existential and social anxiety - can you relate?

[swtpotato]

hi everyone,

I was posting on the welcome and orientation section but thought I should move things here as it's more on-topic.

So my mental health story: I have always been really introverted and spacey kinda kid but also very optimistic and idealistic. I grew up being really self-conscious and felt like there was something wrong with me but was pretty good at ignoring it.
I had this bad lsd trip (1.5yrs ago) which blew all of my insecurities way out of proportion. I had all this derealisation and depersonalisation and severe social anxiety which led me to develop IBS and chronic fatigue. I was obsessed with the concept of identity and meaning and thought it was impossible to truly connect with other people.

[startingnew]

Is there anything I could be be doing different on bb that you may think could improve how much I get out of it?


This is a tricky one,a question ive asked myself. This is really something only you can figure out and a lot of it is through experience. A few suggestions I have though are :
make sure you balance here and life. Whilst you might like to be here and helping others you have to live your normal life too. Get out with friends, enjoy the weather, go for walks, and do the things you want to do. Always remember that the posts arent going anwhere and you can reply later on.
Another thing is remember that you cant help everyone, as much as we would like to have evry person we have to be aware that we cant. Read the comment and have a think to yourself if you can really help that person. I find I read a lot of threads and realise that its not my area of expertise and are better of with other members who have the knowledge to guide this person along.
Its in the best interests of that person as well as your own to be able to know when to step up or step back if that makes sense.
This again is all learned through experience but wanted to share some things that ive learnt to do whilst being here and hope that it helps others.

You said your environment had a lot to do with the way youve been feeling and I very uch agree with you there and you have actually pointed it out for yourself. You were better before and when you got back to melb you fell back into these habits- says a lot yeah?
Its very hard to just move on from the life youve always known, the friends youve met and where you want to be in life. Please be mindful that even though you think your friends are moving on, they are probably thinking the same about you as well.
Never say your nothing, because you are definently someone. Please dont doubt that because thats what gets us into trouble in our own minds.
So you dont know who you are? Join the club im going through the same thing and since I menationed that there are older people some in their 40s that still have no idea who they are or have a real sense of identity. Your still so young and will figure it out as you go along. Dont go under labels, just be you and the rest will follow. Your sense of self will always change because you learn new things, try new things, get other jobs or make a career, meet new people. Life is forever changing but you will never be a nothing. You are M and that is enough.

(post 2)

[startingnew]

Im wondering if your able to make an arrangment with your studies where you can be at home? Are you able to transfer to online or another campus where its closer to home. You sound a lot happier there and I atually think your environment is playing a lot of influence in the way you feel. Of course it wont change your anxiety or the need for therapy etc but you are certainly more supported with your family and long term friends.






In your last post just now it has some positive points so try to focus on them when thing get tough.


Im sorry I think im missing something- survivors guilt? Are you refferring to the conditions you have or another event? Sorry I dont want to trigger you but in order to help the best I can it would help me if you could explain abit more

ok thats the 3rd and final post- sorry it took forever to get all that up but i wanted to give you the best answer i could give

[startingnew]

theres a third post M just not up yet

[startingnew]

thats ok 2 posts is enough for now if youd like to answer, or not thats totally fine too. the 3rd post jsut had 2 questions which you can answer later or never

🙂

[Peppermintbach]

Hi m,

Aw thanks 🙂

In all honesty, I think answers generally lie within a person. I think that this is especially true for you because I often find you sort of answer your own question most of the time anyway (I mean it in a positive way). I mean, everyone has different qualities but that's one of your strengths...that self awareness & insight.

Speaking of which, there we go...you've again answered your own question (but it's still nice of Butterfly to flutter past with some bonus tips) 😉

The only thing that I would add, and feel free to take it on board/reject it (just because I give advice, it doesn't mean anyone has to take it lol) is in terms of replying to posts...I go by my gut instinct.

I select threads often due to unexpected reasons. It's not necessarily always because of similar experiences (but it can be). I often choose threads based on the person's writing style, "personality" (or as much as you can figure out anyway) and intelligence/insight is a big drawcard for me 😉

As for the survivor's guilt...that's a tricky one. Hopefully if you engage in more activities, etc and build your confidence that, over time, those all help to drown out the guilt. I mean, you have done nothing wrong and deserve to recover.

I am glad you're sounding more focused despite the survivor's guilt. That's fantastic!

All the best with your assignment!

Pepper xoxo

[swtpotato]

SN thank you so much for taking the time to write such a considerate and thoughtful response.

