Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Please take care of yourself, feed your body. Don't be naughty!! If I don't eat I stop, mumble, and fall on my face (its happened). You must be kind to yourself, you are wonderful.

I would like a place to feel I belong, I get the feeling you had something more specific in mind?

I think the two weeks of holiday were a traffic holiday, the little darlings should be made to walk, bus, bike or train like we had to eh? then look how much better traffic would be if the little princes and princesses were not chauffeured to school. Sigh.

My couch visit got cancelled due to flu, going to have to postpone my mid life crisis. Which reminds me, must google it and find out what is required.

Back to my hole, feel the need to be hiding at the moment. Must be cats about.

Be fed and be well.

[White_Rose]

Mouse, you are such a darling. Thank you for your concern. I do eat, probably too much and always the wrong thing but I am trying to mend my ways. If I am not hungry, which is not often, I go with the flow and don't eat. I am really trying to lose weight to keep my doctor happy. Plus I know I would feel better and have fewer complementary problems. Sigh. But I have lost about 6kg. Yeeaaay!

Sorry your couch got cancelled. Really these people could become unwell at more convenient times. This is where I want to put a smiley face but have never managed it.

A Place To Belong (APTB) is where I volunteer once a week. I help people to learn reading and writing skills, talk about their ambitions and generally help them to be as much part of the community as possible. I thought I had told you about it. Maybe I need a place to belong, in a home for dementia patients.

Tut, tut, such a cynical attitude towards the next generation. Remember they will be paying your pension soon, which is a frightening thought. School holidays are over and the traffic is back to its usual crawl. Another reason for fewer cars in the holiday is because parents have taken your darlings on holiday and left us in peace and quiet.

You sound a bit upset and I am guessing it's the cancelled couch. When this has happened to me I get very upset and emotional for a few hours. It feels like being offered a treat and then it's taken away. When is your next couch?

While you are googling your mid life crisis you can also google A Place To Belong. It's at the West End. No cats there, but my neighbours two cats are frequently in my garden stalking the birds.

Must fly. Need to see someone. Just had a healthy and nourishing lunch, fish fingers and salad.

Mary

[White_Rose]

I just decided I needed to crow. I am up early and writing on BB. Beat da Mouse.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

Oh brother, I've been out posted!! You are relentless. I bow to your superior time management Mary.

Now about skipping meals, you know that its all about balance don't you. If you start skipping meals then your body will retain fat harder because it does not know when you will indulge it next. Because you haven't got it into a rhythm. I had many sessions with some very scary dietician/nutritionist people. They all seemed to be very intense, intimidating, focused and harsh fit people.

Good grief, you picked sadness out of that?!?! Wow you are good, yes I'm a wee bit low at the moment for many reasons, the couch is just one but you have to have the low days don't you. I don't see why but that is what I keep getting told. Your attitude determines your altitude etc ... but then wombats don't get sucked into jet engines do they?

I'll add google to my todo list, I have to crawl. Not up to flying and the airport is not far away so have to watch out for jet engines. 🙂

All the best.

[White_Rose]

Mea culpa, Mouse mea culpa. I promise I will eat regularly from now on. I had two meals cooked for me today. One at my Wednesday morning volunteer place, fish cakes, chips and salad, and again when I got home and grandson was cooking, Chicken Kiev, chips and vegetables. And he did the washing up. How spoiled can you get? Does that meet requirements?

I'm sorry you are feeling down today, although it hasn't stopped you putting the hard word on me. I gave up on dieticians a long time ago. As you say very intense and inflexible. Only met one who agreed we could relax the rules on occasion.

So what are you going to do tomorrow (which may be today when you read this). Is this your couch day? I have one on Friday and I believe it will be the last but one. He is going on holiday and I'm not certain I need anyone these days.

Mouse, what is making you sad these days? Can you talk about it? I know what you have written in the above posts but I was rather hoping you were becoming less distressed about life. What can I do to help? Take care of yourself.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

I'm sorry I was hard on you, my apologies. I was just worried that it sounded like you were not eating right and taking care of yourself. Yes, I an one to talk/type. But it sounds wonderful, you have such well trained grandkids that obviously really care for you. It must be good genes.

Where I'm at is complicated. The couch is unobtainable for now until its owner gets better, dam flu season. Must be Ekka soon, everyone gets flu at Ekka time. Then it gets more complicated, I've also started seeing someone else and yes they know about each other. Had the first session last week, second session next week. Trying to get my biggest issue solved. Not sure what I think at the moment. I need another "journey" like a hole in the head.

