Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

My parents weren't listening to me and did loads of thing that made the already difficult situation worse. They had the right intentions in some ways but were selfish in other ways. I tried not to be too hurtful as I always do, but my parents were getting to the point were screaming at them wasn't even getting the message through to them. Just thinking about the other night is making me cry so I'm going to stop.

The sub-acute was okay, a few new staff but all nice as usual. The stay was a bit abrupt because it was only 3 days, and for a lot of the time I was out at TAFE or therapy. I don't really feel much better now. It would've probably been better if I could've stayed a few more nights. It was like when I got there it took me a day to settle in but then I was sent straight back out after just getting comfortable. Oh well.

I went for about 6 weeks without self harm but relapsed when I got back from Japan, now the longest I've gone without self-harming is a few days. I feel like I'm still getting worse.

Winnie looks very nice now, still loving sleeping underneath my bed.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm trying my best.

Winnie is amazing and hilarious at times. She gets random spurts of energy where she sprints around the house then flops down in the middle of the room and falls asleep.

TAFE has been good. I've started making some friends. Next week I'll actually start learning things which I'm excited for. It's quite similar to school but I think I prefer TAFE.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It would have been so disappointing for you to go for so long without self-harm and then relapse upon your return.

I'm glad TAFE is turning out well and the sub-acute OK. I'd expect hte new social life and studying subjects you enjoy or are interested in will give you a corner of your life that is a complete change from everything else.

May I suggest a couple of things? Write down your parent's mistakes and what it was about their actions that left you feeling frustrated and unheard. Then give it to the therapist that in your judgment will get it, and be listened to by your parents. They then need to visit. They have so much potential to ease your life not only when you are in great distress but also in everyday life if they know more about how to react, which is why I'm on about it.

I have question about sub-acute. You thought in some ways that visit was too brief, can you decide to stay longer if you feel the need?

On another matter I've probably mentioned before ! have a mental place I go to when feeling stressed and wanting relief. It is a coastal plateau on a cliff edge overlooking grey seas to the horizon. The solitude and vastness of the place calms me. 平静

Is there somewhere - maybe in Japan - that you could imagine and use in the same way? To escape for a little while is a balm

Please give Winne a scratch behind the ears for me

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

It was disappointing to relapse after so long without it. For a while I was beginning to be able to picture a life without self harm or self harm urges, now I can't fathom it.

I've started learning the content now at TAFE and even got my first assessment to complete. So far haven't been very social but I'm working on it.

I feel bad pointing out all of my parents mistakes. I'd rather them just not be involved. But I guess they'll kind of need to be. The next module I'm doing in DBT is interpersonal effectiveness, its about communicating your needs with people. My DBT therapist is hoping it will help me with my relationship with my parents. I'm not sure if family therapy is happening anymore either because with as far as we got, it wasn't helping.

With the subacute, I'm not sure if I would have been able to stay longer, its usually just up to the head psychiatrist and nurse. If I asked I think they would've said no.

I can't think of a particular place in Japan. None of the places I can think of are very calming or stress-relieving because most of what I know is hustling bustling Tokyo. Usually when I'm feeling stressed or wanting relief I go deep inside myself/my own body for comfort physically and or mentally, but sometimes that doesn't work.

At the moment with everything I feel like I'm just going one step forward, two steps back.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Before I forget I'll be away for a little while starting in a day or so. So if you don't get a reply for a while that's the reason, but like Arnie "I'll be back"

Now in one way having things get bad again is disappointing, however I guess you could look at it from the point of view of buried inside you is someone who has the capability to go for considerable time much improved.

I have the feeling that in the past you might not have thought yourself even capable of that.

My suggestion of peaceful scenes in Japan just shows my ignorance, I think of cherry blossoms, temples and Mt Fuji, you experience crowded bustling city life.

Really it does not matter what mental images you conjure up, anything that helps at all will do -as I'm sure you know.

Something else I'm sure you know is that parenting does not come with a "Dummies Guide to being a Good Parent". It is a permanent learning process and guidance is necessary. That has to come from somewhere.

If you can get them to realise the negative bits by speaking directly, or though a therapist they stand a better chance of doing things right. It does not mean you are criticizing or complaining, just being useful. A lot depends on how it is presented.

Perhaps family therapy might be better in the future if you can go down this path.

I expect TAFE will be good, and many will be like you and find it socially slow to start with. Are you OK wiht your first assignment?

BTW is your sister's leg all healed now?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I hope you have an enjoyable, refreshing time away.

I guess it was good that I was able to go for a while feeling okay. I just feel like going downhill again means that I'll never find "happiness" and I'll always fall right back down to where I began. However, in saying that, I'm feeling a bit better again. I somehow suddenly have the energy to at least try to enjoy life. At the moment I don't want to end my life because it's not a really good time to over the next week or two (I know most people reading that will be confused and say there is no "good time" to die but my brain has a weird way of working so forgive me for being a bit weird like that). I'm trying my best to make life enjoyable, I'm trying everything I can by doing things that I used to enjoy/are tolerable, faking it till I make it and trying to look after myself. I don't know where the motivation to do all these things has come from but I'm not complaining.

I'm in the progress of processing what happened the other night where my parents did and said things I'm finding hard to understand/forgive. Maybe when I've processed it a bit more I might try and talk to them or my therapist about what they said or did in the situation that made it worse. I guess I should do that sooner rather than later before I reach a very low point again. I'm still feel very willful towards family therapy, maybe it can happen a bit later in the future.

