existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[startingnew]

Hey M


sometimes it takes someone to point out the positives or make the person find them within themselves which is super hard but guess what. Youve just done that. Look at all these positives youve got listed here. I bet you wouldnt have been able to list them before but even the small things count.


Its good that you want to focus on the things that need improving however when we live in that world we only see the bad so making yourself find the positives helps you clear the fog abit.


Well done on doing as ive asked because its not easy at all, but believe it or now I was asked the same questions too and its made me a better person. Sorry to be the 'bad' one and really ask you the hard stuff but youve risen to the challenge. Great work!


Looks like youve worked out the best way to use BB. Great work there. Somedays you might not stick to it and spend half the day here. Ive done that but as long as youve got a few things accomplished in the day too and put your offline life first.


Of course your view of the world will keep changing. Moods do that but dont loose sight of the good things too. Transitioning in the life stages is hard work. I wont say its easy because it just isnt.




Ok well maybe moving back home isnt the best option if you think it will make things worse but youve got other options that youve just listed so maybe its possible to make these changes that will better you. Just a few options to think about.




Ahh ok now im getting what you mean about survivors guilt. You do deserve a happy and healthy life. Everyone does. Try not to feed that guilt either. I understand thats hard, I really do ive got things in life (not forum suited) that I feel guilty over too but its part of life. I can tell you there are ALOT of people probably a lot more than you realsie who feel the same. We survive for a reason. We might not find the purpose in lfie till later but you are here. You deserve to be here and never doubt that.

sending lots of comforting hugs

xoxoxo

[Guest_1055]

Hi M....

I can think of something positive in you. Shall I tell you? Well it was what you wrote on the nature thread. You draw me in somehow to experience bits of what you did. I felt like I was on your roof as well. I even virtually could feel warmth on the bottom of my feet from the roof tiles. A good writer is like that I think. So you have the ability to do that.

Anyway I was thinking about you this morning as I was staring outside our living room window. Wondering if you think upon these lines?? I think it is sort of like your heading for your thread.

I was thinking and thinking so deeply about the reason I exist. Why anyone or anything exists really. I watched a bird getting some nectar out of a red flower , I could see it through the window. Then I thought one of the reasons the flower existing was for this bird. Then thoughts went to this.....why is the bird here, why does it exist? Is it purely for enjoyment for a human, food for another animal, to help pollinate flowers. Then why all that and for what reason is it all for. It doesn't make sense to me. And I find that I am often looking for reasons for things including the existence of the human race.

Do you think like this at all M? Also if you are feeling overwhelmed with whatever, there is no pressure to answer me or I can wait for a response.

Thanks for your post on the nature thread too. I did enjoy reading that one.

Shelk xx

[Pysis]

Hi m

how are you today?

sending hugs

Nath

[swtpotato]

hey sn it means so much to me that you take the time to reply (I know I said this already but it is true again)

Sometimes as I'm going about my day I think of you and it gives me strength -- i feel more motivated to fight the complacency

Thanks. The hard stuff is good it makes me feel challenged and then accomplished once I've thought through it all.

Yeah I've worked it out in theory and the hard stuff is putting it into practice.

I don't feel like I have much to say rn so I'll just say thanks

(also sending you hugs and maybe tea, a comfy couch and a good movie)

m xxx

[swtpotato]

Hi Shell,

It makes me happy to see you here

Thank you so much for saying that. I've thought about it but always thought I would never have the drive or talent (I've got plenty of talent in self-doubt though) but it's only really become a vague goal more recently. And by that I mean I have never written anything more than journal entries/essays but the idea of writing even for myself is appealing. I like finding the truth of experiences. Like when writers describe an experience or emotion so exactly that you feel like it has become separate from you and exists by itself in space. idk if that makes sense.

It's kind of nice being able to imagine you by the window thinking of me, makes this exchange more real. I think of you too.

I think you would love this book 'My name is Lucy Barton' and 'Anything is Possible' by Elizabeth Strout. I mentioned one of them in a book related thread. The way you write and think reminds me of them. Honestly I just know they would move you so much they are so beautiful and reading the second one recently made me want to write enough that I actually believed that it may be possible for the first time.

