DEPRESSION: Fight it or embrace it?

[Doolhof]

Right now I feel like I don't have the energy to do either. Just existing is difficult enough. I've been trying to "float" this one out but the Black Dog is right there trying to drag me under.

My Psychologist tells me to embrace the depression, to accept it, to make the most of those rotten days when you feel like you can't do a thing. To just live with it and the sting of the depression will ease away. If I don't feed it, it will give up.

I must be doing something wrong as all that seems to do is escalate how horrid I feel, I break down in tears and feel like "what is the point" this monster is winning.

Depression. BPD. Stress. Suicidal thoughts. Maybe I do need to find ways to embrace these issues before they totally destroy me. But how?

Maybe I could try poetry, I've already painted a couple of pictures showing what is going on in my head, maybe more paintings or drawings might help get the muck out.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. Mental health issues suck!

Fighting it is exhausting. Trying to embrace it is soul destroying.

ACCEPTANCE! Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE! Think it ran away with HOPE!

Wishing you all a sense of acceptance and hope!

Cheers from a battered feeling Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Deebi, Grandy and All,

My husband and I were able to talk about last night so that has helped to clear the air. Yes he is suspected of having Asperger's (By our Dr.) but has never gone to be tested. I understand that. Tonight he thanked me for our evening meal and said he appreciated it.

I told him I appreciated his thanks and if he has something to say about the meal that he doesn't like, could he find a different way to say it.

I have been thinking a lot about the different suggestion you both and others have made. I was thinking of colours the other day and trying to think of as many things as I could that were orange in colour, then green.

We were busy in the Op Shop today, we had lots of customers and there is always something to clean up and people to chat with.

Found a craft magazine in the Op Shop with ideas for cards and scrapbooking. Made a cup of tea when I came home and spent time looking in the magazine considering how I could use similar designs and styles in my journal. Felt really tired so had a snooze.

Maybe tomorrow morning I can try out some of the designs and find some cheerful and positive sayings to go with them.

I'm catching up with a friend for lunch then have a Volunteer's Appreciation dinner to attend in the evening.

The rain has disappeared from our region. Hope you still get some Grandy!

Hey Deebi and Grandy, we can take all of those goodies to a park, sit at the table and chairs there, listen to the kookaburras and magpies and have a feast! Sounds great!

Deebi, I recently bought a book about Borderline Personality Disorder. I have started to read it and find a lot of it to be helpful and explains how this condition effects the way the mind works and how to counter balance it all.

It does seem so easy at times for the mind to misconstrue what has been said and turn it into the worst comment you have ever heard in your life! I need to remind myself I don't have to think that way!

I have listened to the Smiling Mind once today and will do so just before I go to bed.

Wishing you both a day tomorrow where you feel thankful for so many things. Same for all who are reading.

Cheers from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello Mrs Dools...

Yay we got some rain yesterday...not enough to help the farmers that much...but it was just so lovely to sit in my lounge room and watch the heavens open up their heart and give us so much needed rain....It sounded better on the roof instead of what the possum? did the other night...The cows were enjoying the rain as well..they were munching on the dry grass with some rain on it...They never ran for cover at all, so I’m thinking they were also enjoying a wash from Mother Nature...😂..

Im pleased you spoke to your hubby about the things he said that upset you...Well done..It’s nice when we are listened to....

Ive not tried scrap booking although I’ve seen it done on the web...It looks good and can be done with anything that makes you feel good...Not sure I have enough patience to do that though...

It was interesting to here about borderline personality..I think in a way that most people with BP, depression can relate to making a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to small negative comments....just my thoughts...

Winter has reared it’s beautiful head today..I love winter..as long as my hands and feet are warm I love the icy cold air on my face and breathing it in...wow so refreshing...my hair hates it..being with natural ringlets and long..it frizzes outways and upways like helicopter 🚁 rotors...A bit of wind under it and up I could go😂..

I hope your weekend is a good weekend dear Mrs Dools and you can manage to do something in your garden...or something else that keeps your busy...I read else where you forgot to wear your ankle brace/support..maybe you could put it next to or on top of the shoes you intend to wear on that day.. That way it’s visible when your getting ready for your day.🤗💜...

