Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[Brad49]

Agreed you cant just stop loving someone... everytime i looked at my wifes picture id get upset.Id cry when driving,Id get upset all the time. Remove all his pictures,Remove everything that reminds you of him everywhere.. Get rid of everything of his left in the house.when there is nothing left to remind you of him you wont get upset as much..

What turned everything around for me was all the hopes and dreams we had together(my wife and i) for the future were destroyed in a few months. For me after it felt like i had a clean/blank slate to plan new dreams,plan a new future..

[There]

Thanks guys. Having you here really helps and knowing I’m not alone.

How do you do it Nikki? Some days I just want to give up and let everything crash down. I think the thing I get stuck on is that I feel like he’s winning. He’s found someone new, happy and I’m just stuck mourning over our relationship. Why can’t he be sad? Why can’t he struggle to be happy day in day out?

Its funny I was at a body balance class tonight and started crying. We then did a guided meditation at the end for 5 mins and it was about happiness and it wasn’t something she normally does. It was like fate! Helped me a bit today.

Do you find you’re getting answers with your psychologist Nikki? How have you been?

Thanks Brad - I have a Mr. M box of stuff in my storage unit. Still have photos on my phone that I don’t look at and I can’t bring myself to delete because what if he does come back? I’d want them... maybe when I’m ready I’ll delete them?

I need to think like that... new dream, new plan...

J x

[Ruby3]

Hi guys

how is everyone doing?

ive been a bit up and down again. Not sure why.

Hope you’re all ok

nikki x

[Guest_1584]

Hi guys . hope your ok.

yeah , pics and millions of messages J. because we were long distance 70% of the time. l dunno , my are buried in a folder in a folder thats in another folder , so l don't see them. l know it's not smart but l still look at them though.

anyway , personally , not doin too good this wkend as l haven't heard back from her and even though pretty sure she might write later on , if she was gonna wanna do this l would've had a call or messsages by now as well l think for sure so l think we might be done.

lt might be for the best , or not , ldk. There were such big issues and she was a bit more practical about them all than l was and l'd bet that will stop her.

Gonna be a sad few months coming up now l'm afraid though , damn it.

The thought of starting again makes me kinda ill.

sorry this isn't an upper.

[Brad49]

Its normal ruby going up and down... Just keep doing what your doing..

And as for me. My wife added me to line the other day because i,ve blocked her everywhere else.That made me very uncomfortable so i changed my profile over to someone else and deleted my line accounts.Im back to putting my phone on the hook and having all calls go through to messagebank. Ive been thinking long and hard recently.Ive learnt how to live on my own again.(Except with a son) .I dont need her. What would she bring to any relationship with me? Lots of pain.Anguish,stress,heartache and financial problems Overall shes not worth it..

[There]

Hey guys,

Hope everyone’s doing ok.

Hows things with your son Nikki?

Damn RX I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t heard from her. Just remember that sending letter especially OS takes time. She may also be processing your letter and reflecting on what you’ve said.

Yep I’m on a bit of a downer too. Had a very good friends wedding last night. It was lovely and they are a beautiful couple but I can’t help but reflect on my own failed marriage and Mr. M. I missed him like crazy last night. I know he would’ve been the life of the party. I found out one of his work friends of friends now on FB with one of his mates GF. I’m not sure why this has effected me so much? Maybe because they might have had another get together with Mr. Ms new GF? I dunno. Just sad still.

Brad - you are so strong! How do I get to be like that? Good for you blocking her and knowing what you want. If you don’t mind me asking how are you going with your son? How is he doing with the split?

You seem to look at it so logically and don’t take any nonsense. I’m glad you have joined our thread.

J x

[Guest_1584]

Hi J and all.

Yeah your right J , thanks for that. x. Even l didn't expect any messages so soon anyway tbh , what am l on about, just allowing myself to getting too anxious l suppose .

Sorry about the wedding thing , wooo never a good idea at a time like this though so l'm glad that's over for you .

l was worried about your son in all this too B , is he seeing he's mum , is she spending time with him? l'd be worried blocking because take it from me , been through it nearly 6yrs now. The nonsense has to be put aside for our kids and parenting communication open so that our kids can still have both parents and as peacefully as poss for them. We've kept good terms from day one and worked together, even though l felt like leaving the state and never talking or seeing ex again.

It ain't easy but all studies , even though it's a no brainer anyway , but all show kids that grow up through divorcing parents are 100s of % better adjusted and min' damage , if , parents work together.

lt's the hardest thing l've ever done but my daughters nearly 17 now and the difference between her and all of her poor friends that go through all these horrific divorces, is amazing and makes it all worthwhile. We're so proud of her.

Can you turn just that side of things around and start developing the co parenting angle. for your son ? lt only has to be on that level nothing else . That's how we work, we can still text or call anytime day or night with anything for my daughter and we still do all the time. Either can pick her up, come and go or see her anytime we want or she wants or call, no times or locked in nonsense, ever, since day one. As she gets older ex and my contacts less and less lately thank god. But l can't begin to say how this way has literally changed my daughters life and, childhood 10fold for the better.

l really hope that in time you can just turn that side of things around between you and his mother , for him . Good luck anyway.

[Brad49]

My son worries me.. Hes missing a lot of his milestones and he could either be Autistic or suffering trauma from my wife leaving or both... He needs special care at daycare.Hes being tested at daycare this wednesday.

Im just giving him as much love and attention as i can but its really difficult raising a 2 year old on your own.

And for me being strong? I dont know.. i feel like a pushover a lot of the time..

[There]

It’s hard not to get anxious in that sitch Rx. Let yourself breathe and allow yourself some kindness. It’s hard to do that sometimes. Also kudos to you and your ex for being able to put everything aside for your daughter. That’s how it should be. I saw Mr. Ms ex wife start treating their son like a partner and telling him things a child shouldn’t know or have to deal with.

Brad - that’s so hard but at least you are taking the first step and putting your son first. Whatever the outcome I’m sure you have people around you that will support you and help as much as they can. And I know we are only words on a screen but we are here for you too.

You are a strong person Brad. I know sometimes it feels like you might be a push over (I feel like a doormat sometimes) but when it comes to what you have said on here you come across as a strong person. Don’t forget that. I feel like we all have our strengths and sometimes we fall or trip but it’s the will to get up again that is the main thing.

How are you doing Nikki?

J x

[Brad49]

My wife never bonded with my son properly and has refused to spend enough quality time with him.Last time i took my son to see his mother my son didn't recognise her.My wife is too busy with her boyfriend.All i see from my wife is her wanting to visit him but not wanting to spend any quality time with him,or to bond with him.I tried mediation to get a parenting plan going but she doesn't want it.I cant force her to look after our son even when she doesnt want to? And regards contact.. the boyfriend has blocked all contact with me on my wifes phone. If i try contacting my wife the boyfriend will grab the phone and start abusing me... and im blocking my wife off across multi media... Its a lot less trouble with me having 100% care then having my non caring wife look after him