Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

I guess when I have some spare time I could try drawing again... it's just kind of frustrating to draw since I feel like it'll only feel cathartic if I draw 'perfectly'. I think that was one of the reasons I stopped drawing actually; couldn't deal with how bad they looked despite spending hours on them... and lord knows I don't need another reason to feel even more inadequate. Stupid huh?

Im so sorry to hear about your bird and your breakup... How're you dealing with these things though? Glad you managed to enjoy at least a small part of your weekend though; the food sounds yum.

My long weekend was okay I guess. I was just at home/in bed a lot tbh. Cuddled with my dog a bit which is always great. Had a really rubbish day/night on Tuesday though. Had about 1.5hr sleep, work was hectic and have to go out for a dinner tonight so I'm tired as hell.

Hope you're doing well.

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Or maybe your parents do. I dunno. It can even come in the form of people commenting on whether something looks good or bad all the time, and never just that you did it at all.

Eh. I've been worse. I've gotten a lot better over time at dealing with loss. I know what I have to do. I just need to do it.

What happened on Tuesday which made it so hard to sleep? Even one night's bad sleep can ruin a week.

Hope the dinner tonight goes well and you don't feel too exhausted.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

James,

Yeah I do tend to put pressure on myself I guess. Always have ever since I was a kid, even though my parents never pushed me about achievements and things like that.

Nothing actually happened on Tuesday but I was just in a really bad place and was incredibly suicidal and just spent the night contemplating things and crying for hours. Hence the insane lack of sleep. I have crappy sleep in general anyway though.

How are you doing and how was your weekend? Hope you're doing okay esp considering things that happened last week for you.

- PL x

[HamSolo01]

hey PL and James

Just writing up my message again in case my initial one doesnt go through. Managed to hit reply just as i went through a black spot reception.

I know exactly how you feel PL. I had what you experienced last Tuesday over the past 3 weekends. Honestly, weekends are the worst for me personally. I just tune out from all social media.

[james1]

Hey guys,

Yeah I actually do not engage with people at all at home. I never thought about it, but I log onto Facebook from home maybe once a week, and email once a week as well. And I almost never log into the forums from home.

I find it helps me with having my space, but it also does mean it can get a bit lonely. If it does, I just try to call someone and see what they're doing. I find that helps. Or I go outside to buy something from the shops or cafe - that's always nice. I just try to say hello to the barista or check out person.

my weekend was mostly cleaning. I don't think I really did anything else. 😕 still, it was nice. I'd been meaning to clean up again for a while.

James

[HamSolo01]

hey james1

I think one of the biggest hurdles/challenges that we can face with mental illness is loneliness. Easily.

I can feel lonely in the midst of company. I can feel conencted when on my own. Thats depression i guess.

I've also noticed that whenevee i see people i know of (so people i recognise but dont know) i feel pretty crap. Like i am now. I am here eating and reading a book for uni and there is a table here with people like that...

I wrote about this stuff in my own thread. Just recently in fact.

I know that quitting social media has actually rewired my brain. I'm less incredulous when it comes to people telling me about their lives. It's a very one sided look at things.

Finding new friends is really hard. Especially when you are unmotivated.

I think i better stop there before i end up making myself feel worse.

Hopefully what i have said has resonated though

[james1]

Hey mitch,

I'll have a look in at your thread again. Sorry, I've taken a half break from the forums just to focus on myself again, so I've been pretty lax with some threads.

And yeah, I think you're right that it can be very lonely in a crowd sometimes. I think it's still good to try and get out a bit, but not overdo it. There's too much pressure on people to be social. Some people just don't like that. It's a bit of trial and error, I think, to figure out how much social activity you do like, but I think that's what these years are for - working that out.

James

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Don't think I've been quite this bad and felt this hopeless since I last attempted. + new job starts tomorrow and so nervous. Almost feel like I'd be better off doing it tonight so I won't have to deal with all the nervousness etc that I'll be feeling in the new few weeks... (I know I'm such a coward). I just feel crap. Almost every day I think about ending it all. Just don't see the point in anything. Don't see the point in putting up with these day to day struggles, or the point in living and breathing... don't see the point of my existence or human existence in general. I don't know. I hope I'll disappear soon.

[HamSolo01]

Hey there PL

Down in the dumps too i see.

I have been as well.

Where is the new job at if you don't mind me asking? What are you nervous about exactly?

I empathise with you in regards to wanting to end it. I am particularly stressed out at the moment given I have a major essay due this wednesday and I am also worrying about post uni life.

I haven't really been posting on forums as much as I have in the past because sometimes going over everything can make me end up worse. Other times it helps and then others it doesn't. All it proves is how unpredictable the whole damned process is.

Take it easy. I know exactly how you feel. Please reach out if you need help, like you have done here.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi HamSolo,

It's at another virology lab but with people I don't know/haven't worked with before. So I'm just nervous about the new work and making new friends etc. because I'm so awkward and I feel uncomfortable around new situations and people.

I can really relate to stressing out about uni and assignments. Please remember that, even it doesn't feel like it, on the off chance you don't do well or as well as you want to, it won't be the end. Is there a way to tell your lecturers/tutors you're struggling to get extra support (both for the assignment and for post uni things)?

yeah I agree that sometimes going on the forums and going over things can make you ruminate on your problems more than help. But for me I haven't been going on as much simply because I just feel so incoherent and like I have no energy to do anything... I just. Idk. I'm sick and tired of getting out of bed and having to pretend I'm fine and go to work and be an adult when all I want is to just curl up and ignore the world I guess. I know that sounds so childish but I'm just tired of it all.

Take it easy as well Mitch. Hope things work out for you and things take a turn for the better soon.

- PL x