Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Dates seem to have power of their own, and New Year is one of them, in my case mainly my resolutions have not always been carried though well - or sometimes at all. Perhaps a cause for regret. Then I remember it is just one day in a string of days, nothing special.

In your case I'd imagine it may remind you of what is ahead and when in a down mood that can seem daunting even if that is just the product of that down mood, not real.

Perhaps the experience may end up doing you good, after all you are right in saying 2019 was a year where life threw the worst at you and you came though, even doing better in all respects that you anticipated. Alive, good scores, enjoying things and people.

It may also have shown you that you are tough enough to survive one of those days unsupported. No medical team to hand. But you are still here, making plans to watch manga and all sorts of other things. The Ghost in the Shell is another, seems all action on the surface, but has undercurrents, themes of life and being, underneath.

Yes, it is a shame about the workshop, but I've a spinal condition and simply have to let things go. Two young people have had the patience and good humor to learn techniques and methods from me, that is compensation enough.

And yes the possums are happy, and I am happy for them, amazingly agile, at home upside-down as well as the right way up ,squabbling and making nests. Chasing each other like little furry streaks of lightning. Soon a mum will appear with a pile of babies clinging to her back.

I get fun from watching them, fun is important, grab every bit you that comes your way, and share it if you can too. How is your sister getting on?

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

New Year’s Day did I guess kind of remind me of how much is ahead of me, something I certainly don’t want to face. I often set really high standards for myself because I’m an all or nothing thinking person (it’s the root of quite a few of my negative thoughts/thinking patterns). I go from thinking ‘yes I can change everything about my life and turn it all around in a week’, and when I physically can’t, it goes to, ‘wow you’re a failure you can’t be perfect so you might as well not live’. A few negative thoughts and thinking patterns were probably occurring especially on NY day.

But you’re right, I’ve survived it before. And I’ve survived this holiday. And New Year’s Day is just another day.

I’m glad you were able to hand over some of your skills and techniques. The possums’ life seems quite delightful.

My sister is pretty good actually. Her ankle is a lot better but still pretty weak. As I’m writing this she’s making crazy dance TikToks in front of everyone in the living room. She always seems extra happy while we’re in Japan.

Going home tomorrow, this trip has flown by. Unfortunately I’ll have to travel home with just my sister. Dad left a few days ago because he had to go back to work and mum decided to extend her trip because my grandpa is quite unwell. I didn’t notice that much because I’m only around my grandpa a few weeks a year. My mum thinks he has Parkinson’s, she’s taking him to the doctors because he’s kind of denying he’s sick/refusing to get help. Hopefully my mum can find him some help to help him manage whatever illness he has.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

No apologies but in saying that I too have taken longer than I would like to respond to you....

New Year's sounded amazing with all the Japanese traditions and especially the karaoke, how fun. I am so grateful that you have had this time with your family, to really have some memories to treasure and to feel love and to be able to have some peace. 2019 was super full of emotion and learning and pain and all sorts of experiences for you, I do believe you have grown from these and that you will have the year 2019 as a benchmark if you like. To know that times have been really tough, you chose to stay, you worked hard and each obstacle that was presented to you you addressed, with courage, even though at the time it did not feel like that. Every single human on this earth has bad days, sad days, will you have some too..sure..but I think you are in full understanding of what is a bad day and what is a problem...as I have said before, you emotional intelligence is beyond your years as to your wisdom and this has served you well, as will in the future.

Safe travels home with your sister, I am sure you are going to be seeing a lot more Tik Tok's in that time...arrggg...my daughter is obsessed and it is like the app is permanently on in her head where she dances and does random moves and looks like she is having a seizure in the street!!! I am glad to read her ankle is better and that she too has had a wonderful time in Japan.

Every best wish to your grandfather, I hope that your mum can get some answers before she leaves to come home too and leave him knowing he has some support and is ok, that must be very worrying for her...and for you too. I am finding that my grandmother, who is almost 90 is doing a bit of the same and rejecting help and makes excuses for not needing it or wanting it, I am not sure if they think all roads lead to a retirement home or a care facility and they are scared of that...not sure but it is very hard to manage and get them to get some help, however small or large.

Chat soon Hannah and again, safe trip home xx

Hugs as always

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I've safely arrived back home with my sister. Back to Australia's stinking hot summers. My sister sounds exactly like your daughter, constantly in TikTok mode haha. We even made a few in the airport and on the plane.

My mum took my grandpa to the doctor yesterday and apparently everything is under control which is a relief. My mum is now making sure there is a plan in place for when she leaves. It is hard when they don't want help or are in denial of any problems, its made it a lot harder for mum.

My time in Japan was great and a bit of a break for my mind. I still had some difficulties while over there but the main problem of suicidality wasn't as strong which was nice. Now I'm back in Australia I've got to get my life together. I've got to get ready for Winnie to arrive, we're going puppy shopping tomorrow to get some bits and pieces, very exciting. I also have to get the TAFE course I want to do organised because its due to start at the end of this month. I have to start looking for a new job too, I'm looking into hotel receptionist or something in tourism. I've got to start getting my hours up on my license, not being able to drive is getting really inconvenient. And I've got to get back into therapy, another stay at the sub-acute clinic is a possibility.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so sorry for the tardy reply, I have been thinking of you and how proud I am about all the wonderful things that you have thought about that you are going to be putting in place now you are home, from getting a job to your licence and getting ready for that adorable little Winnie to arrive, I can't wait to hear all about that.

