Decades of depression and loanliness, where to now?

[QldMouse]

I’ve been reading these most amazing posts, from people who sound so nice and are suffering so much. Sadly I can relate so much to so many
people. With apprehension can I share some of my story in the hope of getting a reality check and possible advice.

Like so many I had a sad childhood which then turned to fear, shame, loneliness and depression in teenage and young adult years. A partner was found for me, I lacked the courage to ask her out. A short burst of happiness followed with the birth of a truly wonderful daughter who gives me the reason to carry on each day.

Sadly my wife comes with her own inventory of baggage and has suffered depression most of her life. Over our 20+ year marriage
I’ve tried to remain supportive but have done a pretty crap job, and after hitting a low point I started getting therapy. I’m told I’ve made
a lot of progress but I don’t feel it myself.

I’m exhausted, I feel so lost, trapped and alone. I have no friends, no life, and nothing but fear. I’m over the hill, accelerating down the other side with only a few years to go. My wife has sought help in the past but without success, and will not consider counseling or any form of assistance. She remains medicated, but it had an adverse reaction on me. I feel so bad for her and shame that I’m such a rubbish husband.

The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks I should leave and pursue my own path to happiness, but I think she underestimates how much that terrifies me. The fear of being even lonelier than I am now and losing my daughter, the one person that keeps me going, I just can’t cope with that. I still love my wife but our relationship has been poor for a couple of decades. We don’t talk honestly, and she is a bit harsh on me at times. I’m not saying I don’t deserve it, and I understand I’m overly sensitive.

My therapist says that I have qualities that women are looking for, but I am very skeptical. I am paying her to make me feel better
after all. She also underestimates how truly bad I am around women. I have suffered social anxiety since I was young, panic attacks and a morbid fear of women. I literally cannot talk to a woman I like, it is hard enough for me to breath in her presence. I dread to think what they must think of me, my deep breathing is not rudeness it’s an inability to obtain oxygen. Pretty poor prospects really.

I’m lost, can I help my wife? Can I help me? Can I help us or is it really too late? How do you tell?

Thanks for reading, be well everyone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I have been reading some of your other posts. You work with children, is that right? I am most impressed.

I understand about your parents. My husband and his siblings were treated very badly by their mother. Apparently dad just stood by. However my ex did devote himself to his mother when she was dying of cancer, at least according to him. His sister wanted me to stay with him because of his childhood and I really understood how horrible it had been, but I was fed up of being punished as a substitute for his mom. You have decided not to perpetuate your family's dysfunctional ways and I admire you for that. I imagine it may not have been as easy as you make it sound.

I mentioned the joke because I thought you would laugh, not because I thought you fitted that stereotype. I would apologise but it will only give you another opportunity to beat yourself up again. From what you have written here and in other posts I categorically deny you have the "the emotional intelligence of a lump of dog turd". Your so called lady friend obviously could not see a good thing if it bit her (but you wouldn't do that would you). Mate you are as sensitive and empathetic as anyone who writes here, and the standard is high.

If I have missed out on something I had best rectify it. Will get the DVD some time. I went to the cinema yesterday with a friend of mine. We watched Me Before You which was funny and generally OK. I think it had less impact as someone told me the ending a few days before. It was a bit of a tearjerker. I managed to spill some of the coffee I had taken in onto my clothes, don't ask. Hardly surprising my friend decided she didn't want to eat out afterwards and took me back to her home for a meal.

Out of room. I will follow your example and finish on another post.

[White_Rose]

I strongly disagree with you and Mr Spock. And he was told by no less a person than Captain Kirk that at times the needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many. Don't quote Star Trek at me, I know them all. Remember Spock was speaking from a Vulcan point of view, all logic and no soul. We are human, emotional and frail. The needs of the one are of paramount importance so stop slinking away and pretending you are worthless. I once said something of the stuff you say to a friend of mine. She was most indignant and told me she was my friend and she did not have losers for friends as it lowered her status.So consider yourself told.

Why do you think your search for happiness would come at the expense of your family? If you love your family as you say, it must make you happy to be with them. And if this is not true you jolly well need to get happy because you being miserable is upsetting them. Wow, did I really say that? I'm sure you have seen the film The Mouse That Roared. Or perhaps read the book of that title by Leonard Wibberley?

I am debating whether or not to delete my last comment. On the whole I think I will leave it in.

OK I need to cook tea as I want to go out tonight quite early. I will be up bright and early in the morning but alas not to write in here. Got jobs to do.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

At one time I did work briefly with children, they are a lot easier to get on with than adults, and I worked with older people ... now I feel that I'm one myself!! My Blue card is long expired, and that was another life. I've worked and managed groups of young adults, eg average age 22-24 in my late 40's and early 50's, I loved that. Working with old farts like me does not ring my bells. I do hope I don't grow up any time soon.

I do enjoy engineer jokes, but I relate to them strongly. The lady that labeled me did have a point, I am hopeless with people skills like how people interact. eg. Two people I worked closely with (and introduced) apparently had an affair, left their spouses and shacked up together and I had no idea. I was about the last person in the building to find out (the wedding invitation finally gave it away). That is me, Mr Oblivious. Yes I feel for people strongly, but I assure you I am quite a mess.