Okay you've given me a few things to think about -- reading your post does bring up some positive realisations of how far I've come now it is good to be reminded. Good to focus on what I've improved on rather than the bad I still want to fix. My friend said to me we are all too focused on what we are lacking in life from the moment we wake up e.g. 'oh I haven't slept enough', rather than starting the day with what we do have.

less reactive:

- body feels mostly comfortable in tutes, less introspection, no pounding heart and less faint. I led a debate and won without having done the readings!! so mind is not paralysed and has spontaneous ideas

- housemates friend came over last night and we had drinks, they got high (a trigger for me weed used to be a source of panic even if I don't use it) 'darkness' never came I had fun then went to bed early because I was tired rather than uncomfortable (ok maybe a little bit)

- went to a gallery by myself - had emotional reactions, less body pain, not overwhelmed by people and lights

more open:

- less 'secretive' will tell anyone about my faults and fears if they'll listen, less shame

- felt satisfaction after accomplishing some study

- could probably handle criticism and teasing (rather than interpreting everything as my fault)

- i have opinions (even if part of me still thinks opinions don't matter as everything is too subjective and impossible to be sure about anything - i am okay with having temporary strong opinions ---> generally more ok with temporary everything can't avoid it

- working towards better self-esteem, will take a long time, but more aware that the way I think of myself and appearance is effed up

ah this will probably all take a few posts oh well

and SN absolutely no worries for not being around I am in awe of your generosity already, knowing you are going through tough times but still seeing you around helping others. pls take care of yourself (I know you are, but I'll say it anyway)

(to be continued)

[swtpotato]

(2)

This is all very good advice thank you. Things that would help me then is to structure when I use this site and try not to think too much about issues when offline. Second would be being asked questions here that is really helpful. Third I think is practising empathy without projecting my own experiences onto others when helping people.

Yes you are right who cares as if anyone knows (I say but atm still very much care)

It is the existential dread associated with identity and my experiences with derealisation and depersonalisation that triggered it. As always I suppose it is never the content the fear is directed at but the fear itself, but logically getting around it will surely help lessen it eventually my subconscious will get the message. The transition is weird and can't not be -- the realisation that life goes on and has a lot in it, when before it felt like I didn't have much time left - big change. which keeps changing depending on the mood but that's just how it is.

Transferring? interesting

I guess I should consider it. The week back home was good as it was a holiday, family wanted to spend time with me (not long enough to be sick of each other), and sister had just gotten engaged! When I was home last sem I was a bit agoraphobic and felt extremely stuck and isolated. Moving back feels a bit like failing to succeed out of my comfort zone. I think it'd be too hard uni wise I have 1 year left with centrelink so money isn't too bad atm.

Other options --- could move houses. go from 10min walk to uni to 40min tram, but would be living with my best friend with cheaper rent so i'll have to think about that.

Survivor's guilt: more to do with chronic fatigue being helped so much with ADs - leading me to think that MDD had more to do with symptoms than CFS. I had started to accept I wouldn't get better for years, and was like, what right do I have to have a good and healthy life? how privileged is that? some people have incredibly hard lives then die early from some incurable disease. it just happens. (can see where the meaningless of life came into my thinking) people can have severe CFS for a whole lifetime. there's so many people not getting help that desperately need it and there's hardly anything we can do medicine isn't advanced enough we pretend we have the answers but we don't. I think our society is overly hedonistic and individualistic it really fks with me and it makes me feel helpless, and like having fun is pointless and selfish.

[Pysis]

Hi m

i did write a long message to you yesterday but it's still not up yet, not sure what's going on.

sending hugs

Nath

[swtpotato]

SN - ok thank you for getting me to think about these things I feel better having done that. Also realised I must be in a good mood from what I was writing, I am not very confused atm for once amazing.

Hi Pepper,

Both of your responses have helped me find some clarity in these questions thank you. It's there I've just got to be encouraged to carve it out.

That is an interesting approach and something I should also think about. I am in less need of urgent help now compared to the start so I want to start getting to know people more on here, rather than solely giving advice.

That's true. I feel like a lot of my worries will lessen once I start taking part in life more (depending on how the fatigue goes) but at the same time feel like they are all still underlying fears that will emerge again if I don't directly deal with them. so gotta find a balance between understanding and distracting. have always struggled with this balance my urge to understand/analyse is way too strong.

Hey Nath - I am sure it'll come up, might just be in moderation.

I think this is a better approach to continuously venting (which is good too) I feel like I have actually accomplished things.

Thank you all for your support and understanding.

I haven't posted much on others as I've been busy but want to get around to them soon.

m xxx

[startingnew]

Hi M

I cant write a full response now. I hope you understand but i still really care for you and wanted to check in to send some extra hugs your way ❤❤