Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Yes Melbourne was very cold. I met with the family down there including my eldest son and partner. Sunday BBQ was great. I really enjoy having meals prepared for me and NO washing up. I was however very ready to come back to home comforts and a lovely caring GP practice. Feeling much better so I expect I will be back to my usual routine next week.

Now tell me Mouse, when you moan and groan about the effort of doing 'stuff', especially when directed by your lady of the couch, how much is put on to make me feel sorry for you? 😊 Come on now, 'fess up. You have been doing great things lately and you are now far more comfortable at home with your lovely wife. Meditation should be a cakewalk after that.

I see you are spreading your wisdom to other threads on the forum. Great stuff. I have always found helping others is such a great help to me and I learn so much. Hang on, does that mean I am only doing this for me? Better go and have a reality check.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello dear Mary,

Melbourne sounds like it was a wonderful break, oh I hear you regarding no washing up!! Home is home all right, no place like it. I'm pleased to hear (read?) and a lovely caring GP practice. That is awesome, I'm so pleased for you and clearly you deserve it.

Feeling sorry for myself. Good question Mary, you do have a point about my ongoing search for sympathy or compassion. (That is how the lady of the couch described it once.) I'm better at giving compassion than receiving, or not being honest enough with people to open the way for compassion (her words again). I'm much better at building a happy face and hiding behind a facade of shame (she of the couch again). I have burnt some serious therapy time on that. I've been strangely more open on BB and really appreciate the way people are here. I don't feel that would happen in the real world.

There is always more of course, in 2500 characters there are limits to how much soul can be poured out. Then there is the challenge, having the courage to rip off the scabs and expose one's self. (getting all philosophical aren't I). Oh my.

I tend to hide how much of a struggle every day is, some days are diamonds but too many days are lumps of dark smelly stuff. Appologies to John Denver. I'm staggered by how many challenges keep presenting themselves, and I try to focus on the positive clinging to each morsel of light. OMG where do I pull this crap from?

The reality is home life was going well up until Christmas, the most evil time of the year when family to dredge up old carcasses and attack old wounds to make them bleed again. I'm not a fan of Christmas, It has rarely been a positive experience. Yes that is eight months ago, and while my wife and I have drifted apart, then together and then apart and together we are still holding true to our promises. It is more a case that a truly staggering series of unfortunate events has bashed us up and just dealing with the day to day drain of that has meant that we have little bandwidth and time for us. Our financial issues have meant that it is months since we could afford to go to the couch, we are not bad, just overwhelmed and distracted is probably the best way to put it.

Life is just challenging. Trying hard to be mindful, working very hard to keep going in a positive manner. Sorry if I whinge a bit.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Mouse

I had not realised you were in such a parlous situation and I am so sad to hear it. However, it seems you have remembered many of the pearls of wisdom from the lady couch and that is great. Putting them into action of course is another matter but I hope you will try.

So much for feeling better next week. My GP gave me different antibiotics which seemed initially to work well. Not so sure today as I feel very much like your lumps of dark smelly stuff. GP appointment in the morning and maybe I will have a miraculous cure overnight. Not holding my breath though.

I come across your posts occasionally and I think you do help others. Keep it up. It is satisfying to know you have helped someone, somewhere. Keep it up. Just think of the wealth of material gained from the couch and stored for the future.

Not stopping long. I really feel very unwell but wanted to catch up with a couple of people and I saw your post.

Mary