This year has a whole new fresh flavour for you I feel, the fact that you can see how far you have come and that you can reflect and acknowledge last year and the trauma and the lessons that you have learnt, about you and about life. I really cannot say how inspiring you are Hannah and it is such a credit to you and "team Hannah".

Yes Tik Tok does rule our house, I did get sucked in to doing two last night, ah well, it makes us laugh which is always a good thing.

Speaking of jobs, my son went for his first job interview yesterday and I was so proud of some of the answers that he said he gave. When I got home they had called him and he was doing his online induction, so that is so wonderful, I am so proud of him. It is at Hungry Jacks so that will start his part time working life off, give him some cash and then he can stop asking me for money..lol.

Huge hugs to you Hannah and I am looking forward to the "tails of Winnie"..see what I did there..lol

Sarah xxx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

If you would like to talk with us some more that would be wonderful -though only if you felt like it, these is never any obligation.

I've been wondering how you have been adapting back to Normal Life™ after that lovely and exotic visit to your grandparents. I'd expect that some of the very strangeness of it all would have driven many of the problems you have been facing out of your mind, while giving you new ones like your grandfather's health.

So how are you getting on?

Croix クロス

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

Winnie arrived last week and she is the most wonderful puppy! She is very playful but with a good temperament and also very very cute. We've been having lots of fun together.

I recently enrolled in TAFE which will start at the beginning of next month, I'm excited to learn about stuff I'm actually interested in.

This year is a new year like you said, even if it doesn't go as planned and I end up back in hospital or something again, this time I'll have my experiences under my belt to guide me back to safety.

TikTok funnily enough has become one of the main activities I go to when trying to distract myself from unwanted thoughts and urges. Most of the time I feel better just by playing around and making fun TikToks.

I'm glad your sons first job interview went well! Hungry Jacks will be a good starting point with working life and being able to earn and save money is very exciting. Job interviews are so terrifying so the fact that he was able to not only survive it, but do well in it is amazing.

At the moment I'm looking at a job either as a hotel receptionist, Doctors receptionist or at a travel agency. I'm taking my time easing back into work.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

So sorry it took me a long time to reply.

I'm slowly easing myself back into "Normal life", not that I know much of what my new out of school "Normal life" is like. As I mentioned to Sarah, I received Winnie about a week ago and so far, so good. She is so so so cute and I love her so much! A few of my friends have come over to meet her and have said the same thing. She is currently asleep under my bed (one of her favourite places to be).

My grandpa has gotten tested for Parkinson's and we'll likely get the results soon. Either way, one of my uncles may move into my grandparents house and live with them to help them with everything. My family, especially mum, are feeling much better about the situation now.

Being away put me in a bit of a different headspace. My usual sadness, anxiety and suicidality were there but felt different in a weird way. Now that I'm back I've kind of been going downhill mentally. I might have another stay in the sub-acute unit next week or the week after, we'll see.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I'm please to hear from you. Also that you now have Winnie, who is going to make a big difference. Having a playful 'monster' lurking under the bed is fun.

[Lecture mode on -sigh.] You are gradually building up ways to keep control. Thinking you got through last year -and did well - despite your conviction you would never make it. Being more open about things, TikTok... the list goes on. Your places of retreat, such as sub-acute are there.

Now you have things to study you like, which makes a huge difference. One can put up with an awful lot to do that.

You did say while you were away you felt different, with your usual anxiety, sadness and suicidality not the same.

From reading your posts from over there I get the feeling they took more of a back seat -am I mistaken?

It's something to think abut. Your usual feelings are at least in part a reaction to your usual life. Being in Japan was a pointer to the fact that your usual life is only a tiny fraction of the whole world. [Lecture mode off -hooray]

What do you think? Anything in that you can use or can be a comfort?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

It is really great to hear from you and even better to hear that Winnie is home..yay!! She sounds like she is really making a positive impact to you and your family. You sound really happy Hannah and the plans you are making with the TAFE course as well as hunting down a job, this is all really great news.

AGGGHHH Tik Toks...they have been my life too, I must say tho that they are so fun and my daughter loves them, they do keep your mind busy with learning the moves and then doing your own one too, I am so glad that you have this to keep you busy too, and they are fun, I am even sure that Winnie will be appearing in some too..lol

As you said, even if something happens this year and you find yourself back in a place of darkness you do have so many tools and so much awareness, that I think you will perhaps notice something is not quite right before you get back to that place that you have been in before. As you said though, should it happen you have some great skills to help you through, and as we have said to in past messages, people go on to live happy lives after severe depression and attempts on their lives, I think you are also proof of that too.

I feel more positive about this year too, I am not sure if it is psychosomatic in that last year was so bad that anything is better, but I feel like there is something perhaps about the tragedy of the fires maybe and seeing the love and the kindness and people getting around others to help. This is really something we haven't seen here.

Huge hugs to Winnie and to you too Hannah and it really is so wonderful to hear you so bright and with plans that excite you for this year...awesome!

Chat soon

Sarah xxxx