There are days I really could just stay in a hole and feel sorry for myself but I drag myself out into the big bad scary world and give my adrenal gland a run for its money. It goes in phases, some days/weeks are good and I find my rose coloured glasses and find some happiness, too many are not so good and I put on my shit coloured glasses and everything looks and smells not so nice. This is one of those times.

I still have more triggers than a gun factory, and they all seem to be hair triggers. Breathing, I have to remember breathing. I tend to forget at times. I'm just full of the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's". I've made such a mess of my life, I've very tired of being stupid and dumb over and over again.

Is it just me, or does being told to "buck up", "cheer up", "snap out of it", and "man up" ("Woman up"??) really have the reverse effect? What is it with that? I need to add that question to my couch list.

I know I perceive the world wrong, and different, and negatively. I know I compare myself too much and feel that I rate lower than the proverbial snakes belly in a wagon rut. I know I am very harsh on myself, but the facts do stack up supporting that conclusion.

Sorry, I'm really not great company right now even on a forum. I'll take a wee break.

Sorry to hear your couch guy is going away, it sounds like you have a great support network though, I envy you that.

All the best.

[White_Rose]

My Very Dear Mouse

Please don't be angry with yourself (or me). I know you were concerned about me. I get a bit flippant when I when I am embarrassed and/or someone cares. I do try to flag that I am joking. Please stay around. It's when you are feeling most down that you need to talk and see how much you are cared for. (Besides, if you don't write who can I pay out on?)😊

When I read you were seeing someone else I gasped and thought, "He's having an affair". Then when you said they know about each other I thought, "Wow, that's clever". Then I realised what you were talking about. I feel I should say it was a bit of a letdown, but it's not. You would not do that and I should have washed my mouth out.😊

So who is this mystery person? Another psychologist? Will you also continue to see your first lady? I hope so as she sounded very good for you. Can I ask what is your biggest issue? Can couch2 answer this for you? What a lot of questions but I am intrigued. You made no mention of this earlier, not that you need to do any such thing. I'm probably far too nosey.

Mouse, we all have good and bad days and weeks. This is depression we are talking about, the Black Dog. Taking it out for a walk is good for both of you. You get the exercise and Black Dog gets some obedience training.

I want to seriously comment on your glasses. I believe we do not put on rose tinted or any other coloured glasses. What we see in the world is what is. When you see happiness or peace, or any other good feelings it is because they are real. You have had a good night's sleep, the talks with the couch are bearing fruit, someone has cared for you, the sun has come out in some fashion. Similarly with the dark tinted specs. It's raining, you had an unpleasant conversation, heard something uncomfortable, an event in your past has surfaced and it's painful etc. These are real events and your reactions are real, not dictated by a filter.

Having said that I will immediately contradict myself and say we do filter our perceptions. Everyone does it all the time. It's how we make decisions and choices. This filter tends to put experiences into the boxes we have made for them. So when you feel good it's because what's happening has been good before. When you feel bad take the memory out and look at it hard. What is it really?

I feel a bit of a fraud writing these comments because I am not a psych of any sort. This has been my experience after lots of coaching. Too many words again.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Breathing is useful I have discovered. Keep on doing it.

I've made such a mess of my life, I've very tired of being stupid and dumb over and over again. Mouse I have not found you dumb or stupid. Please don't put yourself down like this. It worries me so much. I know its the black dog barking at you to distract you from the real you. Being told to "buck up" etc is stupid talk from people who have no sensitivity or manners. You can guarantee they have not lived with any mental illness but are terrified "it may happen to them". These folk are not worth considering.

I know I perceive the world wrong, and different, and negatively. You and every other person with depression. It's the depression that has caused this thinking. I have been convinced for years of my unworthiness. I still find it hard to accept compliments or thanks because I feel somehow I am fooling everyone. I was very down this week because I had a conversation with someone at church. No need to go into the details. It has taken me until today to stop being overwhelmed and upset.

This was due in part to your posts with their off-beat comments and also because I suggested to someone to remember their good characteristics as described on the MBTI when they were feeling down. I offer you the same advice and I took my own advice. Now that's got to be a first.

Comparing yourself to others is fairly common. Have you read Petra's thread on this subject? It's in Staying Well/When it's not healthy to compare the pair! You may enjoy reading it, or at least recognise some of your traits. You are hard on yourself and I find that somewhat amusing as I have frequently been told this. The person that has been writing to you on this thread has only recently got her act together. I think I said sometime earlier the past 18 months have been quite hellish.

