existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[startingnew]

hey M

glad you got your report in. im wondering if your still seeing your psychologist on a regular basis?

definently hearing you though!

[swtpotato]

hey sn,

I'm seeing a new one atm, first appointment was last wednesday and I have another this week. But then I'll be going back and forth from home and also spending most of the holidays there so it won't be very regular. I like her she has a good sense of humour and I felt like I was more open with her on the first app than the other one on the 4th.

Also I exercised to the point of actual exertion/puffing/sweating and didn't crash - feel terrible for hours/days - for the first time in over a year !! I ended up having more energy for the rest of the day, I'd forgotten that feeling! That was yesterday and today I did feel really drained after exercising but it is still a huge improvement so I'll keep going. 🙂

I hope I never take my health for granted ever again.

hope your day was ok today

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi M,

Interesing insights as always and well done on getting your field report in. Sure, even if it was a little late, hey, it’s in. You did it. It’s done.

I marvel at your introspection and insight and I genuinely enjoy your posts not only here but all around the forums.

About the whole feeling as though you’re “stuck” in a teenager phase, I feel a lot of people secretly feel that way. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m in no, way, shape or form dismissing or trivialising your inner conflict of anything. But what I’m trying to say is even with people who appear to be “moving forward”, I can bet you that some of them still feel like a teenager. I think it’s partly because adults are essentially more evolved versions of their teenage and child selves- to an extent- so of course we sometimes think (and act) like children and teens.

Thanks for sharing your compassion as well as sharing your insights on my thread 🙂 One that stood out to me was your comment about how you’re not sure what to post at times because you can’t read minds. Hey, neither can I lol 😉

it’s interesting how some of the most insightful posters (like you) don’t seem to grasp how well your words translate. I think you’re doing a mighty fine job.

See, the thing is you’re insightful and thoughtful, that alone means even if you can’t read minds- no one can- and even if you don’t share the same experiences as another poster, that insight will carry you through your response. I have seen you do it before 😉

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xo

[swtpotato]

Hey pepper,

Thanks this is a really nice post, it made me smile :).

Yes I think a lot of people do. One thing I've realised with depression is that most of our insecurities are actually basically universal, it's just that they have kind of mutated and intensified into actual debilitating fears, dread, anxieties, things we feel are intrinsically 'wrong' with us etc. So I've learned that the goal isn't to get rid of it, just lessen it to an extent that it doesn't overtake my life and self. Which I've been able to do with a lot of them actually, it's just this fear still remains that there's nothing stopping it from going straight back to the former intensity.... I want a more reliable safety mat underneath me while I try to take more risks and be more open. But really reminding myself that that is how the fears work, as normal things that get (really) carried away, I already feel more okay about it, so there you go.

I used to feel like recovery was like going up an unstable staircase, with big gaps in between each step. The higher you go, the easier and further you fall, but that the bottom can always get worse...I don't really feel like that anymore. It's like I've decided to pretend the fall doesn't exist (but still feel it does) because believing otherwise is simply not helpful to me (yay meds for giving me the ability to make good choices!) and it's just an abstract concept I made up... so who cares.

I am going to bring up all of the existential concepts in my psychologist appointment and try to pinpoint which events led to those ideas...e.g. death, identity, isolation, freedom and meaning. I feel a bit cringey when I talk about it...like people joke about those kinds of things a lot and a lot of seems kinda silly now but it certainly wasn't a while ago, completely incapacitating actually.

Also I just can't tell if it is a good or bad thing that I tend to be thinking this deeply ALL THE TIME and not about what's actually around me it's pretty annoying and I have no idea why I'm like this. I over complicate everything and forget to actually experience! I'm practicing mindfulness to stop it. It's what isolated me so much in the first place I think.

Anyway I should stop procrastinating...

[startingnew]

ahh damn it! im sure i posted here the other day!

I cant remember what I wrote now!
Ok will just write a new repsonse!


Im glad youve found a psych that your comfortable with, its a shame about the travelling though. Just a thought but maybe when you do book in you could do a double appointment? That way your really utilising the time you spend there?


With exercising try to to continuously over exert yourself, set yourself up a time in the day to do exercise on a regular basis to keep that 'feel good' coming.


Im glad you were able to do your field report! Thats a big credit to you.




Being stuck as a teenager is actually really common among young people. I read it a lot all the time and I felt the same esp after yr 10. I had my licence and could do whatever I wanted to do to a certain extent (besides responsibilties) but I felt lost because I did have that bit of freedom and didnt know how to use it. I like your concept of the stairwell. Mine is similar only im in a hole and each step I make forward abit of ladder is let down, if I make a bad choice the ladder doesnt move until ive learnt from it. You dont have to pretend that fall didnt happen, just learn from it. Think about it what could you do better, move forward without dwelling on it. Its hard to do but its possible and your already starting to do that anyway so well done to you.


Depression and any mental health issue for that matter is like a shadow. Itll never leave you however depending on which way you face the shadow becomes smaller. Sometimes you have to look it straight in the eye to see that you can get through it, other times you turn away and go ok im in depression mode, I can just 'be' here for abit because I know ill come back out of it. The sun will rise again.

gotta make a second post!

[startingnew]

You are doing a really good job in recovery, there will be hard days for sure but those are the days you rest, but learn from it or take something away from it such as what helped you during that time.