I barely think I qualify to give advice here, the standard is so high. But I have learnt a lot and contributed what I feel comfortable contributing, I hope it helps.

We have to watch that too many words thing, already been dinged in another thread.

Oh heck, I've been out-treked. I'll have to switch to that quote from the late Han Solo ... no, something tells me that road leads to pain as well. Yes, they made a whole movie out of "the needs of the one" didn't they.

I badly need an hour in the office of the nice safe couch, only days away now. I probably need eighty hours but nobody can afford that.

Hope you had a good day, sounds like it was busy.

Squeek!

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

It is such a delight to read your posts. I've had a busy morning and just reached my computer. I had a job to do at church this morning but when I reached to the right turn to arrive at church I found the road barricaded. Road works apparently so I drove round to the other end of the road only to find it was barricaded also. Told the man with the stop sign I needed to get to the church and he opened the barrier. It wasn't until I was inside church that I realised I could have driven down the parallel road to the one I wanted and parked the car and gone in another entrance. Some of us are a little slow at times but it was 8:00am.

This morning my meditation group met at my home for our monthly discussion group. As usual we started on one subject and wandered off on other tracks but it was really enjoyable. One of the best things that has happened to me is meeting this group of people and becoming a part of their lives. When anyone is in any kind of trouble everyone rallies round to help where they can. But what I value most is the weekly meditation group meeting. Only an hour but keeps me grounded and then the monthly discussion.

Some of the same people are members of my book club, or I should say, I am a member of their book club. Still lots of love and support and I wonder if I would have got so far without these folk in my life. Have you ever tried meditating? I have been doing this for 10+ years. Been part of the book club for a similar time. Now here's a thought, why not find a book club. Libraries usually know a number of book clubs in their area. Good mental stimulation and don't try to tell me you could not read a book and comment on it. It's no different to Star Trek.

In another thread where you post you were told not to avoid answering questions and I must say the same to you. Why would your family suffer if you were happy? Come on now, 'fess up.

You are not the only person to miss a budding romance right under your nose. There's nothing wrong with that. It shows you spend your days working instead of gossiping. And why are you not qualified to give advice? Actually there is relatively little advice given here. People relate their own experiences of pain and what helped them recover. No right or wrong answer so no excuse. What would you like? This is a safe place to talk and even if we wanted to gossip it would be difficult as no one knows your name or where you live. Can't get more private than that.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary,

I loved reading about your fun with traffic, and love the sound of your life. It sounds idyllic to me. Yes I tried relaxation therapy/Meditation and was asked to leave the class. You might say I'm a meditation school drop out (or kick out?). Let me assure you that those flower-power tie-dye mystic types do have a pissed off side. I've seen it.

Yes, struggling to answer your questions. It is very difficult for me. For years what I wanted or thought I needed has seemed so petty and low priority, the family come first. I've fought so long and hard to make a safe comfortable place, win the bread, make sure the roof does not leak, do the lawns and take out the trash. And there has been a lot of happiness and joy.

But my wife has suffered depression for many years, in truth I think we each account for a lot of each others depression. That is "the elephant in the room" as they say, and we squeeze around it constantly. We each have our fair share of our own baggage from childhood, if you were to score it there would be a photo finish, there is that much we each have. And we are both pretty caring people, so we both have great empathy for the other, are very gentle with the others feelings, and really don't want to upset the other. There are egg shells all over the floor.

But we are hurting each other and both feel really bad about it. We have been to a joint therapy session once, it was a disaster. The guy was an idiot, and started to get insulting. Still we left closer and united in something, we both hated him. About to give it another try. I am terrified and not completely sure why, but I think its the unknown and uncertainty.

I feel sorry for my therapist, she is walking into a verbal tsunami tomorrow. Hope she had a good holiday ....

[White_Rose]

My Dear Mouse, Hello.

Not been on the forums much for the past couple of days. Felt very tired so gave myself permission to coast for a while. Now I have done the washing, attended my exercise class and finished the grocery shopping, the whole weekend stretches before me. Church on Sunday morning and possibly another service in a different church on Sunday evening because this is for people who have a mental illness or intellectual disability, and who find the usual service quite difficult. I like going because it grounds me and I am so pleased this church has been catering for the needs of these folk for the past 25 years. I don't do anything but I like to feel I am offering some support by being there. Or is this me being big-headed?

I think we were brought up to believe that other people are more important than us, and this applies especially to women. Doing the 'right thing' paying the mortgage, going out on the hunt for any stray animals to bring home to the feast and being generally a good provider. It's all very well and good but if we are caring for our partners and family, why is no one caring for us? We need to take time to care for ourselves and this includes you , Mouse.

I think you will have met with your therapist by now. How did it go? I read in Hope4joy's post that you write down everything you want to talk about. That's a great strategy and one I often recommend to people here. Don't you just hate it when you leave and realise you have not talked about the one thing you went for. As your therapist is now back from holidays I am presuming you will meet with her more often. I think I am going in August to meet with the psychologist who was helping me. I would love him to remain as my psych but I know this will not happen and it makes me sad.