Sending you some love and warm caring hugs dear Mrs Dools..💜🤗...

Grandy

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandy,

I agree with you, the sound of rain, especially when we have not had any for a while is wonderful, it cleans everything and brings a sense of new life and hope. I can't begin to imagine what it is like to live in a place that has had no rain for say 6 months, let alone years.

We had lunch with my husband's family today. I was offered more than just potatoes for lunch so that was nice! Even though I have tried to explain Coeliac disease and gluten intolerance to my Mother in law, after today, I realise just how much she is not understanding, so I will type her up a list or print one off the computer.

She offered me "normal" cake and Tim Tams a few times even when I explained I couldn't eat them as they have wheat and contain gluten.

I had planned to do some art and craft when we arrived home but I was so tired after not sleeping more than 3 hours the night before. I fella sleep in front of the footy. Now it is time to go to bed and I am wide awake!

Tomorrow after Church and lunch I will hopefully spend some time in the garden and do some craft in the evening. I also want to catch up on my journal, writing all the nice things that have been happening lately in it.

I have my brace lying on my shoes that I wear all the time as they are the most supportive. For some reason I just didn't put it on when I went to the Op Shop. I did today though even though I knew I wasn't walking very far. Helped support my ankle so it feel s a bit better.

Have you heard of "Zen tangles" Grandy? I have seen them in colouring books a few times and there are books just on Zen tangles. Some of the designs remind me of old fashioned embroidery stitches and designs. I Googled some last night and want to give them a try tomorrow. They look very creative and may make interesting borders in my journal.

My husband had a friend sleep over last night, so I felt compelled to stay in the house this morning while I waited for them both to get up. I used the time on the forum and cutting out pictures to use either for my journal or for the old dears to stick to cardboard to make something.

Cheers to you Grandy and to All reading from Dools

[demonblaster]

Dear Doolsy Grandy and all hi ☺

How are you feeling Doolsy. I'm glad hearing there's some positive changes happening. Great hubby has taken some on board. I love that day he asked if you wanted to go for a drive and dropped you at the beach.
It certainly is lovely having someone grateful and saying so. My darling was always appreciative which was lovely. He use to love cooking and was good. Bonus

Your mil I'm glad there's been some breakthroughs. I wonder too if her memories affected in any way.
Another way around this could be cooking at home to take your gluten free food with you though you may not need to it looks like hopefully anyway.

Good hearing your brace is giving your foot support. Hope it wasnt too bad without it. Hard being feet isnt it. Any parts of our bodies really but feet back hips knees carry the bulk of our bodies.

Mentioned elsewhere the flowers and petals sound great. Putting positives in the petals I like how you find different ways of giving yourself a chance to find peace.

Scrapbooking is very popular I haven't seen much but heard a lot. Sounds varied and any craft has a good affect on our minds allowing pleasure something to focus on achievement etc.

True Grandz 💜 BP sure has a knack at us feeling so deeply with small comments, main reason after researching I wondered was the wall being down. Don't know. Sorry Doolsy deviated a bit. That book sounds good whats the name huns please

Doolsy Grandz thanks so much for your support over yonder ☺

You mentioned you were thinking about colour I think what made me consider it is the coloured steps in your sleep thread starting at Red ending in Indigo was the mains so I guess research has something those colours we associate in our minds and bb here the butterfly has one Red wing the others yellowy orange.

Hope life's picking up Doolsy and all 🕊

[Doolhof]

Hi Deebi and All Reading,

The book I bought is called "The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay and a couple of other blokes, all with initials after their names. It is published by Harbinger Publications.

One time my sister who has a doctorate in Nursling, invited me to a conference. Everyone had initials after their names, I was going to write BPD after my name...Borderline Personality Disorder! Ha. Ha. I wonder if any of them would have known what it stood for.

Today I spent time out in the garden again and enjoyed the sunshine. I have been raking up a lot of gum leaves and bark. Removing sticks will make it easier when the grass and weeds eventually grow.

I called in to see some friends who had some things for my husband, so I took along some gluten free crackers so I could join them for a cuppa and something to eat. I don't expect people to have something when I call in with very little notice.

Yes, I have taken food to my in laws previously and to a friend's home as well.

