Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

Despite the things in your life not going as well as you would hope, I wish you a happy new year. I wondered if you were coming back to BB as silence could well mean you felt you were back in the driving seat and prospering. For whatever reason I have had several weeks of being miserable. No particular reason, simply a plethora of small or smallish events leading to sadness, anger, irritation and a strong desire to jump into my car and drive away. No idea where I would go so I expect I will stay here.

Brisbane is sweltering in the heat and I am so thankful I installed air conditioning when I was working. What am I saying? I am still working, just not getting paid. Another granddaughter's birthday (7) on Sunday and party. It's my birthday next week so I asked my granddaughter if we could have a combined party. She turned me down!!! I thought it would be a great excuse for eating cake. Wait until she gets as old as me and her granddaughter refuses to share the glory. That'll larn her. 😊 I am making her some dresses as she has grown out of most of her clothes apparently.

My son in Melbourne sent me a Swarovski figurine for Christmas. It is a lovely mouse, almost identical to you, well at least your avatar. I was touched he remembered I collect Swarovski figures, or at least did before I retired.

Lady couch on leave, something about children and holidays. My GP is going away in a few weeks also. I feel quite deserted. Fortunately I do have other people I can whinge to. While I believe the greater part of me is OK, there are still times when I become very unhappy. No rhyme or reason.

Have you been watching Star Trek on TV? The Next Generation and Voyager.. When I am OK I can watch, but if I am going downhill I often find the plots trigger so much anxiety and sadness in me. It's surprising.

Take great care of yourself Mouse.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Thank you, I wish you well for 2017 also. Isn't it amazing to say 2017 and know your in it? OMG!! Three more New Years eve's and it will be 2020 ... I expected mankind to be living on the Moon, Mars, and at least a couple of asteroids ... come on!!!

Things have improved significantly, but I keep learning about myself and finding flaws, chasms, seriously amazing defects. My naivety continues to shock me. About being in the drivers seat, I've visited it but am a long way from feeling strapped it as yet. So here I am. I have been reading a bit of the threads, I continue to me shocked and saddened easily. Your going to remind me about that sensitive book right, it is on my list.

I'm so sorry to hear that your last few weeks have been bumpy too, it is those small triggers than dig in like fish hooks and barbs and are so painful to deal with isn't it. Are you supposed to scab up and develop thick skin? Does not seem to happen though.

Oh I envy your air conditioning, we got ours replaced on Friday and oh brother is it a god send. Now working on clearing a month of sleep debt.

Hmmm family, yes they are a challenge. I don't think most of them are going to learn anything though, I've become resigned to that.

The Swarovski figurines are amazing, nice to know you have a mouse. I have a real one, my wife and I were sitting having a coffee/Tea and chat and one literally knocked on the window and tried his or her best "I'm cute let me it" act. Ok, we probably have a "softies inside" sign out front someplace.

I'm very attached to a recent morning ritual where wife and I start the day with an early breakfast and coffee/tea (me coffee, lady tea). It has been one of the best things for us.

I hope your GP and couch come back soon, it is reassuring knowing they are there. As far as TV goes, I have seen very little of it. In fact I rarely watch TV these days, the programming and content has failed to impress for many years.

Take care of yourself also lovely lady, I'll try to pop by every few days. 🙂

The Mouse

[Doolhof]

Hi Mouse,

I love your story of the mouse knocking at the window wanting to come inside. That is so cute. I like your picture as well.

As a child I had some pet mice, I don't know how the family ever put up with them. They stink! Maybe even as a kid my nose was blocked up! It is only a good day that I can smell if a mouse has been around the place.

Anyway, just dropped in to say goodaye and hope you are doing okay.

Cheers form Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse and Mrs D.

Nice to see you here Bev. Yes I liked the picture of the mouse tapping on the window. I used to have a peewee trying to kill himself by flying into my sliding glass door. I understand he was trying to attack his rival. Bird used to walk along the step scolding himself in the reflection. Occasionally he would fly in and dive at the window. Either he has given up or has died as I haven't seen him for a while. Or maybe he cannot see the reflection since I had double glazed windows put in.

Of course I am reminding you about Sensitive. I have just read Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. I found it fascinating. He is a Jewish psychiatrist caught up in the holocaust and sent to Auschwitz, then other camps. His story is not so much about the horrors he endured but about why people survive times like this. He says, in essence, that the more spiritual a man is, the more resources he has, Spiritual as in inner life, not necessarily religion. From this developed and new psychological process he called Logotherapy. Don't ask for an explanation because I don't really understand it. I do agree with his theory of man being more than the sum of his parts even if I don't get his psychology.

So pleased to hear you feel you are making progress. Is your lady of the couch happy? Hang on, weren't you going to therapy with your wife, or at least on some occasions? Could this be the birth of your new life? Your new morning ritual sounds great. I also start the day with a pot of tea, although it's coffee for the rest of the day.

About being in the drivers seat, I've visited it but am a long way from feeling strapped it as yet. Still on your 'L' plates then. I think we will be learning about ourselves and others until the day we die. It's the journey, not the destination. To return to Sensitive, I discussed this with my GP and commented that I needed a thicker skin. Her reply, "No no. A thicker skin means you don't notice anything. Being sensitive means you notice and must learn to manage it". Hmm! I think she's right though and I do prefer being noticing than oblivious.

