Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Slipstream_SS]

Baby Steps

Just keep doing what you think is right, your childs future is the most important of all. Like i say, gut feelings are usually the right ones..

CK

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

MarkJT & Slipstream SS have given some great advice and I will just like to echo them. At this point doing what is right for your kids should be all that matters and that should be your priority, you seem to have such a big heart and want the dad as apart of their life even though this person is toxic to yours. It show's how big your heart is and that is amazing but you have to think about your kids ultimately first and that is what you are doing. You're being a great mum.

As for the anxiety in the morning, that is very common with anxiety sufferers as you already know especially if you have had a bad dream as well, it does subside as yours did.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Not having a good day. I don't know why. Yesterday i was feeling motivated, keen to get back into a hobby i have and I was sort of ok this morning but feeling useless now. I've just wasted my life, I'm doing nothing, I'm tired. I'm depressed. I just don't know. Didn't get much sleep. My little one woke and came into my bed, which she does every night but last night she said she was scared of the dark. We were awake for a while then she tossed and turned. I started to think about when she was 5 weeks old and had emergency heart surgery, my anxiety set in. She was great when we got up, made her kinder lunch, had breaky, helped me do the washing.I dropped off the older 2 at the rain/tram went home cleaned up put on washing and tool little miss to kinder. I felt ok, left the house clean and tidy. Went to my local coffee shop, not much happening there then came home. Started feeling flat so potted around in the front garden then went for a walk which did not help. Came home and started cleaning the side of the house a little. It does look better and is a job on my list but i feel overwhelmed by everything. Bills to pay, things to do, don't know what i want to do with my life when the little one goes to school. I'm lonely, tired feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm not sleeping well, hormones causing hot flashes which is so uncomfortable. I go from hot to cold all night.

Maybe I'm just tired. I feel like I am drowning. It has been so warm and humid this last week and i'm a bit sick of it. I'm still unsettled and don't know where to start with things around the house. I'm doing bits and pieces but not feeling productive. I get one thing done and thens see all the other things that i want to do. I drive my kids to the train/tram in the mornings, people tell me they can walk, which they can as it is close but i do it cos i can. i do it because i want to do it for them. Maybe i am coddling them too much. am i teaching them to be lazy? Do i do too much or them. I don't know. I don't think I'm that good of a mum, partly because much of the time i'm tired, depressed, anxious. I'm not fun, I'm really moody, especially this last weekend. I think I've let them down, I'm a failure. I'm setting them a bad example.

My son was happy today, told me he passed his science teacher at school Friday and she said 'Hi Mark'. He was at his old school for 4 weeks and they still got his name wrong. I was happy to hear that.

I'm just failing.

[MarkJT]

BS, take a breath mate, you have to breath. You are not a failure. What you are doing is catastrophising a little. Out of all of the things that you have listed above, I see nothing that is super urgent and has to be done this minute.

When you are feeling like this, it is so important just to sit down, stop what you are doing and remind yourself that you are okay. Tell yourself that you are not a failure, tell yourself that the side of the house doesn't have to be cleaned up right now - you can do it a bit at a time, tell yourself that you are an amazing mother and tell yourself to calm down.

The emotions come in waves, learn to surf those waves and be kind to yourself (i.e. do not self destruct and abuse yourself, tell yourself you are a failure etc). This is all part of the journey and i love a saying that i heard years ago, "The journey is the reward". The reward will be when you are advanced recovered, your knowledge and wisdom that you have gained will hold you in great stead the rest of your life.

You are okay BS, time - in time you will be fine.

Mark.

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

Do you mind if I write a quote I love from an inspirational video and one I find helps me when I feel really low?

"You don't have to hold onto these fears, you just take one step at a time, not to say these fears are going to completely disappear, but can you forgive those you have hurt you?... because that's when healing starts, every time someone puts you down, will you make a decision to bring someone else up? Close your eyes and picture yourself in an open area, there is no buildings and no shelter, and there is a storm above you, these storms represent the situations in your life. You're in this storm and you're down on your knees and your cold and you feel like this is the end... are you not still here? You are still here!... you don't have to do this alone, but hold onto that person or people who you think might help you, and imagine them saying, I can't stop the storm right not but I will hold you and keep you warm until the storm passes, because when they hold you, the storm is still there but it's ok because they are with you all the way.

I think this quote can be interpreted many ways and perhaps that person who holds you until the storm passes is your kids. I really like this quote and relate it to myself in many ways so I wanted to share and I hope it has some positive bearing on you too.

