Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Winnie is the best little monster I could have ever asked for (except for the few accidents shes had around the house)! I just bathed her, she did not enjoy the bath so was extremely happy to get out and went crazy for about 15 minutes sprinting around the house, pretty hilarious.

While I was away my more painful emotions definitely had days where they took a backseat but there was still days where they came around quite intensely, but overall a bit better. It's kind of comforting knowing that I can have good days, but I still feel like the good days will never be worth the bad days. I guess at the moment the ratio of good to bad days is quite uneven.

I had an appointment today with my case manager and psychiatrist. I explained to my case manager about how I've been (as usual) and she said a similar thing to what you said about me having more control. Last week, despite having difficult days I got through it myself.

We also discussed family dynamics which was interesting. A lot of conversation around expressing anger and sadness in the household. I very very rarely express "negative" emotions because when the others in my house have done it, it was scary and or I didn't like it. My family wants me to let go more but I don't know how, bottling up all my emotions is how I've lived all my life pretty much.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Winnie is doing really well settling in. And yes, she has already appeared in some of my TikToks.

Hopefully I don't fall back into being unwell enough that I end up in inpatient treatment, but like you said if I do, I've been there before and know I can get out. I usually can notice if something isn't quite right or if I'm falling back, it's usually more about if I can reach out or not. I think with so much support around me I should be able to.

The fires have been really tragic but have brought so many people together, its just sad that it has taken a natural disaster for it to happen. I think this year is a year of change and new beginnings for a lot of people. I'm hoping that this year treats all of us well. So many exciting things that can happen over the next 12 months.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Your little monster sounds delightful, and in time the accidents will stop. Being bathed is part of a domestic dog's life (even if they only endure it they do like the attention) On hot days it can be fun all round.

We normally have four-bucket dogs. Two to wash and two to rinse. Foxy (our current dog) is only a two-bucket dog. Cats get a wipe over with a damp cloth when too hot. I'm not sure how our cats would have taken to full baths.

Letting go of anger outwards can be a lost habit for a long time, resulting in the things you know. I have thought about this quite often i the past and came to the conclusion it was at leat partly fright. To let go and really let fly in anger may seem dangerous, driving everybody away permanently. With some who do not realy care I guess that is right, however where there is love involved, parents, sister, then it does not work the same.

You can be furious and remain secure. You do not have to be furious about anything rational, it can be just raw emotion. May I suggest you talk this over with your mum? Get her opinion on how she would react.

This may make no difference in the short term but might help sometime. Certainly talking to your mum about such problems can't hurt, may be good for both of you.

Looking back over your posts I think the balance of bad to good is slowly changing. Not right yet and not fast enough, but I've confidence in you, your skills and ability to see things. With reaching out you are starting to find it can be possible.

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hello Hannah

I am soo happy to hear that Winnie is settling in well, I hope she didn't keep you awake with those little puppy tears in the night....very cute but somewhat annoying. That is so very very cute that she is appearing in your Tik Toks, how can she not....lol....I am sure that your people following you are loving seeing the cuteness that is Winnie too.

You are so very right in that it is sad that it has taken something like essentially our whole country burning for our people to reach out to one another and lend a hand and support a neighbor, although it is very heartwarming to see the lengths that people are going to with supporting and making food and taking supplies and just being good humans, this is really great and makes you feel proud to be an Australian. It is really nice too for our overseas friends to see how we have come together and I think that speaks volumes to the type of people we are, resilient and tough.

I am really excited for this year for you too, I can't wait to hear how TAFE goes and how you are enjoying the course seeing that it is something you are passionate about, that is really awesome. It is different in that Year 12 you had a syllabus and had to follow what they thought you should learn, now you are out there choosing what you want to learn and that is so very powerful. To have the control of your path in your hands.

My son started his first part time job this week at Hungry Jack's, he went really well and really enjoyed it, however he did wrap a burger with the wrapper inside out and built the burger upside down, but they could laugh about it which was good. He wont know himself being 15 and having some cash of his own...

Hope you have something fun planned for the long weekend? I am actually volunteering at the Aust Open for BB which I am really looking forward to.

Huge hugs to you Hannah..and a hug and a scratch for Winnie too...

Sarah xxx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I took Winnie on her first walk today just up the road and back. It was pretty funny because she's so easily distracted. It took us a while but we got there in the end.

Thanks for your insight about anger. I guess it makes sense that its scary because anger may drive people away, but usually not the ones that care about you. I've kinda brought it up with my mum before. She said, "you just need to let go and get angry more often instead of holding it all in and letting it all go at once (referring to my suicide attempts, I don't think they relate to pent up anger but she does)".

I have gone downhill quite a lot the past few days. I don't know whats triggered it to get so bad so quickly. I knew I was very slowly getting a bit worse (like naturally shifting up and down) but then suddenly I dropped. On Thursday I had a close call where I bought means to hurt myself but told my DBT therapist (I had group with her that day) and she removed it and told my mum. Now I'm sitting here in bed feeling like absolute shit. I don't know what's going on.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I can't believe Winnie has only been with my family for not even two weeks, she's already such a key part in my family. She is awesome.

The bushfires have been horrible but everyone coming together has been beautiful.

TAFE is very exciting, actually studying something that I'm interested in will be really good.

