Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

Sorry to read you are struggling so much and your husband has had some unsettling and troublesome experiences. It must be a difficult time for you both. I can read how frustrated you are by this and acknowledge how it is making you feel.

It can be really frustrating when you feel like you are finally getting ahead in life and then you feel like you are going backwards again instead of forwards.

This is something I have been familiar with lately. I have been trying to encourage myself to believe there is still hope in amongst all the stuff that feels so wrong and horrible.

Wishing you some glimmer of hope as well Elizabeth.

Kind regards form Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Dools for your caring words. My psych tries to give me helpful suggestions. He is good & really understands me. I know what he recommends is helpful but between sessions things get in the way & I can't seem to follow through. This leaves me feeling guilty for not doing as I should.

[Doolhof]

Hi Elizabeth,

I find there are some days where it is just too darn hard to put any of those helpful suggestions and strategies in place.

Maybe you can have a think about those things, accept that you weren't able to implement them when you wanted to and give them more consideration the next day.

The more I tell myself I should have done this or that, the worse I feel when I haven't achieved those goals and the less likely I am to even try to do anything as it all feels like I am failure.

I had my day planned yesterday, house work, clean up my study, find all my self help notes and re-do my safety plan. I went for a long walk first to psych myself up for all of that.

Came home and my husband asked me to drive him to the city so he could do some errands then he had organised for us to visit a friend who has recently come out of hospital. Nice things, but not in my plans.

This morning I am trying to refocus and hope to achieve some of what I wanted to do yesterday. I may have to push myself and I might cope okay with that. If not then I guess I will try again on Friday.

Is pushing ourselves to the point of causing distress worth it? I don't know anymore.

Not much help to you today Elizabeth! My mind is too fuddled. Cheers from Dools

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't written on this thread for a while. I have used the corona virus threads because they seemed to fit my problems/issues but the problem is much bigger than the pandemic.

I have been having increasing thoughts about no longer wanting to live which is sapping any motivation to do anything.

Guilt is overwhelming.I feel like I'm not doing enough to help my husband. I'm not doing things my psych recommends because it all seems pointless.

I normally am goal orientated so being unable to aceive anything is increasing my anxiety & depression

I feel guilty if I try to visit my daughter even thoug my psych has recommended it because it is against the restrictions

I'm venting sorry

[Sophie_M]

Hey Elizabeth, thanks for continuing to reach out here. We're so sorry to hear that you're experiencing more frequent suicidal thoughts, is this something you have spoken about to your psychologist? We acknowledge how difficult your situation is and how draining the feeling of not doing enough for your husband would be. From our perspective, it sounds like you're very caring and supportive of your partner. Please know that we are here to support you if needed. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

you are spot on as our own mental health (well being) is more important than Covid. If its okay, can I ask what you find pointless about your psychs suggestions? Just so I can do my best to help out

Venting is vital....I do the same...please dont apologise

kindest always....Paul

[Guest_1055]

Oh Elizabeth, I really don't know what to say to you except I am hearing you and I care about you so much.

Shelley xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry Paul & Shell I'm not able to explain things properly.

The suggestions my psych has made make sense but the restrictions are making them difficult to follow.

The real issue is I feel life isn't worth living so doing anything to help myself seems pointless. I don't know how to change my thinking.

Things I'm supposed to do

Breathing techniques. When I'm really bad I can't use them.Although I've suffered from anxiety for some time I've never experienced the extreme reactions to minor things & sometimes nothing. Yesterday just getting breakfast for my husband & myself left me so stressed I couldn't cope.

I have been advised to go to a place on my own to just escape. It needs to be somewhere away from other people so parking beside the road doesn't work. The place I identified as suitable is about 7 km from home. Even though I have a letter emailed to me by my psych to give permission the guilt I feel driving there is really bad. Once I'm there it is helpful but I'm struggling to get back there.

My psych also recommended me visiting my daughter to get a complete break from home & my caring role & stresses. Once again the guilt of 'breaking' the lockdown makes it hard to do. I also need to explain to my daughter why I'm coming because I can't just visit to socialise.

Another problem is that I have a number of things I need help with including a fence which blew down last week in a storm, leaking gutters (They leak on my decking over outdoor furniture which I can't move) so I need a plumber & my back security door lock has jammed so I had to remove it from the hinges to get out the door. Without being able to get tradesmen to help due to the restrictions means I feel useless as I can't fix anything. There are a few other things I need help with. This is making me feel really useless & even less motivated

I get told to focus on what I can do but my mind just thinks of all I can't do.

I'm catastrophising thinking I'll never get back to normal. so nothing is worth doing

[blondguy]

Hey Elizabeth.....Can I ask your thoughts about seeing your GP?...seriously...on a weekly basis..starting off with a double appointment?

It takes determination and a strong desire to heal.....and really 'opening up' to our GP/psych..otherwise they wont be able to help us

[Elizabeth CP]

Paul have been speaking to my psychologist most weeks by phone during the pandemic. He understands me & my situation but I think he has been shocked at my deterioration recently. I prefer face to face visits but they are not allowed.

I could cope with the lockdown for a short period but knowing it will be months before I can do the things that normally help me has tipped me over the edge. I feel guilty for wasting his time by not being motivated to do more for myself.

I am seeing my GP this week but I'm worried this will cause more anxiety because my blood pressure will be still high.