Regarding your bad day... did you manage to write down how you feel when you are happy and having a good day at all? Remember it is a great idea and to refer to it on days like this.

You are not a failure at all, so far from a failure.... It would feel like the world if on your shoulders but you know what... the strength that is building is irreplaceable and you will forever look back and say this situation made me the great mum I am and the great person I am.

Always remember as well... Baby Steps... it is in your name so it should remind you whenever you are on here... every day is a chance to grow and get better. A minor speed bump is nothing to worry about and it is just building your patience and strength to overcome the next speed bump you face.

My best,

Jay

[CMF]

Hi Mark and Jay,

Thanks for your words of support and that beautiful quote. I'm convinced my anxiety is hormonal as i went through the same thing last year. Knowing this does not make me feel any better but i may need to go back to my dr. Last month my daughters school took too much out for her school fees and left me over the weekend with nothing. i managed to shuffle a few things and it was adjusted but still stressful. Yesterday, mu son's old school debited me with his monthly school fee in error as his account has been finalised and should be closed. This has again left me with nothing over long weekend. They have organised it to be reversed and i am hoping it will go through today. This is causing much stress and upset for me. No amount of 'sorry' can fix this. I just want to pack up and leave at the moment. I rang my son's new school and asked when i can expect their fees. the woman told me not to stress, they'll come when they come and not to worry about it. She said i should never stress about things. This made me smile so much.During the week i was at a friends house and we talked about anxiety and healing and things being given to us in life when we most need them. Her neighbour is a Reiki Master and what do you know, she popped over while i was there. My friend had just told me when i am ready i should see her as she has helped my friend immensely. Her neighbour is a beautiful, calm, spiritual woman. When i left my friend's house and returned home i felt an overwhelming sense of calm. The chatter had stopped, my body was relaxed i was just 'being'. I don't know if it was being in the presence of her neighbour that caused it it or the black tea i had, which is said to reduce cortisol levels. I've never noticed tea having this effect on me before. Maybe the reiki master has been brought to me now? Today at my local coffee shop i saw the usual regulars. There is a group that meets, i don't know what their connection is. There is an elderly man, a woman (maybe is daughter) and a few young ones, in their 20's perhaps of all different nationalities. As i was walking home i met up with them on the bike path. The elderly man stopped next to me and told me that they would love it if my daughter and i would join them some time. How lovely to be invited into their group. I was so humbled, thanked him much and told him i would really like that. I was so touched. There are nice people in the world, amongst my anxiety i've had 3 nice experiences this week.

[BballJ]

Hi Baby_Steps,

I think that is perfect, 3 nice experiances this past week is something you should be happy about and as I said above, remember how this makes you feel and try to relate to it when you are feeling down. This Reiki Master that you said sounds quite interesting, I can google it but I feel if I ask you what is actually is, you will give me a detailed response which is far more exciting to read than a google article. so may I ask what exactly do they do?

It says something is that made you feel a sense of calm, maybe it is something you should look into further.

My best,

Jay

[MarkJT]

BS, so many positives to come out of that post and I especially like the part where being told, in a friendly way, not to stress made you smile. That can so easily make people angry if taken the wrong way, so i am happy that you have taken in good stride.

I am like Jay above, i have heard of reiki but know not much about it.

Do tell!!

Mark.

[CMF]

Hi my friends 🙂

Yes, the woman who told me not to stress works at the front reception of my son's new school. I have spoken to her when organising his enrolment etc. She is an older lady and very sweet and motherley. It was the way she said it too, like it really was no big deal. I can't believe the difference in everything between private and public schools. I knew it was very different but the whole attitude toward everything is a bit of a shock to me. The new school is so much more relaxed and easy going which i really like. My son is enjoying it too which is a bonus.

Reiki. This is a form of spiritual healing. It is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

I've never done it but want to try and the fact that this woman was put in front of me when i have been feeling so awful could mean something. I do feel awful , sort of outside my own body, not connected. Got alot of jobs done from my list yesterday, some of them big ones i have been avoiding so that was good. I still have not received the refund for the error made from my son's old school. it left me with no money over the long weekend, couldn't even do proper food shopping.

I'm going to make an appt with my GP, i just do not feel right. My little one is listening to music on the ipad, chipmunk style. It is quite funny. She loves the song "let it Go' from the movie 'frozen' and if you listen to the words it has a great meaning. She put it on this morning, must have known i needed it.

Have a good one.

[MarkJT]

BS, i said from the beginning of my journey that i would try anything (as long as it wasn't dangerous) to feel and get better. Well worth a try i say.

Let us know how you go with it, that is if you do give it a go.

Mark.