Feeling down due to fatigue & undiagnosed health issues

[Elizabeth CP]

I haven't been using the forums much apart from a couple of responses to others posts. I stopped as I was too busy & trying to keep up with the forums was becoming too stressful. In September My husband went to Europe which was great although tiring due to the pace of the tour we did. Unfortunately a few days before returning home I fell heavily on concrete steps hurting my right side. I continued on relying on icepacks to manage the pain. I couldn't sleep because of the pain when lying down. The last day I came down with a bad cold which developed into a chest infection later on. The pain eased after 6 weeks & I recovered from the chest infection but have ongoing problems with fatigue & abdominal discomfort. My GP arranged pathology tests. The blood tests are normal but urine isn't. Today I was sent for a ultrasound of kidneys & bladder. Next week I have a gastroscopy & colonoscopy. My stress levels seem to be escalating out of proportion each time I see the GP & get sent for more tests. Prior to my accident my mental health issues were settling down but the last week it is much worse. I have lost my temper a few times in the last week without much provocation. This is not normal for me. I have been on a diet for several months but I am now finding it really hard to stick to it I just want to go & eat food I know will make me feel worse. The diet is a healthy one which I normally find easy to stick to because the food is satisfying.

I just want to get back on track & feel in control of my life & not feel so stressed & down. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because There is no confirmation of a serious illness.

[quirkywords]

Elizabeth

I can feel your pain and frustration .

You are aware of what you need to be doing but also are aware that you are catastrophising which makes everything seem too hard. I think your self awareness of your predicament and your insights into your reaction are helpful but you lack motivation to act.

You do have so much to deal with and you are doing things to help by keeping in touch with your psychologist.

I hope that writing here helps in some small way . Do your loved one and friends know how you are feeling inside or do you keep in a brave face for everyone. ?

Having a space to yourself sounds good but I can see it would take planning to get there.

I have appreciated your honest and wise posts to me over time .

Take care

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Quirky, I think it helps a bit to write although I've been finding it hard while so down. My husband knows how I'm feeling but probably not how bad. I don't want to talk in too much detail because that just emphasises it. I also don't want to worry him too much. He sometimes feels guilty about not being able to do more to help. I haven't told my kids. They know I'm stressed but not that I'm MI. I prefer to be able to use conversations with them as a distraction. Yesterday I did a little better & managed to do a couple of things around the house. I'm finding the opening up of regional Vic quite triggering as it is emphasising what we can't do & making me feel like all of us Metro residents are being blamed yet I have no control on the situation which makes me feel worse. The thought of waiting for months before I can get a workman in to help fix things or to see a health professional face to face is really hard.

On Sunday my husband's family arranged a Zoom meeting with some games for fun. I set it up & forced myself to stay in the room with my husband for 10 min but then my anxiety was so high I had to leave. I then felt really guilty because my husband couldn't see what was happening so he couldn't participate in the game without me. I worried about what the others thought. I can't cope with having the video on. If I turned it off people would comment. I tried turning the computer away from me but then I couldn't see what was happening so wasn't going to be able to help my husband play the game. I feel really out of place in group settings. They emphasise that no one likes me. At least in face to face get togethers people split up so I can just speak to a single person.

Sorry I'm rambling

[Guest_1055]

Good Morning Elizabeth

Ramble or vent all you want if you are finding it helps you.

[quirkywords]

elizabeth

You are not rambling just expressing yourself clearly. I can see why zoom would make you anxious and you had to leave the room. I find any video talks quite difficult too.

It must be so hard in suburban Melbourne where you see others having restrictions lifted.
I am glad you managed a few things yesterday.

When your husband depends on you so much it adds extra pressure on you but my not being able to tell people how you really feel must be a burden too.

This one place you can be open and honest.

Your writing helps so many others in your position who will read your posts but never post. through your words they know they are not alone.

[Elizabeth CP]

Today wasn't so good but got through it. Very tired as didn't sleep much last night. I will be visiting my daughter next week. Hope I don't get stopped by the police. My psych has told me to show them my letter as evidence of what has been happening & to get them to ring him if they need confirmation that I need to go for care.

