Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you.

The Katsu chicken rice bowl usually isn’t served with chilli sauce, if any. It’s usually served with a bit of egg on top and maybe some leek on top. The added sauces on a lot of Japanese food is the Westernisation version of it. For example, the only sauce Japanese usually put on sushi is soy sauce and or wasabi, but in Australia it’s often served with “teriyaki” sauce or crap tonnes of mayo.

Mt Fuji is big enough that it can be seen on very clear days from my grandparents rooftop. My Fuji does have a massive impact on culture. Japan is very proud of Mt Fuji and is often used a symbol of Japan as well as the rising sun.

I’ve got different wildlife in the area I live, no possums in sight. I think they’re pretty cute and tiny, I just imagined them wearing tiny army boots, pretty funny. I reckon native Australian trees are some of the most beautiful, I can picture the kind of yard you have.

My grandma had cancer somewhere in her tummy a few years back so I don’t know exactly why but she can’t go far during the day. She likes going out nearby though to the shops and things.

A lot of my family are coming over tonight. I’m excited but a little nervous, I don’t know how they’ll react to seeing me. I can’t remember if I explained earlier but we had to cancel the last trip because I was in the sub acute clinic after an attempted suicide. My mum had to tell all of my family and they’ve been very worried. Hopefully they’re all good with everything.

I don’t have much of a word count left so I’ll explain what I’ve done the pst few days in my post replying to Sarah.

I’m sure you’ll be able to find another thing to lecture on, you’re very wise after all 🙂

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hey Sarah,

I’m glad you had a really good Christmas, a mix of inevitable emotion as you’re processing this tough time.

Chicken Katsu dishes are some of my favourite to eat in Japan, there is so much good food!!!!!! I have to stop myself too often from overeating haha.

Your’s and Croix’s constant support and kindness has really helped me get through this year and achieve all the things I’ve gotten. This year has been the toughest year of my life but full of many lessons and real tough life coming out to play. I don’t think a lot of the lessons I’ve learnt usually come to people this young but I’m grateful for all of my experiences. I’m trying my best to take everything in the now and take it hour by hour at the moment (following my DBT therapist’s advice).

Family is really important, I’ve realised that through my experiences too. I try and cherish the time I have overseas with them. I think I’ll realise it more as I come out of my “rebellious” teenage years and move out, I’ll probably miss them a lot and visit home all the time for my mum to do my laundry haha just kidding, kinda. I’m sorry you had to go through something so difficult to get to where you are now.

On Thursday my family took a bit of a rest day to sort out some things. We went on a little outing to a nearby neighbourhood. It’s an old area but quite recently a hit with the tourists. It has a lot of interesting little classic shops, houses and shrines. Yesterday we went to an area in outer Tokyo called Yokohama. It’s got a massive Chinatown (one of the biggest in the world I think). It’s a unique, kind of westernised town. I’ll explain the rest of my trip next time because all of my family is arriving now!

Give your cats an extra treat and some love from me!

Thank you,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

I am so very jealous of all of the wonderful food you are getting to experience, over eat as much as you can, you know it will not be as good as it is in Japan and yes, we do Westernise food so badly here..ah well..but really..enjoy every bite.

Thank you for the lovely words about us supporting you this year, can I take this moment though to say how much in fact you have helped me this year and Croix too, see this is the true work of community here and real life proof that together we are stronger and together we can get through the darkest of days...it is proof as we do it every day and we should feel proud that we are here for each other. I have learnt so very much from you too Hannah and you essentially took the words from me in that you have experienced so much for a person your age and you have had some extreme challenges thrown at you this year and you have risen above it all, and with so much knowledge and wisdom that you have gained this year you are armed for ..well dare I say it..anything...your strength and tenacity is outstanding.

I had to laugh at the washing comment tho...I must confess that for probably the first three years I was out of home I would drop a dirty laundry basket at my mum's house on a Friday and on Sunday afternoon it was delivered to me all washed, ironed and on hangers all ready for the week to come.....hmmmmm.....not very proud moment but thankful to my dear mum for doing that for me...guess I have to paid it forward now...