Well I'm in a different place now and coping well. At least that's my opinion and I do remember all the past pain, frustration and anger. I want you to be in that sweet spot also.

You commented earlier that I had a good support network. Yes I do and I am thankful every day, especially the days when I trip up and fall down. It took a long while to set up. Initially it was my GP and Exercise Physiologist. I discovered other people I could talk to simply by talking to them. Yes I had spent time getting to know them and felt safe in opening up but safe or not, I would never have opened as much to anyone a short while ago.

Word limit.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Oh lovely Mary,

Thank you for being there. I'm sorry I was in a state when I wrote that, then I went to the thread with Hope4joy and her words gave me such a lift and I knew I had to come back. This is my first chance, I can't go to sleep without saying sorry. I'm so sorry I was grumpy.

Flippant in the face of caring, hello your stealing my lines. Wow, me too. It is scary but nice, in a scary way. You may actually get that while others are going WTF?!?!

Oh my, an affair. You have no idea what a shock that was, I can't conceive such a thing. Yes, I am that bad with people. And yes I have a lot of trouble being straight at times when I'm embarrised and think my shame is showing. Here goes.

The mystery person as you guessed is another psychologist, a large old guy which makes "affair" pretty funny (thanks for the laugh). He is a couples therapist. For the first time my wife and I are in couples therapy. It was hard, and what pushed me into the kennel with the black dog. My biggest issue is our relationship or lack of one. My poor poor wife had a similar early life like mine, I've often thought that two broken people does not a good marriage make, but we are both fighters and really friends. We have had some very good times and some very tough times. We both work hard at avoiding the gulf between us and trying not to hurt the other. We fail. We go back for round 2 in a couple of days.

I'm still shaking my head at "affair", what a concept. Women just scare the hell out of me, oh hell, your going to ask I can hear it already. it is not just the physical and emotional abuse from my mother, I had a sister who enthusiastically helped, at school she was the lead on the bullying team. All my school years I was bullied. In my teenage years a girl beat the crap out of me pretty bad. Broken ribs, collar bone, eye socket, fractured wrist and foot etc. That is still vivid memory from decades ago, and I can't remember where I parked my car this morning?

I like, respect and am terrified of women. My early years experience with women was all pain, except my wonderful Nana. She was the one who rescued me all the time, and took me to hospital so many times, and took care of me. She was an amazing lady and I loved her dearly, sadly she passed away many years ago and left a huge hole in my heart.

I'm grinding my gears churning over life options we discussed. I don't know if that was to shock us, but it shocked me. I am easy to shock.

Thank you, best wishes

[White_Rose]

Dear Mouse

Absolutely no need to apologise for anything. We are as we are and we care for each other and ourselves to the best of our abilities. Being in a state is the very reason for writing here so we can comfort you and give you a lift to the next step. I think we should both accept we are flawed and broken and make no apologies for that. Deal?

Couples therapy! That is great. You mentioned it way back. The therapist was rude and you left. Good move. How did this session go? No rudeness I hope. I tried to get my ex to go to marriage counselling as it was called many years ago. He would not go because he was not the one with a problem. That pretty much was the end of our marriage.

Oh Mouse, I am so sorry you had such a painful childhood. And the loss of your Nana as well. We have so many traumas in our lives and so many of them are hard to live with. I was never particularly close to either of my grandmothers. Actually I don't remember being close to anyone.

I hope I do not scare the hell out of you. I try very hard not to do this. Well not unless I am being flippant.

When you say churning over life options I take it you are talking about the conversation with the psychologist. Have you and your wife discussed these options? It would be great to go back and say you had talked about these, whether or not you had come to any conclusions.

I have two psych appointments today. Not quite sure how that came about. I think by the end of the afternoon I will be psyched out. This is why I am already up and dressed. Quite momentous occasion for me, being dressed by 7:30 am. I am usually wandering around in my nightclothes for a while. I have noticed that when I get dressed I start to feel a whole lots better. I am thinking it may be feeling of the water on me, the feeling of being dressed and ready for the day. Don't know, just that I am more alert after I dressed.

I went see a friend of mine yesterday afternoon. So embarrassing. I kept falling asleep. So she made another coffee for me and we went to inspect her garden. Eventually I woke up enough to hold a coherent conversation. Well it can't be too much coffee.

I'm told our most recent memories are the ones we lose first. Probably because they haven't had time to settle into our brains. Also we have open and empty (relatively) brains when young. By the time we reach our illustrious age there's not much room left. Neither do I have enough word allowance.

Take care off yourself my friend.

Mary