DEVASTATED

[Falling_Angel]

Hi i havent been on for a while but im at the end of my tether

im sick of ppl assuming things about my life and then actually making me believe they are honest and true& yet they lie straight to my face especially since i put all my trust in them and thats really hard for me and also,especially since its a obvious misunderstanding on the other persons behalf ????????????????

Im confused,angry ,upset and basically plain devaststed. Why why why ??I try soo hard to please those i care about just to have it slapped in my face... I honestly give up ....!!!!!!!!!!! i really dont think im getting the proper support i need atm and then to have someone close to me run me down and not remember anything ive done for them .. thinkng im just a taker (wow) anyway this person means the world to me and i dont know how to go about working out the problem especially if i feel the replies arent honest omg how did i allow myself to get shattered like this or let myself ....!!and all because of a miscontrude overheard conversation that had nothing to do with this person and also was taken the wrong way,without discussing it with me which would have made it all different omg

anyway guess im asking how do i stop the suicidal thoughts thats are currently and have been for a few days consuming my mind ? i now feel like a noone like ive been put in the same catergory this person sees nearly everyone ? it hurts and im just gob smacked

any suggestions if anyone reads this please?? HELP

[Falling_Angel]

hi SN yes im fine thanks just beeen sleeping lots due to chronic brochicitus and sinuses

im so sorry to hear about the doctors doagnosis but also glad u had tests done because only way to treat anything is to hopefully find it early .....i wont go on about it i do find it unususual they are leaving them for 6m i thought they treated all abnormal cells the same and remove them???????????????

sorrry SN I was in bed at 9 pm just got up at 1030 am omg i feel awful....perhaps too much sleep? but anyway im here .... ill wait for your reply if i dont catch it today ill get it in morning .....big hugs hope your feeling abit better you know already its not your fault...-hugs- FA XX

[startingnew]

Im sorry your
feeling sick. That sounds really horrible. I have had a chest
infection and that was bad enough so I feel for you. Hopefully you
clear up quickly




yeah I ahd the tests
done but I wish I didnt have the diagnoses. Its ruining me. Its now
like the SA is literally living inside me and im not ok with that. Im
having a hard time accepting that.

Im open to
conversation about this so please dont hold back on what you want to
say ok
they have to wait 6
months to see if theres any change at all. If theres any change or I
get more symptoms that its getting worse then I get an earlier pap
smear. I get refferred to a gynocologist if its changed. Theres a
chance that with this one is that within 6-12 months it can go away
on its own. Theres nothing that can be done about it except wait and
see if its going to get worse or whether it go but remain dormant in
the system




I think having too
much sleep can contribute to that feeling but I think by the sounds
of those infections your body needs it and sleep is important for
recovery. Infections also make you feel so blah

i also faced my fear yesterday of getting a blood test which ive been putting off for a few months now

they think it could possibly be an internal bug eating away at my stomach- but can only be found in blood tests and it could be the reason for me feeling so sick all the time

[Falling_Angel]

Well Dear SN i have alot to say just where to start .....thanku im on antibiotics for 2 months to help clear it im a smoker and also have copd so im not really helping myself am i ...but i cant even think of giving up cigs until after the court case etc,anyway on to you ok fair enough regarding the abnormal cells and waiting 6 months ii actually had them when i was around 22 and had to go to gyno and they were cancer cells and i ended up in hospital not long after having them burnt off well thats how it was desciribed probably lasered off and then had to have pap smears every 6 months then every year and then every 2 years now since its been so long with no abnormal cells u know i didnt even consider my SA when i was diognosed but probably because i had a long term relationship and 2 kids by 21 ..... i think yoour right regarding me and sleep with my current situation but i know lots is still depression and the bug u are talking about my sister had that and she was put on antibiotics for a cpl of months u have to have like 2 lots or something and nexium have u started taking them yet?? theyll help trust me ......and they could only find hers via a stool sample ....then she had to have bloods etc for a while after but then months after that she started feeling sick again and she is goin thru the same thing checking if it come back wow..... i hope its not that but hope u get sorted out more than anything ...and it would be nice for a change if family looked after u for a while dont u think?? what did u think of just sara saying about hospital?? how are u feeling now? talk soon kind thoughts and -hugs-FA XX

[startingnew]

You can start
wherever you like
im interested in
what you have to say even if its just a rant and in that case im
still here and im hearing you
my nan had copd and
I certainly feel for what your going through. Im glad your on
antibiotics to help clear that infection up. Gee your in the wars
abit




the only way I
couldve got this was from the SA as im a virgin otherwise. I really
want the 6 months to actually just hurry p. I cant stand waiting and
not knowing theres some sort of virus that may go away or may get
worse and need more further treatment.

I dont want to go
into hospital for it to be treated, what will I have to tell my
mother about it. Oh hey mum ive got hpv and I ned to go get cells
burnt out- nope I cant do that
I dont want to hell
her all the things I was 'introduced' to and im sure yu can guess
what I mean- im sure you heard a lot of it as a teenager as well-
they probably use different terms now though ie- eating out





im on an antacid at
the moment but its not helping me, its not nexium though.





Im really hoping its
not that either but ive been told by ny nurse, and 2 gps that have
said the symptoms could very well be that or its my AD meds but im
going off them and trying another one anyway as the ones im on
despite they are super strong they arent working for me so im trying
even stronger ones




it would be nice if
I could just go to hospital but its a fear of mine- even when I was
doing my exam I was triggered because it was in a hospital




I dont like going
there and I dont thinkn I could accept the fact of having to go there
either. I cant imagine what my family would think or my sisters or
mum or anyone else that knows me.