Hope that you are having a great time and that you were able to manage the feelings of the unknown when you were to see your family and them knowing about your personal story. Can I suggest to you though that they met you with love?? I am looking forward to hearing about that and how you felt.

Tomorrow night is NYE and I will be at home with my kids and the cats..I really don't like it as mostly all the people who never drink go out and do silly things and get themselves into situations that can be avoided by not drinking to excess..ok sarah!!!..rant over.....what does the New Year look like celebration wise in Japan?

huge hugs to you Hannah and Happy New Year....

Sarah xxx

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It sounds like you are having a lovely time, and just as important, realizing the significance of this family time in your later life. It is something to be cherished.

Although complain about the possums tap-dancing in thier boots I do have a certain sympathy. I have lots of trees and shrubs in the garden, unfortunately one tree became a giant and started to spread its branches over my workshop. As it got even bigger it started to cover the house, a dangerous situation as these trees are not deep-rooted.'

So hte tree was felled. Sadly the possums had been using it as their home.

However they quickly took over the roof space of my workshop. Possums are messy and knock things down, but I let them stay. Fair's fair, I did take away their original house.

Wildlife brings things alive. The prettiest birds we get are 'Superb Wrens', the male in gorgeous blue and his hens in drab grey.

The only think I know about Yokohama is it is the setting for a very contemplative manga called Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I’m glad as well that we’ve all been able to come together and support each other this year. I’m sure it’s made this year just that little bit easier for all of us. The past few hours I’ve been reflecting on the decade, it feels like an equal amount happened in the first 9 years as this past year. I’m grateful for the experiences even the tough ones, but I’m very happy to leave them behind and take the lessons they’ve taught me to the new next chapter of my life. Let’s hope the skills will help me survive anything that comes my way, like you said.

I’m sure I’ll be doing the exact same with my washing haha.

Meeting with my family went alright. They all treated me the same and were happy to see me. They were very loving, also very proud of me for graduating and getting into university.

For NYE, back in Aus all of my friends are out at house parties getting drunk which does sound kind of fun to slightly crazy teen me. Instead I will be sitting in my grandparents living room watching the annual NYE singing competition between female and male singers on TV, to be honest, quite entertaining. I will also be having traditional NYE meal of soba (thin brown noodles with sauce) and tempura (deep-fried food). Your NYE sounds quite relaxing and nice as well.

On Saturday I went to a nearby area called Ueno which is a super busy area with loads of shops and things. In the evening I had that big family party. On Sunday some of my family and cousins were with us and we went to an amusement park. I went on this massive roller coaster and screamed the whole way. My sister (12) and my oldest cousin (14) rode with me and pissed themselves laughing as I was screaming and even shed a few tears, they made fun of me the rest of the day. Nevertheless, was one of my favourite days of the trip, my inner child is truly satisfied. Yesterday I met up with one of my friends and went on the Tokyo Skytree (one of the tallest buildings in the world) and explored nearby town, Asakusa. I had a lot of fun that day too. I had this sushi dish with nearly 10 different types of fresh raw fish lined up with a bowl of miso soup and cup of green tea for about $15! It was so delicious, favourite meal so far this holiday! I also had a piece of melon bread with cream inside, yummm. Today I went to probably the most touristy spot in Tokyo called Shibuya. I did a LOT of shopping but I’m very happy with what I bought. I also went to a very yummy buffet pizza restaurant.

Happy New Year,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I am having quite a good time, cherishing my family as much as I can. I explained in my last post to Sarah an update of what I’ve been doing, it’s been a lot of fun stuff recently.

It’s a shame you had to cut that tree down, but understandable. Living amongst the possums must be a bit of a love-hate relationship then. They seem like they make your life pretty eventful though with their constant exploring of your house and workshop. What kinds of things do you do in your workshop?

I googled the Superb Wrens. They do look truly gorgeous. I used to live in the middle of a rainforest so I know what you mean when you say ‘Wildlife brings things alive’. I used to have kangaroos, snakes, frogs, butterflies and more in my yard. I loved most of them. Now I’ve just got an array of birds, some gorgeous like the sunbirds and some annoying like Curloos.