[Guest_1055]

Good Morning Elizabeth,

Sounds like a good plan you have there to visit with your daughter. And it's great you have a letter there, just incase. A reassurance all will be okay.

I know the anxiety can speak so loud and somehow cloud over anything that is lovely, good, beautiful etc. But it's good and lovely that you can visit with your daughter.

I am guessing you are driving?

Can you really take notice of your surroundings, like really notice the beautiful trees, really look at beautiful spring flowers look up and notice the sky... Is it blue, is there white fluffy clouds? Can you feel the warmth of the sun at all. Hear anything perhaps a bird. See any views in the distance? I know you like seeing beautiful views. Are you able to do that in your front yard, through your window, at your daughters?

It is really good that you will visit with your daughter. I guess something that one could be thankful for. I only say that because in can be a challenge to see the good things that happen in our lives when we are clouded by anxiety, depression. And it can be a challenge to see beauty around us and even in other people. And it can be a challenge to be thankful even.

Maybe have a look at all the beautiful photos you have.

Okay see you Elizabeth

Shell

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

Im sorry that you are going through a rough time..Can I ask if anxiety is impacting on your well being? I just read your post on the Covid-Impact thread and feel your pain yet 14 new cases is a huge step forward..?

my kindest

Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Shell for your lovely encouraging post.

Paul, My anxiety is impacting badly. My depression lifted slightly over the last couple of days so I could carryout some tasks which needed doing but my mood has been very fragile lately so minor things set it off.

Normally my anxiety is the result of stressful situations where I feel out of control or when particular triggers bring about intense fear but once the situation passes i get back to normal. i have never been good at relaxing either which doesn't help. Over the last year the onslaught of multiple stressors (not just Covid) have caused my anxiety to really impact on me severely.

You asked if it impacted my wellbeing :

• My blood pressure (normally low) is now high enough for my GP to be concerned. Blood tests show no physical cause so it is due to stress & anxiety.
• I feel constantly exhausted yet struggle to relax or sleep properly Today I'm too tired to do things which need doing because I couldn't sleep last night but had to get up for a zoom appointment for my husband
• I have headaches & back pain due to the tension in my body
• My fitness level has dropped Making it harder to do things. Walking is normally an enjoyable activity but now is stressful as I feel restricted where I can go, I'm watching out for other people particularly when with my husband to keep him safe my mind dwells on all the negatives including worrying about getting back on time & feeling so unfit.
• My self worth & confidence have dropped as I feel like a failure. I can't get help with things that need fixing so they act as a reminder of how useless I am.

Even hearing low case number triggers worry that it will jump & I'll be more disappointed.

[blondguy]

Hi Elizabeth

I understand we have different levels of anxiety that can have a detrimental effect on our day to day well being yet anxiety is awful to have no matter how severe. I hear you about these lockdowns here in vic...Not a good place to be in Elizabeth...frustrating would be an understatement. I get it

Can I ask (if thats okay) if you have reconsidered meds to provide a platform assist in your day to day well being?

They are never a 'fix all' as you know yet in conjunction with our counselling we can find some peace of mind. Im only speaking from my own experience as I wasted 13 years of my life continually refusing low dose meds that would have made my quality of life a lot better. I cant wind the clock back unfortunately

I hope today has been good to you Elizabeth

my kind thoughts always...Paul

[Elizabeth CP]

My GP recommended trying meds again. I refused. I know for some people they help but my experience has been so bad I can't face trying again. Last 2 trials were so bad it took months to recover from the trial which just exacerbates my situation. I have really tried them giving them plenty of time to work ( over 6 weeks)

I agree we need to control the pandemic. Just wish everyone understood that & followed the rules. Rules like the 5km rule are only there to make it easier for the police so people can't just claim they're going to a shop or exercise when they're far from home & planning to do the wrong thing. While I really miss spending time with family I agree that we can't afford to allow that before the numbers are much lower consistently so we don't have another wave.

I'm OK today although tired & with a bad headache