[Falling_Angel]

SN could u maybe talk the doctor pending your results an if u have to have treatment in hospital u do go under GA so youll have to have someone take u home and be with u for the night ? so someone needs to know they dont need details of these things happen usually after sexual intercourse just unlucky to have gotten them as there are many reasons why the cells come back abnormal??

yes i am in the wars i have injuries and am on a disability pension as im physically and mentally uncapable of work atm . it sux i loved working and it takes your mind off things etc,

i dont know what else to say i wonder if maybe u could get yourself a mental health support worker ? i dont know what state your in but if u could they could take u to appointments and stuff and u could talk about it as everything is confidential ? i have support workers i dont know where id be without them probably homeless as i was self destructive id go well for months then just spiral out of control when everything built up again boom ....one mistake and months to pay for it .

gee i cant imagine riding a bike and excersise of any sort atm u must be fit? so u also have gained weight from medication doesnt that suck ..!!!

i hope u can find something good in every day im trying

and your bi ... well good on you for being open enough to tell people , im also bi but i have a boyfriend i prefer men but ive never been good at relationships anyway because as soon as it gets a bit tough or my partner puts me down or tries to own me i jump ship lol

chat soon bye for now i better try to do something before i ceaze up -hugs- FA XXX

[startingnew]

My gp and psych have
both said I should be in hospital and im surprised I havent been
admitted under them yet.





Im going to talk to
my gp and see if I can get another pap smear earlier. I was abused
about 3 years ago and if this has been there since then well then if
it was going to heal then it should have already right?
I see my gp on
friday so I can ask about that and also get my blood work back as
well




I dont particularly
want to go to hospital, I have my gp and my nurse who are both
keeping an eye on me, eventually ill have a psychologist as well an I
have a psychiatrist who monitors the meds





I was very self
destructive as well and im surprised I wasnt in hospital then too but
I seem to sometimes have it under control except you seen a semi bad
side the other day- those were minor thoughts
ive actaully had a
plan and pretty much set out to do end it but ive got it under
control I dont usaully get past attemping to make plans and then I
try hard to really get it shoved out of my mind but I guess you would
know that is hard to get out of that state of mind when your in it




I try to find
something good each day though it doesnt usually end that way. Atm
most of the time its talking to you





thats the first time
ive meantioned anythign about being bi... im still trying to work it
out myself as well








lol sounds like we
really do have a lot in common with inuries and illnesses





what sort of work
did you use to do? What sort of things do you enjoy doing?
Pets?

[startingnew]

hugs FA

seems we have a lot in common with our illnesses and injuries

im oing to speak to my gp on friday about my blood results and also about the hpv and find out what more i can do and discuss the possibility of getting another test in earlier

yes im still discovering myself. i know im bi ive jsut got to accept it and work with what i have i guess

yes having meds suck for weight gain!

[startingnew]

i ahve my gp and my nurse keep an eye on me. i also ahve my psychiatist and eventually a psychologist

ive been told numerous time that i should be in hospital for at least a few days

im trying to find something good in each day and atm its talking you which i do quite enjoy

what job did you use to do or jobs?

pets?

what sort of things do you like to do?

[Falling_Angel]

Hi SN sorry i wasnt online until now....we do have lots in common...anyway the only things i can say is you may not have had them there for the whole 3 years they may have just started changing it doesnt just happen overnight ,the main thing is to keep it monitored and yes i agree talk to your doctor about what u want and why and also im talking about if u needed to go into hospital for day surgery for them to be lasered off if it comes to that?

i have had many jiobs im a gemini so im full on, well used to be anyway. i was playing a high level of netball i cant do that anymore everything i like doing i cant do and it makes me angry so im a bit lost myself atm accepting my limitations i was a admin assistant for a few years i was going to be the manager but things went sour and i quit {boss hit on me} i worked at a packaging company as a factory hand turned into artroom plate distributor ive been a bar maid i cleaned supermarkets ive managed a canteen sooo many things over the years after the doctor gets thru with me i will attempt to do part time work but not sure in what area just yet.

i was my fathers carer when he died from lung cancer ,we all were our mothers carer until she passed from cops actually and yes i still smoke strange hey .......

i just enjoy when i get the chance to see my sons and grandchildren ,my cousin who has applied for carers payment to help look after me , i buy and sell things on facebook and gumtree it amuses me and thats it..

i heard from dpp the doctor pleaded not guilty and its been sent to the supreme court now the big one but dpp told me 12\24 months before id have to go to and testify so hopefully ill get my operations over and done with before then so i can be recovered and take the B down....

so thats me im boring and depressed but go slow one day at a time well baby steps i was told so ill do that. Im so glad you have put those S thoughts aside and hopefully we can all get thru these difficult times together supporting and encouraging ....kind thoughts SN and of course -hugs- FA XX

[startingnew]

HI sweet FA




you dont have to
apologise





if I have to go to
hospital I will but not until it comes to that. I have my gp tomorrow
so ill discuss tings further with her tomorrow








wow you have had
many jobs! Ive been a stable hand and a carer, a holiday care for
pets and thats it but im sure ill have the rest of my life to do
that. Im a libra.





Oh I hope you can
get the care you deserve and need! That would make things easier and
helpful for you as well




your not boring FA
youve worked hard your life and been through a lot of hardships as
well
your not boring,
your taking care of you and giving you and your body the rest it
needs as well as being very deserving of it
and yes please take
that advice of day by day. I literally go minute by minute atm as day
by day is too hard for me




they thoughts are
always there at the back of mind playing around abit but they just
get stronger from time to time. This time was the closest ive been to
going to attempt an attempt but ive seemed to have gotten through
that bit, no doubt itll be back. Ive only scraped the tip of ice berg
at the moment




and yes im here to
support you as much as what technology will allow me to- sometimes I
wish I could just sit and hug you in life form

but through
technology we can be as connected as we possibly can


big hugs to you
xxooxxoo