I do think like that a lot. I can feel a bit off and then my head buzzes with these questions and ideas going around my head, but also I was paying more attention to my thoughts today and just normally tend to go on tangents like that. I thought - why cannot I just accept things as they are?

That's interesting that you go into the reasons of things in nature. I think less about that because I'm more comfortable with it all coming into being together to form webs of interdependency. It's more complicated when you bring humans into it and all the different societies and cultures we have created, it feels like it was made just to have something to occupy our lives somehow. But also saying any of these things out loud just sounds pretentious and cliche and then I feel silly.

I hope you are doing okay and have managed to relax into spring :))))

m xx

[swtpotato]

hey nath,

I am doing okay today I had a bit of fatigue and 'weirdness' so I stopped studying and had a nap in the park until my head felt more normal. Getting 'blips' (like mood drops/confusion) from the meds every now and then. Since then did a lot of mindless internet surfing and tv watching. Sometimes my brain just can't handle anything productive but I managed to resist the urge to have more coffee (which makes it better for a bit then worse) so that's good.

The last few days I've been trying to get myself not to daydream about this guy I met and know nothing about. I don't really get attracted to people normally but apparently when I do I'm the kind of person to fantasise about an entire relationship and later on the breakup, having to get on with his friends (who I know from school), what I'd say to him if we met up, what I imagine he'd be like...and like stalking his instagram and fb.... ohno. I think i am a hopeless romantic who loves boys i was not aware. also i suddenly understand other people a lot more than before. (I just didn't really get the appeal of sex/relationships for a long time alienated me from a lot of people)

It's because this hasn't really happened before (except that housemate I have) and it's a sudden source of excitement in a very unexciting life and I want to hold on to it. Also he has two blue heelers.

I would ask you how you are but am just about to on your own thread

m xx

[swtpotato]

side note ---> made it onto the long term support section !! (a few posts ago but it is nice to see)

thanks to everyone for being around

[Cesca1557]

congrats on making it to long term support section! 🙂
I was reading your reply to nath and I completely feel the same about dreaming up a whole relationship before anything has really happened haha i do the exact same thing! but my reasoning is it doesnt hurt anyone, and i enjoy thinking of the happy positive possible outcome, even if it never comes true. its nice just to think about it

how are you going today?

thinking of you

[Pysis]

Hi m

im glad your feeling a little better at the moment even if you've had a few blips, haha. I have those blips as well I think it's just part of it all.

Haha, I'm really happy for you hopefully something might come of it. I had no idea girls day dreamed like that, I mean I've thought about about where things would go with the girl I've met and stuff like what's her mum and sister are like and if we did work out how that would look becuase she love a fair bit away, but not to the extent your talking about. How's that feel? I didn't get the sex/ relationship appeal before either but I think I'm starting to understand it now too, haha. Haha, blue healers are pretty cool.

how are you today?

sending hugs

Nath

[swtpotato]

hey c and nath,

haha I'm glad you do it too c. It is nice to think about it. I also tend to idealise/over-romanticise people I like and get too carried away and it doesn't end well. By that I mean I've done it once before and my expectations were way too high without me even realising it so I don't really want that to happen again.

Nath I'm not sure about other girls but I certainly do my imagination can go pretty crazy sometimes. One time I found out a guy liked me (wasn't even attracted to him) and had day dreamed the entire relationship including arguments, awkwardness, breakup, and evolution of feelings before realising what I was doing. I am a bit dramatic sometimes.

But it feels really good I just tell myself now I'm only allowed to think about him for a limited time then get on with my independent life. From what I know about him he seems very sensitive, caring and passionate with similar interests. We are exchanging our favourite music atm. I had a blue heeler x kelpie who died a couple years ago who I still miss a lot, so now I want to meet his dogs. If I did I would probably cry. So what I am saying Nath is you should include a photo of you and one of your animals on your tinder profile haha.

I am alright even though I've been feeling a bit better my study motivation is still pretty low, I think it's from habit. I'm just ready for the semester to be over so I can focus on improving my energy levels.

How are you both today? What are you up to?

m