but the booking did not go through I was booked with the person i saw. He gave me reassurances, tips and advice and as i said wants to be thorough. I do feel a little better for tackling it but will feel better when the rest is done.

I am not one to tackle my fears, i just fester over them and make myself sick. I think I took a small step forward today, not just in my actions but in my thinking.

CMF

[CMF]

Thanks Lee,

I did have support from others on the forums and BB staff when i sent the email requesting the change. It's nice to know people care.

cmf x