Empty and lost and so lonely

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I feel so empty and lonely... I have plenty of close friends who I share lots of aspects of my life with. But I try to not tell them about how I feel too often because I feel so, so, SO EMPTY (sorry, no other word comes close to how I feel so I'm probably going to use it a lot) all the time and I don't want them to get sick of me. I'm sure they already are anyway. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. The one thing I've wanted to do since I was 13, I can't. I'm just so lost and everyone around me seems to be moving forward, in at least one aspect of their lives. Whereas I'm just running around in circles.

As a little background, I'm 22 and I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was in high school. I'm on antidepressants and I'm still trying to find one that works even though I've tried (what feels like) all of them. I don't see a MH professional because I have lots of difficulty telling people how I feel and it's a thousand times worse when I have to do it in person. For about 1.5 years, things were manageable despite not being on any meds/seeing any professionals but then at the end of 2015 things got really bad again and they haven't gotten better since then. I've had to take a lot of study leave which makes me feel even worse about myself since I've always been seen as the "academic" friend of the group (straight A's in high school kind of person I guess) and it just makes me feel like I can't even do the one thing I'm decent at.

I don't know what the point of this was, other than that I know I just really need to get it out there because I really, really can't burden my friends any more than I already have. I'm sorry if this makes no sense. I can barely formulate sentences in my head and remember them for more than 4 seconds at a time because I'm just finding it so hard to concentrate on anything. I'm sorry. Sorry if you ended up wasting your time to read this messy rant...

- PL

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey James,

I guess you're right - what matters is that I'm still giving things a go... idk I feel guiltier and guiltier every time I think I'm "moving forward" in "recovery". Such a big part of me feels like I need to be miserable all the time, I need to suffer and anything good that happens to me is bad because I don't deserve it. Sigh. Don't you just *love* overthinking things hahaha... (/sarcasm)

How did the client meeting end up going? I'm sure your client didn't mind you had on a different jacket/that you didn't shave. And yeah it's been really windy here too but at least it's been fairly sunny. Hoping for some warmer weather soon! Oh and my weekend was fine, it was pretty chill which was a nice change from the last couple weeks. Watched that new Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L Jackson movie the hitman's bodyguard - if you like action comedy I recommend it! It was pretty funny haha.

Hope you have a good rest of the week at work.

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

The feeling of guilt when you're moving forward is not something that someone with a good upbringing would feel, but it is very normal for someone without a good upbringing. I know the feeling very well and we hear it a lot on the forums too about people who feel they don't deserve to be better, and should be sad. Sometimes it can even happen when people get stuck in a mental loop of: "I have depression. Therefore, I should be sad." You can see how that will just circle downwards. It's a real trap.

I know I have the same thing deep down and it is something I'm constantly working with my psych on and she keeps catching me out, just as you're catching yourself here as well (good work btw!). Knowing what views you have is very helpful for being able to challenge them. I know you said you weren't ready to talk to your doctor yet before, but when you do feel ready, they can really help you feel comfortable challenging these thought patterns. It's very hard on your own, though we can see you are trying, even if subconsciously.

It's a healthy thought pattern to want to get better and we all have it. Some of us just need to nurture that thought pattern a little bit more.

Oh the meeting got cancelled thankfully, haha. Lucky me. We've been super busy at work.

Oh I haven't heard of that. Is it like Deadpool? I loooved that.

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

I myself haven't been on the forums of late. Had a minor "setback" last week.

But i can therefore totally relate to what you were talking about when said that you felt lazy and such when it comes to having things in life that are good and such.

It seems like what youve gone through lately is similar in tune to me. Things just end up working and you are left there thinking "meh" and you get confused/frustrated because you begin to think it should make you feel better......... but then its like "coz depression"

Finding the 'something' is bloody hard. Only 1%of 23 year olds manage to do that i reckon... just going by what i see.. which is complete opposite to what i usually think.. which is that most people have it sorted out.

