Depressed Husband is affecting the children

[Redhuta]

First time poster and actually the first time in 14 years I am speaking about this openly instead of pleading with my husband to work on his depression or speaking to my physiologist.

I have lived with my husband for 14.5 years and his depression was evident to me 1 year into our marriage. Its been a compromise and in the early years when we were having kids I suppose they were a distraction.

Now that the girls are 14 and 9 they are so much more aware of the way their dad treats their mum. We go through cycles and we are currently going through another one where his stupid dr allowed him to decrease his medication. When he told me a few months ago I knew I was in for hell again.

He sleeps a lot, and likes his 2-3 drinks every night. I think they are an issue however he does not think so. His “short fuse” has always been directed to me however over the last year he also lashes out to strangers like when he drives if someone cuts in. He even had a huge lash out at a football game which is awful as I think one day he will choose the wrong person and he will get attacked.

The other night he lost it over the most ridiculous thing and swore at me again in front of my 9 year old. She blamed herself and he said he need to leave. I agree we have reached the point of no return. He finds it hard to talk so he emailed me totally accepting blame and how as he says he is “out of control”. I am very resentful and I have lived a sexless, affectionless life and feel I deserve better. Sad thing is I am the most optimistic, upbeat,friendly and social person and he has made me become this person who hides his “secret”. I feel liberated even writing this. I am so hurt he has never tried to fully help himself. I gave up asking him to get help because the minute I would say anything he would criticise me and point out my faults and I just could not take it anymore. We are living together in silence till he finds a place to moving too. Just reading in here helps e realise I am not alone.

[Redhuta]

Thank all

He just came and took our 9 year old for the night as he is taking her to swimming and tennis classes tomorrow. He picked up more stuff and I go from feeling empathy to now feeling so angry at him. He comes in as if nothing and gets his stuff, our daughter and off he goes. He is taking our eldest out on Sunday to the movies and I feel totally guttered that he makes an effort for them but almost ignores me. I told my family today and they are furious! I knew they would be however they have been abroad and I did not want to ruin their holiday. I know my family will be a wonderful support both emotionally and financially however I suppose they give me the reality check I also need. I have been through a lot during our marriage health wise. I feel like I am on a roller coaster up then down at the moment.

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

I guess that your feelings swinging like that is to be expected. You have been hurt -a lot. You don't get over that sort of thing either quickly or easily.

The fact he is making an effort for the kids at the moment is a big plus, even if it does highlight his treatment of you.

I'm very pleased you expect your family to be behind you, emotionally and financially, this makes things an awful lot easier.

As for a reality check, perhaps more time needs to pass first.

Croix

[Ritchie_31]

Thank you Doolhof,

Sorry that I didn't respond sooner, thank you for the advice. My husband was started on medication three weeks ago and over the last few days has been more positive. With less stress I thought I would feel better however I am having bad anxiety, trying to get on top of physical symptoms, my son has been getting support through eheadspace. The problem I have is I work as a mental health nurse and find it difficult to seek help. When my husband was in hospital there was a few issues regarding his care and I complained in writing however I was unaware that my friend who worked in another ward had been involved in my husbands transfer to a transition ward being blocked so now none of my friends have been in contact.

My husband has started to go to the gym and we have started walking and spending more time together.

[Redhuta]

Saw my physiologist and because he knows the story (been seeing him for 3 years) he really did give me the reality check I needed. My husband has attachment issues due to his traumatic childhood. Its not an easy issue to treat. He made me see how the texts,emails are actually him working my guilt which is actually what I find the hardest to deal. I am going to step back and not try and reassure him to make him feel better at my expense.

My husband is a narcissist and maybe finally being away from me he can see what he has done to me over the years.

[Croix]

Dear Redhuta~

I'm very glad your physiologist was able to point out all that behavior had been designed to push your buttons. That can be hard to realize and harder still to accept. Even if your husband did consciously not plan it all out it is still abuse.

To be manipulated by the one you love is heart-breaking.

I guess in the circumstances stepping back is the only course there is. Are you able to draw on your family for support as you mentioned before?

Croix

[ElisaP]

Hi Redhuta,

This is not an easy situation. I get the feeling that you are doing the right thing listening to yourself. Whatever happens, it could even benefit your spouse that you take this stand. Better than letting him spiral downwards.

One thing I could suggest, other than maybe getting a counselor to talk to if you needed that, is to write a journal about how you are feeling and what is going on. You can even do this on line anonymously -that way no one can ever 'find' your diary. ...I also read somewhere that writing in the 3rd person can help a lot with giving perspective to personal situations.

All the best, for you, your family and also your husband.

[ElisaP]

Hi again Redhuta,

I read more of your replies and if you have not already done this, you could look up "Codependency" and read about it. Even look at youtube videos like ones by Ross Rosenberg and there is another whose name I forget but I bought her book "Codependent -Now What?" was the title. There are a few other insightful youtube videos as well on manipulative/narcissistic relationships.

There is even Codependents Anonymous groups if you are interested. These are run in most Australian states and occur weekly. They have like a 12 step program to help people out of dysfunctional relationships/relationship patterns. You may not need this, but you might benefit. You can just go along and check it out first if you want.

[Redhuta]

Thanks Croix and ElisaP,

Thankfully I do have a wonderful support network of friends and family. This is actually the first time everyone is aware of the situation which is making both my husband and I accountable.

If we did not have children I would implement a “no contact” however this is not possible. I will read up more however as I have expressed I struggle with guilt and this is exactly what my codependency causes. I totally agree that because I have enabled my husband not to fully address his issues due to this.

I am just going to focus on my children, work and get through this festive season as best I can.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ritchie,

I'm wondering if you might like to start your own thread so more people will see your story, if not that is okay, we can catch up here. It can be a little daunting when you first join the forum to know quite how to go about things.

It is wonderful your husband is starting to feel a bit better and your son is able to access assistance as well. I do hope you are bale to find the assistance you need for yourself. Would it be beneficial for you to use the phone help line here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline just to chat with someone?

Sorry to read that your husband's situation and your friendships may have been compromised by actions that happened at work. That must be a tricky situation.

I can relate to that is a small way. I live in a rural area. A friend of ours works for the mental health team I need to deal with for assistance. I was horrified to discover she is the secretary for the psychiatrist I was appointed. Hence I did not say everything I needed to gain help as I did not want her reading my report.

Are you able to talk to your friend at work regarding her decisions? Is there someone further up who could mediate for you both? Trying to resolve this, even if it is difficult will certainly help you all in the end. Not easy, but it will be beneficial.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Redhuta,

I congratulate you on your decisiona nd effort to move on from what has happened and what will continue to happen until things are resolved one way or another.

It is important to look after yourself in all of this and the children as well.

You are very fortunate if you have supportive family and friends, that can be half the battle won as well. If people understand and are willing to offer assistance, that can be so beneficial.

Guilt and shame can be dealt with over time and released as well. I have been working on this myself over the year. I accept the feelings of guilt that I have and have learnt to realise that at the time, there was no other way I could deal with the issues I was struggling with.

Now I can change. I can move on. I will not forget, that is impossible, but I can go forward.

Cheers from Dools