TAFE has been pretty slow-paced and easy so far. The first assignment seems pretty easy, I've already done half of it. I had my first lesson in the nursing lab the other day. The nursing lab is just like a hospital, I think it can even be used as one in case of something happening at the actual hospital in my town. We just did some simple things like thorough hand washing, exploring the lab and making beds. But even with those simple things, I had a lot of fun. The only thing negative was at first, the smell and the look of everything just brought some distressing flashbacks and memories back of my time in hospital with mental health stuff. But I'm hoping with this TAFE course and my future career path I can add some new, positive connections to the hospital scene rather than my painful memories.

I met with my psychiatrist the other day. We decided to try some new medication, I'll start it tomorrow. It's a different class of medication and it's quite strong so hopefully it will have some good effects.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

I am so glad to hear that TAFE is going well and that you are excited to learn new things and that you are finding it better than school. What new things have you learnt this week?

How is that gorgeous little Winnie going? Are you going to be taking her to puppy preschool, omg..how cute...even the name sounds cute..imagine all those naughty little puppies being adorable together.

I just want to mention something to you, you wrote to Croix that you think that perhaps you will never find happiness. I just want to say that even the happiest of people have bad days, sad days, angry days and all these things are experienced by people who don't suffer depression or anxiety or suicidal ideation or anything like that. That you can see that your moods are fluid and one day they are quite low and you are feeling not very good and then you can also see you move out of this space and start to feel better. I think that it is important to acknowledge that you are still allowed to have days that are rough and that does not mean you are falling down the rabbit hole. Some days you might feel stressed about school and how much you are learning or just simply tired from the extra study, but that is ok, we all are going to have days that are grey.

I also want to acknowledge that you said that "now is not really a good time to die"....Hannah...no time is a good time, not today, not tomorrow and not in a month...not ever. I know you knew I was going to say that but it really is true. I am glad that you are trying to see the good in each day so please keep on doing that and keep on writing and getting the dark stuff out.

I am also wondering if you can do some writing about what your parents said and how they reacted in the "event" of the other week, this might help you purge it and to also perhaps take the raw emotion to your sessions and show them what you are feeling.

Huge hugs as always Hannah..and a big cuddle for Winnie too xxx

Sarah xxxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry about my late reply.

In TAFE this past few weeks I've been learning about workplace health and safety and infection control, sounds boring but kind of interesting. In our nursing practical side of things I've learnt hand hygiene, how to make a bed and how to use a slide sheet, all sound kind of boring but I've actually been having a lot of fun. Only bad thing to happen with TAFE so far is that half of my assessment disappeared and I've had to start it all over again, but I'm trying my best to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Winnie is going well, we're not sure if we'll take her to puppy school because she's already pretty much house trained and we don't really need too more for her to learn. We've been looking after one of her brothers for the past few days. They have been playing together like crazy, they are so funny together.

Yeah I guess that everyone has their good and bad days but I at least want to get to a point where there are more good than bad days and the good days aren't just good because "I only suffered a bit with suicidal thoughts" but rather that they were good because I was happy and felt purpose in life.

So the other day with my parents. Mainly, they didn't listen to me. They put their needs in front of mine, they said things that were ignorant about the situation, and generally kept doing the opposite of what I wanted/needed in the moment. They didn't understand the immense pain I was going through, they thought they knew what was right for me and every time I told them what I wanted they would tell me I was wrong or only listen to the parts they wanted to hear. They did and said what THEY wanted and not what I needed.

Anyway, I've nearly finished one round of DBT which is 20 weeks! It's recommended that you do two rounds to sustain the knowledge and implement the skills you learn. I think I'll do a second round but there's a lot of confusion around therapists and things at the moment. So because I turn 18 soon I'll have to leave the child and adolescent service my case manager and psychiatrist are with. At the moment we're not sure what will happen once I leave, whether I'll be transferred to another adult government service or to Headspace or to a private practice or to no one at all. And if I don't get transferred to a government service, I will have to get a new DBT therapist, but my one currently might be leaving anyway. It's all so confusing and is making me nervous!

Thank you,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hayely
You probably have noticed by my obvious absence that I have been going through some mess…I have had another suicide in my life and just managing that as it has dragged up a few emotions for me. In saying that I am probably going to take a week or two off the forum just to regroup and focus on me for a bit. Just wanted to let you know Mark and I will be back before you know it. I am doing ok but just wanted to let you know that I am just taking a rest.
Be back soon enough so take care and chat soon
Your friend
Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

I've been away for a couple of weeks so have not kept up to date with things. Been doing some study and practice, not my most favorite occupations, but all good.

Transitioning from child services to intermediate like Headspace could be a worry, however a lot depends on the people you are involved with. It can be pretty seamless. As for doing the DBT with a different therapist, I'd think that might be good. You not only get the techniques reinforced from the first time but also get to see another person's take on the whole thing.

I've taken just about all our dogs over the years to puppy training -actually it should be called owner training - however several things learned are useful, such as coming immediately on command, even if terribly interested in chasing a cat or anything else, also not jumping up and making visitors uncomfortable.

Reading though your thread I think you are gradually getting that purpose in life, the important thing to remember is not to be too discouraged at the downs, that will change, I'm speaking from experience both of the downs and the discouragement.

How is your collection of TikToks coming along - any of Winnie yet?

Croix