Regarding BPD and emotions, when I have it bad, someone just has to walk past me and my mind immediately thinks the worst thing in the world about that person and myself! I know it is all in the mind and isn't at all realistic or true. Just part of the illness that I need to be aware of!

I've not done much scrap booking, but do like a lot of the papers for other craft activities and for decorating my journal.

For my journal, I drew a tree with a wide trunk and many leaves. In the trunk I wrote words about personal growth and strength. In the leaves I wrote a lot of words relating to positivity, happiness and peace.

Having a different kind of visual way of showing helpful words and attitudes adds to the journal.

I had a good day today! All I need now is to sleep better tonight!

Thinking of you Deebi, Grandy and all reading. Wishing you well.

Cheers from Bev

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest Mrs Dools...

I have been thinking about you the past few days more then I usually do and I just so much wanted to call in and ask you RUOK?...

I like the things your doing in your journal...I hope it’s okay and you don’t mind if I copy your tree idea...it sounds really a nice way to do things...

Its hard isn’t it...To train our minds to try to start thinking logical..I mean when we’re down...we know our mind is not telling us the truth..yet we seem to believe it without questioning it..until it’s too late...I think that we must try to understand that we know who we are...and believe in ourself and not listen to our negative thoughts....

I really hope your doing okay precious lady...and your managing to get outside in your garden for a little sit down..about the only thing I have growing and thriving is my cherry tomato vine...it’s really giving me some yummy tomatoes daily...I cover it nightly...to keep the frost off...Oh and I only got 2 Oranges this year😁😂...My lemon tree...no lemons this year...

I hope you’ve been doing better then okay...and I’m wishing you a good sleep and sweet dreams...

Sending you some love and some gentle caring hugs...💜🤗🤗....

Take good care of you dear Mrs Dools...and be very gentle and loving towards you....please...

Grandy..

[Doolhof]

Dear Grandy,

Thanks for dropping by. We've had a little rain here and now the weeds are starting to grow, the plants in the garden are not all covered in dirt and I am hoping we get enough rain to enable some plants to regenerate again. I think we have lost a few bushes that will not recover.

Hope you get some rain in your area. Sounds like the tomato plant is doing well!

As for me, I travelled with my sister to catch up with my Mum for Mother's Day for a few days. My other sibling joined us. My sister and I had asked Mum if we could clean the house for them as a gift, Mum did not tell Dad we would be doing that and he had his nose point out of joint.

There were a few "interesting" moments over a few days. Including a very heated argument that was unsettling.

Amongst all that, there were lovely walks, a few laughs and pleasant times together.

A friend sent me a text message wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. It had me in tears as no-one usually recognises me on Mother's Day and how I may be feeling. I felt so emotional I told the family I needed to go for a walk and had a cry.

When I returned it was like nothing had happened and I had held everyone up as we were going out for a drive. They were sitting there huffing and puffing waiting for me.

Yesterday I happened to have an appointment in the city and drove to the cemetery where 2 of our babies are buried. I went there for a while and cried.

Last night I attended a forum for setting up a Suicide Prevention service in our region.

This morning I think I am overcome with a whole load of different emotions and feelings, thoughts and reactions I have not yet had the time to process and deal with. There have been multiple triggers the last few days.

Might be a good time to get my journals out and write stuff down, the good and the not so pleasant.

I have another appointment to attend this morning, and will then be going to the home for the elderly so I will try and do some writing this morning before I leave.

There are a lot of thoughts and old hurtful memories buzzing around in my head so I need to deal with those, accept them, find a way to move on and add happy, positive and helpful thoughts and emotions to my mind.

Hope you are doing okay Grandy.

Cheers to you and all reading! Hope you have a lovely day! From Mrs. Dools

[demonblaster]

Dear Doolsy 🤗 and everyone ☺

Doolsy thank you for your kindness and support at mine. I'm on the mend again. Felt awful leaving your post unanswered but read and you know you're very loved and cared about here ⚘ I wasn't in any shape to be of help to anyone but slowly improves ☺

You dear lady and Grandy too have yet again been through a terribly painful reminder on Mothers day, my warmest love goes out to you both 🤗💗💜

Sounds like amongst hard times geez what a shame in family at least it can't be harmonious sorry hearing Doolsy. You're amazing good for you going out releasing pain and being upbeat after.

