Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Dear Mary,

Take your time, all things in their own time, make it your time. I feel for you for the pain your going through and sincerely hope you are feeling better. Those deep wounds do hurt us to the core. Since we both like quotes, of course I have one. It's on my wall and in my notebook.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt. Not quite on the button, but I think in the ballpark. From what you are saying sounds to me like those silly people don't subscribe to Mr Burke or the good Dr. Small thinkers.

You do have to remember that half the world is below average. I did a year at Uni in maths and stats to figure that out, its mine but you can have it of course.

So you ripped up the couch a bit?, maybe left some spittle on it? Good on you. It must have been your turn. I'm sure it will all hose off and your phsyico will get over it. They don't seem to be thin skinned as a rule. Sometimes you just have to have a good dummy spit, tear things up a bit, leave stain on the walls and ceiling, sometimes you just have to have a darn good whinge. Its being human, I'm pretty sure its in the manual someplace at the back. Well done, you got it out.

OMG don't people who think they know everything really annoy those of us who do? Ahh having to deal with mental midgets is so tiresome.

And isn't it hard to soar with the eagles when your surrounded by turkeys? However that really does not apply to the Australian bush turkey, those suckers can fly and get serous air. Its a shock when you see it.

Anyway, I've crammed in as many one-liners and smartarse comments I can think of that are relevant. I hope you are now getting to the point of Those who mind don't matter ...

Take very good care smart, lovely caring lady.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Mouse

How I love your wonderful and caring message. I had a bad time last night but fortunately I have friends who I can phone to get help and comfort. Had some wonderful suggestions on how to get through this time. It's been a long time since I felt this way.

I can relate to your tight chest as mine feels as though I can hardly breathe. And it hurts. How does emotional pain become physical pain? I don't know the mechanism, I just know it happens.

I'm not expecting any computer people this morning so I feel safe to sit at the computer in my dressing gown. Must shower and dress soon as I am going to a new church this morning. Testing the waters. I have compiled a list things to do when I return so that I don't brood.

Oh Mouse, I do so want to rip and tear, scream and shout. I really thought most of this was behind me. I suppose it was wishful thinking. Time to get dressed and affix the mask.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Lovely lady I hope this pothole in your journey gets filled in and resurfaced soon. It is so nice to hear you have friends helping, you deserve the best of help.

I have a long track record of depression causing very real physical symptoms, damage and pain. Yes indeed it gets very real. Don't ask me how, its been explained to me before but I'm not medically inclinded. I hope your feeling better.

Goals are effective all right, they work a lot of the time for me too. I write a list and it becomes my instructions and I just do it most of the time.

I know people seem to often feel as you do, and need to go let off steam. I'm afraid I am not one of them, I have never been able to. I'm a bit over being told I should be able to actually. So sorry, I can't help you out with that or how to. But I've seen enough people do it for fun or therapy, so I guess its one of those whatever floats your boat kind of things. I remain sympathetic and perplexed.

I really hope church was good, and you found bigger minds that the other one.

Be well, be safe and be awesome. ie. Be yourself.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

I can always rely on you to provide a pithy description. This pothole in your journey gets filled in and resurfaced soon. Well it is certainly that. But after several days of feeling terrible I am gradually getting back to normal, whatever that is. Screaming and other things are what I would like to do but never have. I think I lack the necessary voice and courage. It's a convenient way of describing how I feel.

My return to a civilized life is due to the people here on BB, that's you Mr Mouse, and several other friends. And yes, Those who mind...

I think having the day basically on my own was a good thing. I went to church and enjoyed the service. It felt good. A bit different to the one I am used to but that doesn't matter. I did some work on my scrapbooks which was gently and peaceful. Listened to my music, always good for the soul and had a nanna nap. Haven't had one of those for a long time. Must have been really tired.

I think I need to let off steam but when push comes to shove all I do is cry. So ignominious. But I have survived and live to fight on. Trouble is I don't really want to fight either. Just want a peaceful life. Tomorrow, no today, I will be at a day long workshop. I'm told we get fed so no need to pack my sandwiches. Usually this means lots of sugary stuff for morning and afternoon tea. And I will probably indulge. Sigh. Where is my self control when I need it.

No brilliant quotes today or D&Ms (deep and meaningful) comments. Just too tired to think. Thank you for your support.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry for the delay, was having an issue or two the the forum. Having an issue or two with everything actually!!

I'm glad you are better. I would not strive for normal, I think "normal" is highly over rated. I equate normal and average, and I am sure you are way above average and a sensitive caring person. I had a long couch session regarding sensitivity myself. I'm reliably told it is a good quality. Not for a man I think, we differ on that point.

I am honored to be included in the BB list of the civilised, you have no idea how much I really appreciate that at the moment. Thank you.