James has good advice here and he's said some helpful stuff on my thread too. The truth is we just need to keep going.. i had a job interview last week and failed it and started getting upset because i need money. So long as do our best given the circumstances then thats all that can happen.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hi James and HamSolo,

James: I think my upbringing was pretty good actually so it's surprising you said that's what someone without a good upbringing would say... and yeah, I will admit a big part of me really wants to start seeing a psychologist or something, just so I have someone to talk to regularly who can understand what I'm thinking about etc I guess (maybe I'm just lonely hahah. How pathetic lol) but as much as I want to start seeing one I still feel too scared to do it.

Not quite like deadpool in the sense it's not a superhero movie but I guess they're similar in their humour style?

HamSolo: yeah the things you said definitely stroke a chord in me... I'm sorry you've been having a setback lately. Did you want to talk about it?

How have you guys been?

I've been feeling really crap lately. Like the intense suicidal urges are coming back. I've been in bed for two days and I feel so disgusting and lazy and stupid and unwanted and such a burden. I don't know. I just don't want to be here so badly. But I can't get any emotion out. Idk. Nothing is making sense in my head. I just know I want to disappear so badly.

I hope you've both been doing better than I have.

- PL x

[james1]

Hello PL,

Nice to hear from you.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling a lot again. From personal experience, I know it is really exhausting and quite demoralising having suicidal urges come back repeatedly. I guess the question comes down to where to go from here?

We want to keep supporting you, but when the suicidal urges come back, I'm really worried that we won't be able to help you the way you need us to, simply because we are not there.

I'm also worried that your fear of opening up in person is greater than how you value your happiness. I suppose you can see how that will loop into loneliness, a greater fear, and worsening self-image.

This is just food for thought.

I've got a friend who recovered from depression without any help. He just went for broke and just confronted his family who was causing him grief. I have another who instead looked at himself and used techniques from a book to rediscover his values and identity. I see a psych twice a week.

All of us did these things after different lengths of time with depression.

From what you've said, you sound like you know what things you want to change about your situation. You sound like you also want to see a psychologist.

We can't convince you to go, but I can say that I wish I had gone earlier than I actually did. I am by no means fixed - I had a pretty rough night last night - but having the two sessions a week really helps me remember that I am at least moving forward.

I don't mean to ask this in any way other than literally - no meanness intended - but what, honestly, are you waiting for?

I'd been in denial for a long time and I was waiting for more drama. I wanted a big break-up that would drive me to the psych. And I definitely got that - and I regretted it. But I kept telling myself I needed evidence because I didn't want to admit it to myself that I was 'sick'.

How about you?

James

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

My setback that recently came about was hard. Very hard. I thought I had made all this progress. But then it gets pulled to shreds and I hate myself and pretty much anyone else. I get very angry at myself and lash out sometimes... by hitting things (never people) then I just get even worse and I internalise it... Like trying to swallow fire.. It's like a visceral hatred (highly irrational) towards myself. I progressively get worse and worse after this experience. I take things personally and I fall in a heap... basically back to where I started..

Lately I have done a lot of self-exploring. Why I think what I think, what I think what I think and how I come to some conclusions over myself and my life. What I've begun to realise is that I have let 2 'friends' of mine dictate how I view myself. Specifically when it comes to my lack of romantic history and the fact I'm more introverted as if that was a bad thing.. Check up on my other post "I just feel like I have no chance" in the Long Term support over the journey thread for more details. Feel free to chime in too. Hopefully it helps you. I find that these forums are a form of mutual feedback.The first post I made pretty much sums it up.

I will be honest with you about psychologists. It may take time for you to click with someone. I've had utterly useless psychologists because they simply didn't operate on the same wavelength (emotionally and intellectually - as arrogant as that may sound lol). The one I see now is good though, because it's practical and being able to share what's going on WITH a practical component is so essential. Good psychologists challenge us. We can't expect to improve without a bit of challenge. Granted we don't always feel up for it though.

James is on to something here - what are you waiting for. I agree. I think what I have been waiting for a is a silver bullet to shoot through my anxiety. The reality is that I am the silver bullet. I start group therapy next week and that is part of the ONGOING process of getting to a better version of myself. That's what all this therapy is for. Rather than letting it run about in a circle.

