Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Ruby3]

Hi guys

sorry to hear that rx, I think maybe some time would be good. It can’t be you that is always making the effort she has to meet you halfway too. You sound like a really great person and you don’t deserve any of this.

Same goes for all of you. I think the fact we are all here shows that we are caring people? And we don’t deserve this treatment.

Anyway for me, I think the rejection of this other guy, has sort of made me really miss my ex husband again. I miss having that person that knew me completely. I don’t want to start dating again. Annoyingly this other guy started it and I wouldn’t that’s approached him if he hadn’t to me first and now he’s embarrassed me.

I dunno. When I sit and think about everything that has happened on the last few months I can’t believe I’m still standing. I’m only here because of my son I guess. Not sure what I’ve ever done to deserve such treatment from people.

I start my job tomorrow. Nervous but excited I guess.

God I hope things get better soon. For some reason I’ve taken such a huge step back.

Nikki x

[There]

Hey Nikki,

I think you’re right. The reason we are here is because we are caring people who care deeply I think.

I get it. Missing that person who you felt was the other piece of you. I have it with my ex. You’re not alone. Going out there to find someone new is horrifying and super scary. I’m sorry this guy has treated you like this. It’s not what you need right now and it’s just s**t.

Congrats on the new job! Well done! You know a fresh start is always good. Meeting new people, keeping busy from learning new things. Great way to break up what’s going on with you. How are you and your son going?

Im not sure what’s happened for you to deserve this either Nikki. It’s not something I’d ever wish on anyone. I can only believe that it’s preparing us for something better and we can teach ourselves to become stronger, better people.

I say all of this and of course I’m exactly where you are at... I hope you’re ok.

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hy J and nikki, and yep , l miss it too , so much.

and thanks very much for the thoughts, l think you guys are right.

New job nikki , J 's right it might turn out really good timing for you and get your mind of things , and who knows what else.

Good luck and just think , by tomorrow night, it's be all over. And tomorrow night will be here in about 2 seconds flat haha.

For me , l do know how l got here at least, some of it was self inflicted and some of it wasn't . l def' don't deserve everything that's happened though and life this last 6yrs . Tbh though, what l can't figure out is why nothings come together in all that time.

Yaknow , you watch other people going through divorce or other life changing things , like even moving away to a whole new area or state like you J , and things come together for them. Often just a couple of years , sometimes only a few months, and they have a whole new life. Hell some even remarry by 2yrs, whole new life, relationships .

l pretty well feel like l'm where l was 6yrs ago. ln life anyway , happiness , or the lack of.

Wish l knew how those bloody people did it, don't you !

[Brad49]

I got a Part Time job .. another thing to keep me occupied.Right now my wife tries contacting me once a week.I get missed calls from her every week.... My sons testing got put back for a few weeks,wasn't today.

And ruby i once worked with a happily married guy out in public.. He would walk up and down trying to get womens phone numbers.. Simply because he wanted to see if he could.. its a ego thing. Nothing ever came out of it.

[There]

Hey Brad,

Congrats on the job. Well done! Sorry your sons testing got pushed back. How are you feeling about your son being tested? How are you doing now that your ex is contacting you on a weekly basis?

How was your first day Nikki?

How are you going Rx?

J x

[There]

Hey Rx

I wish I knew how they do it too! Things came together for me but like you are back where I began before I moved. How do you start over?

Today im feeling ok. Feeling a bit happier with out him. Well at the moment. I was crying at lunch time.

What things make you happy Rx? Do you do things that make you smile?

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi guys.

Great news about the job brad , might be a nice distraction . Just thinking mate , maybe you should answer her once a week calls . She could be trying to establish a regular time to check about her son , it's a start. Another thing that crossed my mind is that it might also be at a time when the bf isn't around.

Just thoughts.

How's the job nikki ?

Hey J.

Thanks for that , oh l've got too much sense if humor for my own good , lots of things make me laugh- well , if l'm not depressed that is.

But some news . guess who l heard from today, yep.!

We talked 8 hours , typical us, straight into it haha. But l'm afraid l don't hold much hope. She's got what we call in my other forum , divorcee syndrome. l think she'll self sabotage again before we even get anywhere , or as soon as we start getting anywhere.

Unfortunately it's really really common in divorced women, 40's and apparently even 50s too. It's complicated but it's a cross between an mlc , midlife crisis , and just basically fear and so constantly self sabotaging. Mainly if it is actually love because they're too scared of trying again and getting hurt. They also run at the slightest drop of a hat.

Sooooo, good and maybe bad news but l'll keep ya posted.

[There]

Hey guys,

Brad I think Rx might have a good point. Do you think she could be contacting you to establish a relationship with your son?

Rx - I’m so glad she contacted you. What’s your other forums name? I’d like to have a read if that’s ok? I did some reading on this self sabotage. I wondered if Mr. M has done it and not realized. I wondered if he did this because things were getting more serious and he’s a commitment phobe? So he found something to draw himself away from me... then I wonder if I give him too much credit? I’d like your thoughts 🙂

I hope it’s not bad news Rx. At least you’re talking 🙂 that’s something.

How are you going Nikki?

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi j.

yep l suspected that exact sort of thing straight away with you ex and your h, and probably nikki's too.

lf not an mlc type thing then yeah simply the commint't p thing. That's always thrown around about guys but believe me the exact same thing is also into 40s women.

One of the forums l'm in is just more or less a relationships and dating type forum, most people in there are pretty messed up but you get to know the few that aren't among it all. Not sure if l'm allowed to mention it but that's called Loveshack. But one of the most common thing with the guys meeting women in their 40s is all that sort of thing l talked about. A lot of them have found great new relationships after divorce and fallen in love but then suddenly , snap , and the turn and run like hell.Even after making plans, marriage and life. l've found the same thing and now with gf too unfortunately. Yet it's pretty obvious she loves me very deeply but that's what's actually causing it.

The other one is about pure mlc , it's called The Heros Spouse . If you read all about the symptoms and behavior , in that forum, l think you'll see them in both your ex's .

My gf is also entering into mlc l think too , everything about her is changing , all her beliefs , attitudes , the lot . That's also a big part of mlc . It's like suddenly they aren't the same person anymore .With women it can also hit during menopausal. My gf's 48 , and l can see huge changes in her.

Hope your ok..

rx

[Brad49]

Well more then trying to maintain contact with her son.. My wife has lied to me constantly for years on various subjects.I dont know when shes telling the truth anymore.. .I told her i was moving away soon.Then she mentioned that she was moving into a place of her own soon.That what she did wasnt worth it.She wants me to move out of this place im renting because she HATES the landlords.. If i did that i have a feeling she might move back in.. Then again this all might be one big lie.. She loves telling stories my wife. and yes she wants to see her son but i dont know how.. She works 6 days a week and is closely guarded by her boyfriend who keeps a constant watch on her when shes not working.. Ive taken her son down once to see her at work but thats about all i can do..