So nice to hear you had a good day, I hope they continue.

I'm a bit short on energy myself, got my own pot holes making the ride difficult, but that is the journey of life huh. I do so hate it when you have a trigger and find yourself falling into the hole. It is a black hole sucking your energy and leaving you so empty.

A good cry is good therapy, not so acceptable for a man so comes with its own guilt and shame issues.

Thinking of you and sending good karma, so take care and catch up again soon.

[White_Rose]

Hello dear Mouse.

So sad you are having problems and falling into your potholes. Yes it can feel like a black hole where not even light escapes. Clearly I have been watching too many science docos on TV.

Ah yes, issues with BB. Apparently there was a big problem over the weekend. Every time I tried to post I got redirected elsewhere. All fixed now.

When my daughter miscarried I held her in my arms when she cried. I also saw my husband hold my son in law in his arms when SIL cried. Now that is a picture I will treasure because I never thought to see my ex in such a role. He's very much of the "men don't cry" school. So if he can offer comfort and my SIL can cry I reckon other men can cry also. Guilt and shame are man made constructs (is that a tautology?).

Yes I am beginning to get over my whatever it was. I was so amazed at being upset over an event that happened several years ago and can only conclude I was not over it. Dreadful weekend and then I went to a workshop all day Monday. Not the best therapy but I attended and participated which I feel was a win. Tuesday was spent at one of my volunteer jobs and I am going to the second one this morning. I believe being with other people is so important. But we have had this conversation and I know it doesn't work for you.

I know gender roles are important to you but I want to suggest a different perspective. Recently my couch told me that there is a gene for sensitivity that goes with a predisposition towards depression. Because we have our antennae tuned to other people cares and woes we are more likely to be overwhelmed by our own difficulties. This applies to men and women. It's hard-wired into our personal systems. You can relate to others in a similar position to yourself both because you have been there and because you have this gene, which has, in effect, sent you on this journey. Bit of a catch 22 situation.

In other words you almost have no choice in empathising with others because of this gene. And you have little choice in becoming depressed, although this is not a hard and fast thing. Both attributes result in tears so where is the shame? Having got that off my chest I will stop preaching.

Anyway I must stop chatting and dress just in case any visitors arrive, although I am not expecting anyone, unless the computer guy makes an unscheduled visit.

Please cry, even in private, because it really is good for you. And I want to know you have to heal.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

tautology? you are making me google words again. Reading your posts is like reading the Readers Digest page "Enrich your word power" at least I think that was what it was called. So sad to hear about your daughter and SIL, that is very hard. Been there too, but a long time ago. We then did IVF for some time and gave up and relaxed, then a year later we had a lovely daughter... go figure.

I am very pleased to hear you are turning onto a pothole free street. I hope your sailing is smooth for as long as possible.

I'm trying to figure out your comment "I know gender roles are important to you", can you explain please? I'm sorry but misunderstand so much, I grasp at any information I can get. People are an area I am incredibly dumb, I missed all the classes growing up.

I feel at times I'm gender confused at best, please don't take offense, but many times I wish I was gay so I don't have to deal with being attracted to women. Heck, I typed it. The amount of my life that has been messed up by my inability to deal with women is crazy, and a constant source of depression. It does seem at times like that a large part of the female gender is on a program to mess with my head and make my life as rubbish as possible. I know that can't be true, that 99.9999% don't even know or care that I exist. Doesn't help.

I know I need to work on my self talk, right now I dredging through years of failure based on an incident the other day that triggered the nose dive into the pot hole. Right now the edges are out of reach and the black hole is sucking down all energy, yes too many science doco's for me to. Tap dancing on the event horizon does wear one out.

Our couches must be on the same newsletter mailing list, I got the sensitivity gene therapy message too. Then a long painful discussion and the label "Complex and emotional" got stuck on my forehead. Not that I don't deserve it, it is clearly accurate. I'd give anything to be whatever the opposite is. It does seem I have little choice, and am trapped on this treadmill. No matter how fast I spin the wheel I won't get the cheese, that does seem certain.

I am creating wet spots in my car, the carpet is getting soggy since its the only way I get to have a good quiet moment. Does not seem good for me though.

Hope your visits were all safe and scheduled, and welcome of course.

[White_Rose]

Hello my dear Mouse

My days seem to be so filled up with 'stuff' that I cannot get to my computer very often. I think I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The last line in my above post should read, And I want to know you have started to heal. Just so you know I can think straight even if I can't write coherently.

Did I really send you to Mr Google again? Sorry about that but pleased I am adding to your vocabulary. It Pays To Increase Your Word Power. Wow! I didn't think I was that good. Used to read RD but now only read the freebies in doctor's waiting rooms. You did not answer my query. Was it a tautology?