You have every reason dear Doolsy to be off kilter. As easy as this sounds try hard lovely lady to be aware of your thoughts. When our thoughts continue to roll with emotional pain by acknowledging it hurts and how we feel about it, it cascades into deeper depression. Anytime you need to talk Doolsy you know you're being heard and you have understanding & friends close by here.

Good your journalling I love how you do so much to avoid beasty. I'm amongst many here admiring your stamina and courage

Just a reminder lovey to if it might help keep looking at your hat box to prompt happies. I know this can be tricky but is well worth it, if you can try to focus on the laughs and good moments I'm so glad you had a few. As we know in depression and MH issues we hyper focus on the negatives which is cruel isn't it. If we can habit focusing on goods less room for nasty downs to invade us.

Glad hearing you had some healthy rain. There's many weeds with those insy winsy tiny widdle perfect flowers and often the colours vibrant I like one I've got growing in water atm, they're similar to pig face and grow on runners. These are a striking deep Pink. Then there's some little Yellows like orchids tinsy things. They just sit in the ground get trampled and their beauties ignored by many.

If you're up to it Doolsy keep us in touch with how you are ☺

Never doubt your strength good lady you have it in spades. You're incredible. A pleasure knowing you and calling you a friend ☺

With love and care

🤗⚘

[Doolhof]

Hi Deebi,

Thanks. Good to know you are feeling a little better yourself. It can take a lot of effort! So pleased you are in a better space. It is lovely looking out for beauty and things to appreciate around us as well, even if it is spotting tiny flowers that are weeds.

I had an appointment with the new counsellor lady which was meant to have been yesterday. It did not work well going straight from there to the volunteering in the home for the elderly today. I have asked her if we can change back to a Monday.

When I arrived at the home for the elderly things didn't go so well, so I was there for only 15 minutes before I decided to go home.

I have spent some time in the garden walking around aimlessly then sitting to watch the birds. I sawed off some dead branches from bushes then sat outside and read for a while.

Having trouble getting interested in anything, at least I feel a bit more settled, sort of.

Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day emotionally!

Cheers from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello Mrs Dools..

I hope you are okay...It’s hard to go from psych visit to work..too much circling our brain trying to process the visit...It’s okay you had to go home..I have left my volunteer work several times when I’m all ready and down...The important thing is to care for you dear lady...l

When I’m down Deebi usually lets me select me a letter of the alphabet to make as many positives words and how they make me feel...it really does work dear Mrs Dools..only if you want to no pressure sweetie..what letter will you pick...It’s your choice if you want to share on here no pressure...

I have no power today due to a power outage, from 9am to 4pm...they are putting up a new pole and trimming trees..my gum tree being one of them...I sat outside this morning after seeing many king parrots sitting and beeping in the gum tree..there were cockatoos as well..I added seed to my bird feeder..before I moved away down came the king parrots...Awe poor king parrots were feeding until the cockatoos came down from the gumbtree to feed..then they flew back up to the tree...Then I named all the birds that were hanging around..that’s another good distraction I like to do..and I feel pleasure from knowing I have fed them...

I sense you also love birds and your garden...I hope they brought you some peace today...Hard work sawing of branches of bushes.very scratchy work....well done..

Beasty doesn’t want us to be interested in anything except what it’s telling our mind..We have to try to counter react to those thoughts by doing so it Choof s beasty away for a while and we get stronger..

Its hard finding something to interest us...I really hope you do precious lady...Have you tried the new 3D diamond painting...it takes a lot of concerntration and looks beautiful even as your doing it...One day I’ll see mine finished😂..

Sorry Mrs Dools I’m not much help for you..Just rambling on to distract me and I suppose by reading my words.lit will give you a few minutes distraction...

Please dear Mrs Dool...take really good care of you, be gentle and kind to you and talk to yourself as you would talk to us here on BB...Your a beautiful lady with a heart of gold that we all love...and care about so much...

Sending you some love and some warm caring hugs..💜🤗🤗..l hope the hugs helps you darling..to let you know that your cared for..💜..

Grandy..