Haha don't worry, your son is not alone in making funny little mistakes when starting work. I made plenty of mistakes too, looking back on them they were pretty funny but still quite embarrassing haha. Getting money and not having to pay bills or rent is such a good feeling. I remember getting my first pay, I was so so happy.

Volunteering at the Australian Open sounds fantastic! I've been watching a few matches on TV. Good luck with it!

For the long weekend, today my family and I explored a nearby area while listening to Triple J's top 100 of 2019. It was pretty fun. Tomorrow we might go out on a boat to some nearby islands, probably not swimming though because of the jellyfish. And no plans for Monday yet, we'll see.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

"but told my DBT therapist" is NOT the act of a shit, it is the act of a winner in the constant struggle. That is the important thing to take out of the whole episode, not the fact you bought something. The fact you had the courage and confidence to mention it here is another win too. You are growing! Might not be as fast as you might like, but you will get there.

Have a look under the bed you are sitting on and see if the monster is there.

You have lot going on at the moment, the return from Japan to your normal environment, the scene of so many unhappy episodes before. The start at TAFE where even enjoyment in the subjects is not all there is to it. Worry you will do well, schedules, other students, milestones to pass and more all yield stress.

Even that talk with your mum would have added a little more stress, it all adds up. If you do not agree about the anger maybe it might be better described as pent up emotion rather than anger - what do you think? (A serious question if you wanted to think abut it, however don't go there if it makes you uncomfortable)

So you went down, you know as well as I do that snatches of happiness and joy will still come in time, Winnie snoofling along on the walk, a particularly funny TikTok and so on. They are treasures.

Have fun exploring

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I'm sorry for the late reply, I've had a hectic few days.

So the weekend didn't get any better after that incident where I bought the means and told my DBT therapist. Your bit of encouragement about reframeing the situation and describing it as an improvement I think saved me over the weekend. I felt incredibly low and suicidal on the weekend but on Sunday night was able to let my DBT therapist know. She was very concerned about my safety and nearly called an ambulance on me. Instead she was able to inform my parents and they took care of me the rest of the night (not very well, which led me to have the biggest meltdown I've had for years). Both my DBT therapist and case manager decided that I needed some extra support and care and respite. So, I spent the past three days at the sub-acute clinic.

During the past week I also started TAFE, I've only done a few introduction sessions but so far so good.

I think the pent up anger could also just be pent up emotion in general like you said because I don't like letting my emotions go that much. When I had a meltdown the other day I was crying for hours and yelling at my parents. My therapists think it was good because I "let go" of my emotions but I think it was bad. Rather than, letting go of my emotions it was more like I couldn't handle all of my thoughts and emotions to the point where I just exploded. It was horrible. I would be able to let go of my emotions, but not where I'm in immense pain and suffering.

We got Winnie groomed the other day and she looks much nicer and fresher.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'm impressed. Whenever you have been presented with overwhelming thoughts you have done the right thing. On Sunday night you called your therapist - spot on. She then acted as a bridge to your parents.

Only think about this question if you want to: would you like to say what it was your parents did or didn't do that triggered (not caused) the meltdown? If you can think of anything -does not have to be everything - might help in their training.

On explosions/meltdowns: "Rather than, letting go of my emotions it was more like I couldn't handle all of my thoughts and emotions to the point where I just exploded. "

Well OK but that is a good description of why anyone loses it. Me included on some (rare) occasions. It gets too much, the whole world piles up and has nowhere to go, so you explode.

Sometimes the very best I can hope for is to limit the possible grief I cause by having a little restraint in what I say by trying not to be too hurtful. THIS IS NOT EASY, takes a lot of practice and is fueled by love.

You tend to be a person that likes to control your world, from study to emotion. It's not possible and the inability to do so makes you feel worse. That's probably why your therapists think it is good when it happens -a safty valve.

It is easy to confuse horrible, painful, embarrassing, noisy and exhausting with wrong.

Your parents and family (and Winnie) love you. Love can mean you are safe letting go when you need to.

So how was sub-acute? Same staff, all OK?

I'm sure Winnie looks very smart now, still goes under the bed?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

HI Hannah

I am so proud of you.........your strength......your growth and how even when this challenge was presented to you......you choose you and you drew on your strength. I am so sorry that you felt so out of control, that you had this massive "release", however I do somewhat agree that this has it's advantages and it's place in our journey. While it is not pleasant while it is occurring and you feel totally out of control, furious and extreme rage, but how great to get all of that out of you. I also think that this was a key thing for your parents to to really be able to see and to understand the pain and the emotion that you carry each day. Well done Hannah for addressing your "means" and for drawing on you strength to not only address it but to manage it and then be rid of it. This is such a huge thing hannah and really shows how far you have come. There will be times as we said, that you will have bad days and you have shown yourself that you can manage these so much better and have really come such a long way. Rant over....

I am so happy to hear that Winnie is such a key part of your family already and providing so much love and entertainment and is giving you some wonderful times and things to do with her. Puppies are so funny and they get up to all sorts that make us laugh and i am so happy this is happening to you and your family, so wonderful.

Tafe is sounding too like a really positive part of your year and I hope that you really enjoy it and it provides some new experiences too, with new friends and new teachers to meet.

Huge hugs to you hannah xx

Love and support, Sarah xxx