Feeling desperate to make this stop

[Lilly99]

Hi there, this is my first post which is really scary. Anyway I am not good feeling really depressed and anxious . I have tried everything psychiatrists, psychologists. Mental health nurses. Medication , I even spent 4 weeks in mental hospital to have tms which obviously didn’t work . Anyway feeling like life isn’t worth living . I feel like I have had enough of this battle called life . No matter what I try nothing works . I couldn’t be more of a joke and a waste of space really what’s the point I am never going it get better . Do people ever truly get better?

[Lilly99]

p.s how can I even think about getting help for me when I have so much going on . I am not worthy of the help anyway .

lilly🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

I am so glad you have taken some time off work. Please go and see your GP tomorrow as talking to someone about what’s happening right now could really help.

Try to rest and get some sleep though I know that will be really difficult with so much on your mind.

Don’t blame yourself for the accident as it wasn’t your fault and was just a very unfortunate incident.

I am sending you as much positive thoughts and strength as I can and pray for you every day that you will get through this time xox

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers.

With love & hugs

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Have been thinking about you today. How are you coping? Did you end up seeing your GP? It’s important you take care of yourself too at this time. I just wish I could be there by your side to help you through.

Have you had any sleep yet? How is your son?

With love & I am with you in spirit xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻🤗

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo,

How are you ?

I am not coping at all. Having no sleep and actually completely exhausted.

I went to the g.p. Very emotional and agitation through the roof . I was able to explain a little of what’s going on with my son .

I didn’t however explain or even touch on how bad I am with my thoughts. I was too afraid to say .

My son is in a extremely bad way and I just don’t know how I will find the strength to help him when I am broken myself. I actually don’t know where to turn to get help when so much is happening . I feel that I am to blame for everything . Maybe I could have done something . Maybe working so much has lead my children down the wrong path. Far out I am so overwhelmed. Now having time of work gives me more time to think. I need to stop thinking . I am alone with these thoughts trying to control them .

Past memories are consuming me as well as the present. There is so much I haven’t spoken about on this forum that’s happened and happening in my life. . I have only shown a small part of my life.

I just don’t know what to do Jojo . Or who to turn too. I am living a nightmere I can’t control . I need my nightmere to stop.

I actually feel guilty even thinking for a moment I need help when so much is going on . There isn’t much I don’t feel guilt about .

Lilly 🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

Try and get some rest love as it sounds like you are running on empty. Well done for going to the GP today hope that helped a little bit. Did she refer you to a trauma psychologist?

Please don’t feel guilty about getting help for yourself. If Saree or myself were in your shoes you would support us completely so don’t be down on yourself.

Also don’t blame yourself about what happened to your son as it was a terrible accident that you couldn’t have foreseen or prevented.

Try and distract yourself from your negative thoughts in any way you can and don’t forget to eat even if you don’t feel like it.

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you and your family xox

With love your forever friend Jojo 🌻🤗

[Lilly99]

Dear Jojo ,

Mu doctor didn’t mention anything about a psychologist at all today . Just gave me another prescription to sleep . When I have told her that I don’t feel comfortable with that . I have never explained why though and never will.

I don’t know Jojo I can’t see any point to anything anymore.

Lilly🌺

[Jojo100]

Dear Lilly

It must be hard to think clearly or see the point to anything right now when you are so exhausted. However, your son needs you and I think you need him too so try and focus on that for the moment.

That doesn’t mean you forget about your own needs. Try and find a way to get some sleep and eat even if you can only manage some soup or scrambled eggs.

Is there no one you can ask to help you such as a relative or even a neighbour?

Wishing for you a good nights rest & lots of cuddles xox

Your forever friend Jojo 🌻

[White_Rose]

Hello Lilly

I have been reading your thread although I have not posted here for a while. I am so sorry to learn about your son's accident and his injuries. Then being in trouble with the law. It is very hard to bear. Worry makes a poor bedmate especially when you need sleep. Even Superwoman had a rest now and then. You can help your son best by being rested as much as possible and in a fit state to help. Sorry if that is too blunt but you do know that being tired etc will not help your son in hospital or your other son and his medical conditions.Being courageous does not mean you have no fear. It means you do the right thing despite being afraid and getting a good night's rest is the right thing. Take your pill and sleep.

I love Jojo's comment about turning negative thoughts into positive. Doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, just doing it will help you to believe it and will help with your depression. You said 'p.s how can I even think about getting help for me when I have so much going on?' Well you know the answer to this as well. If you do not get help you will be unable to help your sons. Being what you call selfish is actually a strong thing to do and especially when you do not feel brave. See above comment.

I was with a group of carers yesterday as they were talking about their experiences with their partners who had conditions such as Alzheimers and brain injuries. One lady said she had written a comment, laminated it and put it on the fridge. It says I Am Doing The Best I Can This is her mantra. Not I am bad or useless, neither is she doing the right thing all the time. She is doing the best she can and if she needs rest she can put her partner into respite care for a few days. Sounds mean and selfish but it's not. She can give the best care when she is feeling well after a break.

Lilly, give yourself a break. Sleep and eat and if you cannot do this on your own take the prescribed meds. What do you think is going to happen to you if you sleep well?

You asked Jojo about going to hospital. I have been there several times and if you are interested in any aspect I am happy to talk about it. Let me know. Asking for help is a sign of strength and you most certainly have this quality. ATM moment you are using it to stay upright. Try using it to get well.

Mary

[Lilly99]

Dear Mary

Thank you for your post I am trying to think I am doing the best I can. But when in this head space it’s hard getting that through to me .

I was in hospital a few months ago which didn’t help actually I can out worse.

It’s really hard to answer your question about sleep because I can’t go into detail. But I will try to explain without actually saying it . Most of my childhood I was awoken to someone doing something to me. It stopped by age 13. So deep sleep has been a issue for me my whole life . So taking something for sleep will put me into deep sleep and I have to be aware .

Then at 14 I had the Same thing happen to me as Jojo from someone I didn’t know.

I don’t really won’t to talk about this . I have to keep all this close. Even though I have to a degree. Now I am really emotional about it .

There is so much more that’s happened in my life . I am not going there.

I am really trying to be here for my children . I don’t have anyone like family or friends to help. I work a lot to help my family financially so I probably haven’t been there much for my children which makes me question myself a lot . It’s hard not to beat myself up feeling this bad.

I will try and turn my negative thoughts into positive but there are so many negative’s .

Lilly 🌺

[White_Rose]

Dear Lilly

Thank you for explaining about your sleep. I think we take it for granted that sleep is restful and refreshing so it is hard to realise it's not true for everyone.

Saying I am doing the best I can is hard but without wanting to sound as though I know all the answers I do want you to start saying positive things to yourself and and about yourself. It's all about rewiring the brain and this can be done despite years of people saying you can only change while you are young. It's called Neuroplasticity. You can google this.

I am saying this because I want to give you hope for the future. How and what you are experiencing now is not set in concrete. There is a way out and you can live a happy life. This is one of the things you need to hold on to and tell yourself this often. I can get better.

Turning negatives into positives can be accomplished one at a time. Every step forward is good. It's not a race just a gentle move forward and keep going.

Have you explored the MindSpot website? I think this may help you. https://mindspot.org.au/ Give it a go. Let us know what you think about it.

Mary