Dear Steph~
There's not much I can say to assist at the moment, only one suggestion that I'll get to in a minute.
First I'd like to say I admire you. I've read your posts, how you've had your inbuilt buttons pressed by those that instinctively know just the right touch to get what they need. I've read how you realize this and fight against perceived but unwarranted guilt and weakness. How the strength within can falter then be resumed.
I've seen you respond to the solid wisdom and experience of Starwolf (definitely a lady) & others.
I used to visit houses where such relationships were common and always wondered why they continued. I'd say to myself it's because of her kids, or there's no women's shelter nearby, or some other such practical reason, not really understanding.
I was a young eager constable at that stage firmly convinced that right would prevail and all justice came from the law. As time went on I learned about those women not leaving, about the law. About cruelty, injustice.
40 years on I still believe in right, in kindness. Within my own very small sphere I try to adhere to and promote them. There are many like me, more than you might suspect. That means there is hope for fairness, not all is bleak. Also that there most probably is someone who is good for you, in time, if you want there to be - you may not.
My suggestion is this, and not having been down your path it might be silly - if one is suicidal one has a safety plan, which among many other things is a stalling mechanism & allows input from others so that fresh thoughts build before it is to late - you may have one, I don't know.
Is such a plan possible to combat those buttons being pressed? How would it work? Is one still necessary?
Croix (who apologizes if he displays a lack of understanding)