I am not sure my life is idyllic. I have my good days as well as the bad ones. Overall I am in a much better place than I was almost a year ago. Finally found an AD that doesn't have horrendous side effects and that actually works. The past 18 months have been pretty grim but there have been lots good times and even joyful times.

Have you read the thread in the Social Zone called MBTI Personality types. This is a well regarded process to determine personality types. I.e. intuitive, emotional, introverted and so on. Have a look at the thread and if it interests you go to the web site and complete the questionnaire. I did this many years ago but I cannot remember what I was, so I did it again.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hi Mary,

Sorry to hear you were feeling tired, I hope you get a chance to recharge your batteries. It sounds like your pace of life is pretty fast. That is interesting about the church, and I'll bet they really appreciate your support. With your experience and empathy having you would be gold. Your head sounds about the perfect size to me. 🙂

Yes, I've been told to look after myself once or twice. Yes, I saw my therapist yesterday, so very relieved she is back. I did have my list but basically I think I just had a huge whinge and pity party. She is lovely and just let me get over it, probably battling jet lag but never saw a yawn.

I had not seen the thread about MBTI but I had a quick read, I've encountered it a lot before in the US. It is very popular for a variety of sin's like management coaching and dealing with conflicts, motivating people etc. I could not remember mine either so I did the test. “The Mediator” (INFP-T). Sounds about right.

Need to re-read the background notes and go find my old test results.

Have a wonderful weekend, and hope your in good voice for Sunday.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mouse

I'm baaaaack. Feeling much better and quite energized which is a great feeling.

So you are an INFP-T. I am ENFJ- T. Both are groups are uncommon. Does this make us special? I see part of your description is this.

Mediator personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, Mediators have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the Mediator personality type – but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration.

Well that sounds like a pretty good description of what you have told us about yourself. I love the Tolkien quote.

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost. And I think this is also you. While you do not feel up to much at the moment you have the capacity for strength and joy. Let it come out and play.

Great to know you saw your therapist on Thursday and all was well. I expect you had a lot to tell her. When do you meet again? Whinges and pity parties are par for the course. I bet many of our respective sessions with a counsellor would come under that heading. But it does feel good to unload once in a while, and importantly it's necessary. We do need to get all those hurts and bad feelings out into the open so we can deal with them.

So you are a meditation school drop out. Well obviously you have never been to the sort of meditation group I have experienced. No flower power or tie-dyeing, just ordinary people dressed in an ordinary manner. No incense or chanting, and definitely no sitting crossed legged on the floor. I couldn't get down for one thing and I think the others would also find it difficult. Once down I would stay there. We sit on chairs and switch the light off when we meditate. No expectations. If this interests you I can give you the web site which will give you a list of meditation groups. There may be one near you.

Went to church this morning for a 7:00 am start after waking up at 6:35 am. No breakfast, not even coffee and I was only five minutes late. Got a cup of coffee afterwards but before I could enjoy it I got into chat and my cup was taken away. Words gone.

Mary

[QldMouse]

Hello Mary (he types very politely) ...

... Why do I have a vision of a Lady Arnie nursing a grenade launcher, with a smoldering Cuban cigar hanging out of the corner of her mouth? Nice to see you again ma'am. Good to hear your fighting fit .

So, Protagonist Personality (ENFJ -T) eh? One good quote deserves another (with apologies to the author) ...

Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart ... Your breath can radiate love ... Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and
minds.
David Deida

I wonder if David ever worked for Hallmark?

Protagonists are natural-born leaders, full of passion and charisma. Forming around two percent of the population, they are oftentimes our politicians, our coaches and our teachers, reaching out and inspiring others to achieve and to do good in the world. With a natural confidence that begets influence, Protagonists take a great deal of pride and joy in guiding others to work together to improve themselves and their community.

Right back at you Mary, that sure sounds like you too. Feels a bit creepy doesn't it? So you are a very rare flower indeed at 2%, I way more common at 4%. I am very tempted to pay the money for the detail report.

I will admit I have a T-Shirt from hiking in New Zealand with "not all those who wander are lost" on it, one of my favorites. I like to try and get lost but have not succeeded yet.

I'll be back to couch tomorrow, then the following week. I feel like one of those mid life crises things needs to happen, I missed my mid life crisis I recon I deserve one.

Good to see your weekend was full on, have an awesome week.

[White_Rose]

Thank you for the compliments dear Mouse. I usually say throw chocolates or money but it's a bit difficult in these circumstances. Compliments fit the bill exactly.

I am looking forward to hearing about your next visit to the couch, if that's OK. I'm not sure what a mid life crisis is. I feel I have had crises all my life. If you feel the need then go ahead.

Yes David's quote was rather flowery. Probably could make a good living writing for Hallmark.

I am off to A Place To Belong in the morning. Had two weeks off for school holidays though I'm not really sure why. Gives us all a bit of a break.

Just realised it's after 7:00 pm and I have not eaten much today. I think an omelette is in order.

Talk soon.

Mary