There is more I could say but I just wanted to jump in because it's been a while since I last spoke to you in any direct sense.

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey guys,

I know it seems like I'm just being difficult by not wanting to go to a psychologist etc. and you're right. I do feel like I'm waiting for something. I'll try to explain but this is something I've always struggled to put into words. I guess what I'm waiting for ultimately is to succeed in getting so bad that I end up..well..dead. I honestly don't want to get better; I never have. I feel like I'm still in this limbo because I'm too scared to actually end everything so while I'm "waiting" to get to that point, I'm just doing things to make life manageable I guess. So I don't actually want to "get better" in the long run. I'm not even sure if any of that makes sense... And I know that's pathetic and I suck as a human being because I'm just wasting my life and I don't deserve to even be posting anything on here and wasting your time... IDK. I feel like I can't form coherent sentences most of the time these days because my mind's so muddled up and my thoughts are all over the place... So I'm sorry if nothing makes sense.

@HamSolo - I know this is so cliched but relapsing is a part of recovery right? I don't mean to trivialise anything, I really really don't, but maybe with each setback you learn how to pick yourself back up faster and faster each time y'know? I'm sorry I really suck at this. But I do feel like I can relate to what you said about getting angry at yourself and this intense hatred for yourself though and I know how much that sucks so I hope that your hatred and anger towards yourself will dissipate soon and that you can manage to treat yourself kinder soon. (I really suck at this I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)

And I know it takes a lot of tries to find the right psychologist but as I explained above, I just don't want to get better I guess. IDK. And I know they're meant to challenge us and our negative thinking/habits etc. etc. but I've always hated that hahaha... I just. I don't want to be better. I really bloody don't. I want to be gone. I don't want to grow old. I don't want to go through life. I just don't. want. to be. here.

I'll definitely give your thread a try. Also good luck for your group therapy next week! Let us know how that goes yeah?

Again I'm sorry nothing makes sense in this post and sorry for being so selfish and making everything about me and sorry for being so difficult and for being stubborn and useless and stupid and annoying and just sucky in general. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

- PL x

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

I'm so useless. Selfish. Pathetic. Truly a burden to everyone with the misfortune of knowing me. I really need to and should just disappear forever asap. Why am I still stopping myself sigh.

[HamSolo01]

Hey PL

Firstly, don't apologise for anything. You did nothing wrong.

A simple question for you... why did you post up on here if you didn't want to get better? I feel like deep down you probably do. I mean why else would you be here right?

Perhaps you are confusing comfort in the depression/anxiety for not wanting to get better. I know this EXACT feeling.

You are right too. Relapsing is just part of the process of recovery I guess. Each time I do I try to remember a quote from the Dark Knight Trilogy.. It's what Bruce Wayne's father tells him... "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up". It also reminds me of something my grand dad once told me - to grab things by the throat and make them work for you.. it's the only way you can tackle problems in life.. by making them submit.

Don't deny the pain and depression. But don't let it consume you either.

On that note I am off to the gym

Laters

[Piertotum_Locomotor]

Hey HS,

I started posting on here to vent I guess. I try to not talk about any of these things IRL because I know most of my friends don't understand and are probably sick of me. So I thought I'd write somewhere where people at least have a sense of what it's like (e.g.) to be in a particularly bad depressive episode where even just getting out of bed is hard. But I know I should probably stop posting here because I'm just wasting everyone's time if I don't even want to get better right? Idk, I just feel lost. I don't really know what I want other than to die but it's hard to go through with that once I start thinking about what people will think/feel, especially whoever finds me. Idk.

I know you're right in that I do find my mental illnesses comforting because I hate changes to my routines. I think a lot of us may have that in common unfortunately huh?

Ive always likes that quote you mentioned from Batman. And your grandad sounds like he's a very wise man.

Hope your gym sesh was fun 🙂

thanks for replying my messy ramble from yday too.

- PL x