In regards to your existential anxieties, you have made great progress, not too long ago you were telling me where youve improved, maybe you could go back and take a read of those when things start to get in the way. Write them down and keep adding to them.


'you thinkng deeply all the time can be both good and bad but I think a lot of it is coming up because you need to work through them such as your anxiety. I think once your in more control youll eventually stop thinking so into things and sometimes just take them for what they are.
You could even start small now and practice that. For example- someone tells you something but it really doesnt associate with you, listen to them give your response walk away. Leave the rest away. Itll be a memory so you dont have to worry that youve forgotten that and if you do forget well no biggie, if its random stuff or things that dont involve you chances are no ones going to ask you again

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

I’m glad my post made you smile. In fact, knowing that you smiled just made me smile 🙂

I feel conflicted in my response to you about whether it’s a good or bad thing to think so intensely all the time. Partly because, anxiety aside, I just feel some people have a tendency to think very deeply whereas others, well, less so. I think it’s not only anxiety but maybe personality (and intelligence?) plays a role too in people’s thinking...I don’t know.

I noticed your comment about how you “overcomplicate everything and forget to experience.” I wonder if you would like to elaborate as to what kind of experiences you mean? No pressure or obligation to answer btw; I’m not the kind of person who likes to pressure anyone to answer questions. Your call 100% to answer or not 😉

As an aside, I wonder if part of your struggle is perhaps you aren’t around people who you can “level” with and discuss the things that you truly want to discuss e.g. some of your thoughts on identity, meaning, etc. I mean, even when we are around friends and the like, it doesn’t mean we are always on the same wavelength.

It will be interesting to see how your psych responds to your thoughts on meaning, identity, etc. I think the fact that they seem to be recurring thoughts suggests that it’s good idea to discuss them.

My subjective 2c is that I don’t think deep thinking is intrinsically bad. I think it’s more a matter of learning how to healthily manage the introspection rather than “stamping out” the introspection. Sort of like me saying, “hey, keep being you and keep doing your deep thinking thing but also learn to manage it so it doesn’t incapacitate you.”

Sometimes I find myself avoiding a lot of people, not because I’m nervous around people or anything like that. But because I find that I don’t feel free to express what I truly want to express and therefore it makes the whole interaction very draining for me. So I end up feeling lonely even if surrounded by people. Thus I avoid but then that also makes me feel lonely. But if I engage, I feel drained and frustrated (and lonely still).

Good talk 🙂 I enjoy these conversations.

Not sure if it’s relevant but I’ll leave you with that quote before I log out.

Loneliness does not come from having no people around you. But from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.

- Carl Jung

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Guest_1055]

Hi all,

Thanks pepper for writing that quote. I think that is exactly how it is, how it feels. Like if another person connects with you, you feel like they come into your world, even if it is just for a little bit. That helps you feel .... well alive and less lonely because you have connected with them. That is a keeper quote for sure. Thankyou again....

Sweet M..... Thankyou for that info regarding those books you mentioned a few posts back. I shall look into that.

I need to read in your thread further to comprehend everything , so I shall come back and I hope you are having a good day there.

Shell xx

PS... Mmm the human race needs deep thinkers.

[swtpotato]

Hi everyone,

POSSIBLY TRIGGERING talk about being obsessed and dependent in an unhealthy relationship

thanks for your posts, you have lots of interesting points that I’ll have to get to later when in a better mindset.

I just had a long dnm with a friend (I’ll call her M) about the effect of my depression and actions on others, and others perspectives of what was going on with me last year, esp with me being in a unhealthy relationship/ friends with benefits with a guy I’m currently living with (I’ll call him D) and completely over

it’s all crashing around me. I had been trying to forget all those feelings and distance myself from it but I can’t it happened and is a part of me.

My friend (A I’ll call him) had been avoiding me for weeks which really hurt me, apparently he’s decided I’m toxic and did so to cut off the friendship.

Apparently my friends thought I was being really irresponsible and naive for moving back when still sick and making myself fall apart.

But they thought I was being too self-conscious and anxious to talk about it properly and was uncomfortably pretending it was ok.

I feel like I was right about there being something wrong with me - I just don’t get life what’s normal how to live it and socialise

Id decided to cut off my feeling for D so I could go and live have felt so much better for it. But now the bad feelings are back if I have that talk with him about last year it’ll feel like jumping back into the hole, the darkness. His anxiety and lack of empathy scares me. I’m so ashamed of how I acted with him last year I was just starved of affection he was my only friend I was needy and clingy and terribly insecure so I never said no to him. I was extremely invested in him. I was hardly a person how can I be one now. He made me feel so stupid, immature, like nothing. But he only did because that’s how I felt about myself. I was always unsure around him and acted differently and I hated it but I had too much social anxiety to talk to anyone else

I am very upset and embarrassed that I’m upset I can’t believe I had forgotten how insecure I was and how uncomfortable it was for others to be around me. I don’t know why how am I like this when did I get broken. I avoided these feelings again without realising

i just really needed to vent I didn’t know what else to do

I’m just about to go to th psychologist thank god

I’ll get to those posts later

m

[Guest_1055]

Dear M, You sound so mixed up there. I have no idea what to say but I am thinking of you..

Shell x