I'm bumpy because everything re HIM is still up in the air. I keep getting unexpected reminders which triggers a whole host of pain and distress. But I am getting there. My GP says she expected this would happen and to remember I got through it before and will do so again. And in truth, each time is not quite as bad as before. Keep practising your driving skills.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

Thanks yes, improving each day. That mouse was cute and hilarious, not what you expect on your window sill.

Hi Mary,

I had to google peewee but recognise them instantly, isn't it funny how birds (and humans) get funny ideas and behaviour in their wee heads. I wonder. Mind you I wonder about a lot but don't seem to come to a useful conclusion.

I'll keep Sensitive on my list, but I really don't think I'm up to searching for the meaning of life the universe and everything. Didn't Douglas Adams say the answer was 42?

Points on your memory, yes my lovely wife and I are going to the couch together now and working together, growing and learning together. It feels really good. I would dearly love to go back and beat some understanding into my teenage or 20-something self. I certainly deserve it.

I understand about lack of understanding, you are communicating with Captain Oblivious by the way. I have references.

Sorry to hear about "him" (It does not sound to me like he deserves capitals) and good luck with your driving lessons and practice around "him". Please don't be tempted to turn "him" into a speed hump, I've heard the Police lack a sense of humour where that sort of thing is concerned.

All the best ladies.

[White_Rose]

Thanks for the advice about him. Good idea to make him italic rather than normal. I always knew there was a place for italics. Another court appearance next Wednesday, 25th. I'm not driving around him because he has been warned not to approach me in any way, but thanks for the hint about the speed bump, I had not thought of this.

Are you really Captain Oblivious? You told me all those folk with sad stories came to you. Can't be that oblivious. Did I make a comment about the universe and all that? I was telling you about the book, which is not looking for the meaning of life, though as you say, Douglas Adams has already found it. I felt it paired nicely with Sensitive. Both are looking at inner resources, their effect on their lives and on others. I'm sure Sensitive does that also.

So pleased you and your wife are at last working together. You have no idea how happy that made me. General rejoicing all round. No need to go back to teach yourself a lesson. You can do it perfectly well from where you are by growing and learning together. The past has gone so look forward all the time.

Just got back from my Wednesday volunteer job to the welcome cool of my home. A difficult morning for various reasons but we got through it. Now home (obviously), in the cool and about to finish sewing my granddaughter another dress shortly. It's these sort of activities that helps to get me back on track and keep me there.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry but I'm really busy and time poor (and exhausted) at the moment, this year has been bat ... crazy. Words fail me on that.

I'm glad your thinking in lower case italics, I hope I didn't give you an idea that makes me an accessory to a ... um, educational event. .

Oh yes I am Captain Oblivious, I need to get the costume made (then spend 6 months full time in a gym to get the body to fit it). Just because the trail to my door gets worn from time to time does not mean I have any clue what is doing on. The frequency and enormity of the face palm moments I've had in the last six months in particular ... OMG. I'm trying to be less of a dummy, but its hard going. A lot of face meets palm.

I connected to Mr Adams following your book reference Man's Search for Meaning. And I presume Woman's Search for Meaning?. Life, the universe and everything ...

I guess your court appearance is tomorrow, so I wanted to wish you all the best and hope the journey is a simple, quick, easy one.

Have to run. All the very best and a happy Oz day.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Thank you for your good wishes re the court appearance. I don't know what happened. The policeman sent me an email saying he didn't know, lack of information because of Australia Day and would let me know when he returns on Wednesday. So still in the dark. He is still going to hearings. Could go on for another few months before he enters a plea. Meanwhile I am trying to learn patience, not one of my better skills.

Man's Search for Meaning was written by Viktor Frankl. Douglas was not involved, at least not in this book which was written before Hitch Hikers Guide.

I have been asked to take on another volunteer role. Very flattering but it would make me very busy, or should I say even busier. GP not excited and when I explained the logistics to the folk that made the offer they said they would hang back for a while and see how things went.

You sound very busy and involved. Is this making your life better in some way? Lady couch returned and I saw her today and will see her again on Monday. Very short turn around time. GP leaves on Friday for two months.

I am falling asleep over this post so I feel my bed is calling. Look after yourself my dear Mouse.

Mary

[1113]

Hi The mouse,

We haven't formally meet yet but it would be my honour to get to know you better.

Peac3

Matt

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Your first paragraph reminds me of a poster I once saw. A man on his knees praying in front of a baseball bat, with an encyclopedia salesman in the background in full sales mode. The caption "Oh God please send me patience, but make it fast". Or the one of the two bussards sting on a branch out in the desert, a small flook of sheep in the background. One bussard says to the other "patience be dammed, I'm going to kill something". Oh well.

Yes, busy, flat out. Not sure if its making my life better, but its making me sleep better. Exhaustion does that. Just saw my GP and on the couch with my good lady in a few days. Your GP off for two months eh? makes you wish you went to medical school maybe. Don't think I could deal with sick people all day though. I think they deserve it when all is said and done.

Sounds like your in a similar boat? Take care lovely lady.