Hey everyone
I am not sure what I want out of this...I just have been having some weird days and want to vent about it somewhere.
I felt pretty depressed and flat today. Like a bland, dry, badly mashed potato...that's been left out few a few days... and everyone's like why is it still there? just put it in the bin already. It doesn't add anything, really just leaves the air smelling 'off'.
All of my limited conversing today fell flat...feeling like I am poisoning the atmosphere, my blandness bleeding from my shaky edges.. so I exaggerate my fatigue and go away by myself.
But I don't even try to stop it? I self-indulge, I wrap myself in it and don't move. Can't even be bothered to consider the idea of looking after myself, in any small way.
I feel like if people looked inside of me, they would just find air, as they expected. I am a pretender. I am partly scared that if I spend too much time on here I will again find myself on the outside looking in.
I cannot stop avoiding life. I am addicted to giving up and wallowing. When I am fatigued I feel like that is all my brain can do, I feel like I barely exist.
Ah.. I do tend to get melodramatic sometimes. It can be very satisfying. I tried to do some cbt exercises today. Yes, changing your thoughts can change your mood. But how do I get the energy or the clarity to change thoughts that really are mostly reacting to confusing intense fatigue and brain fog?? Also idk I find it really boring, I know bad excuse.
Idk what this is about or if I should post it here. I am being so self-indulgent. I am just v tired. I am sorry for not trying to counter-act this. You are all going through so much. I just wanted to leave it as is.
it was a beautiful sunny day today.