I'm trying to figure out your comment "I know gender roles are important to you" Sorry if I offended or upset you. Hang on a minute, did we both use the 'S' or 'A' words? Well so much for binding contracts. What I meant was you seem to have fixed ideas about what is appropriate behaviour for men and women. One them being that men don't cry. My point via my daughter, SIL and ex was that real men can cry. I must admit I was a bit worried that I had not explained myself properly but I also knew you would ask me if you were unsure of my meaning. Aren't I just a clever little Vegemite? 😊

Remember the poem I sent you, Autobiography in Five Chapters? This is where I start to get out of my hole.

My daughter and husband had several goes with IVF and then daughter became pregnant. She was so unbelievably happy and then miscarried at 19 weeks. They decided to go for one more try and now have a lovely six year old daughter. But yes, this will always be a sadness in their lives and for all the family.

I have never taken offence at anything you have written here Mouse. You are far to caring to be able to do that. Not sure exactly what is difficult about your relationships with women. I get on fine with them. 😊 Now if you are talking about relationships with men I can see the difficulty straight away. I have a great fear of men in my life. So many things have gone wrong because of the males in my life. And that was the cause of losing the plot last week.

I need to go out for one last time tonight before I fall into my bed. Please look after yourself and take the advice I give myself. Stop being afraid of the opposite gender. 😊

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry but it seems everything feels like it unreeling right now, I wish I knew why that happens and how to stop it. There is probably some of my own advice going to come to haunt me, and why is it so much easier to help others that yourself? .

Yes I have been inundated with stuff, it mostly does not smell pleasant. I must answer your questions, I owe you that I know. And yes I have been violating the "S" "A" word pact. I'm S ... about that . Started to heal? no not yet, still going down. Its like I wore my favorite woolen jumper and climbed off the bus, thread caught in the door, bus took off, ripped jumper to a long thread and I'm standing there stupid and cold.

Indeed you sent me to google, again. I don't feel qualified to make a ruling on tautology. I'll have to go to the Dr and check out their RD collection from the 1970's.

You didn't upset me, more confuse me which is not hard at all. You are a clever little Vegemite and I hope you are also a happy little Vegemite. I struggle with how men and women are supposed to behave. When it comes to interpersonal skills I am as dumb as dog shit. On the couch we have spend hours churning over the why and the how. Not having a father most of my life, then finding the useless gerk and working out what a nasty piece of work he was has coloured my opinions. No male roles models until my early twenties was likely a factor there.

I'll go look for the poem, sorry it has gone down the rabbit hole along with my presence of mind.

Thank you for not taking offense, I wonder at what comes out my mouth at times. Oh I know, its the mess in my head falling out.

I'm glad you get on with women, thank for the smile I got from that paragraph. I can so relate to it from the other side(?) where so much of the pain and hurt in my life came from women, or was caused by women. As much as I long for a relationship the reality of it terrifies me. Yes, my downfall was triggered by two women, one after the other. That fear is not going away any time soon. I think in the last few days I have managed to churn through every single bad experience, bad decision, hurt and loss from the time I was evicted from the womb to my stupidity of the last few days. I seem to have an incredible capacity to react the wrong way, misinterpret and basically screw up interactions. Fear is after all designed to protect you and keep you alive.

Be safe well and happy lovely lady, sorry I'm poor company.

[White_Rose]

Oh my poor Mouse. I can feel your hurt and confusion and I wish I could take it away for you. I think we are both experiencing the same hurt but from different sides of the gender fence. And it definitely stinks, the hurt I mean, not the fence.

I have six strong women in my life, and all of them will help me when I need it and or tell me to stand on my own feet when I need that. These women have only come into my life in the past couple of years, except one, my GP, who has been there forever it feels. And now I have an addition to the family in the person of the psychiatrist. How lucky can one girl get?

I have to admit I am as much crushed by the breakdown or falling over, or whatever of the past week, as by the reason. I really thought I was moving forward until that thing came out of left field. Anyway, I will talk with the couch next week and will hopefully make a plan to move slowly forward. I have realised I cannot just jump into recovery mode and stay there. My GP is also looking after me and talking to the psych, although I'm not certain they tell me everything they discuss. Help my paranoia is showing.

You have no idea how funny I find it to refer to the psych as the couch. I really would like your kind of brain to think up these things. I, alas, am only a follower of great inspirations. I suppose this is why I enjoy quotes so much. Tap dancing on the event horizon. Love it.

Complex and emotional. Sounds rather distinguished. Surely you don't really want Simple and cold? Swirl your cloak around you and become The Mouse with the Lion Heart. I rather fancy that title. See if you can find a better one. No put-downs though. All on the positive side.

Mary