I’ve never heard of that manga, I’ll look into it, in what way is it contemplative?

Happy New Year,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Happy New Year to you too Hannah

You sound so very happy and like you are having such a wonderful time with your family. The rollercoaster sounds so fun and I did have to laugh and your sister and cousin laughing at you..lol...(oops..I am not allowed to type lol...apparently it is for old people..)

This year has been pretty ...well..I actually dont have words tbh....but there are times like when I think of your journey that give me hope and your journey is what I base alot of what I write to other young adults about, there is hope Hannah and you have shown that to me. I have no idea what is must be like to have to be in a sub acute unit, to visit doctors and..well I don't need to spell it out as you have lived it, and survived it, there is tomorrow and there is hope.

I am hoping that you are putting some of this awesome stuff in your book and that if you need to reflect and have some good things to read that you can see this trip as a real injection of love and brilliant family time and just life, pure enjoyment in life. I am so happy you are having that, you deserve it so much.

The food and the singing competition sounds like the perfect way to spend NYE..how special.

Every best wish to you and to your family Hannah, I am so happy that they greeted you with love when they saw you...of course..I did kind of know that they would. xxx

Happy New Year Hannah xx

Lots of love

Sarah xx

[Croix]

Dear Hannan

Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō is a series of stories about humans going about their business in a world that is winding down, seen through the eyes of a humanoid immortal robot who runs a coffee shop. Although technically science fiction it is just about people and doing things.

You can see it all on YouTube (with English subtitles)

I'm glad you are with your grandparents on NYE, I guess it is part of cherishing.

The possums are just fine, they look down with little furry faces and I don't mind them at all (even in army boots). Sadly I do not do much in my workshop nowadays, I have limited moment, so there is just about every tool imaginable, most of which I can no longer use -frustrating. But just fine for the rooftop tenants who do not like being disturbed and hiss and carry on.

You have given me a lot of locations to look up:)

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry it’s taken me a while to reply again. My time so far has definitely been great. New Years was full of lots of traditions and family time. On the 1st we had some traditional food and went to the local shrine which was packed with what seemed like the whole community coming together. On the 2nd all of my family came over for a big New Years party. We ate and drank lots, it was a lot of fun. Today I went and did some shopping with my family and cousins and then tonight we went to karaoke. It was my first time but I’ll definitely be back, I think my voice might be gone by tomorrow haha.

2019 was a big year. I think I’d describe it as the year of experiences that taught me some of my most valued lessons and morals. I learnt and experienced so much that I’m still kind of processing everything. I’m glad you are able to help others with my story, it’s put a big smile on my face. I don’t regret or want to take back any of my experiences from 2019 because nearly everything has taught me something, but I sure as hell do not want to relive it.

I had a bit of a crap day the other day for no particular reason. It was the first day of the year which for most is one of the most motivating days. For some reason it was what I’d call a ‘bad mental health day’. I felt sad, tired, suicidal and homesick. I don’t really have anyone to reach out to immediately in Japan so I was feeling pretty helpless. I had to get through it myself, I realised though that 2020 might throw the same tough things it threw at me in 2019, maybe even harder, but I survived that so I should be able to survive it again armed with everything I learnt from last time. It made it harder being NY day as well, because it’s when you’re meant to feel at your best and ‘New Year, New Me’. But once again I had a realisation that a change in the date won’t change me or my life, I will.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Yokohama Kaidashi Kikō sounds really interesting. I’ll try and watch it when I get back and get some decent internet.

Being with my grandparents for the past few weeks has been good. I spent some quality time with them and the rest of my family over New Years as well. I’ve also been very luckily rewarded with lots of Otoshidama from all of my family and friends. New Years was full of lots of delicious food too, too many to try and remember and write down. My mood around NY was not so great like I explained to Sarah but I got through it.

It’s a shame you can no longer use much in your workshop, I’m sure the tools were once put to good use though. The possums sound happy stomping around your house and workshop.

I have probably given you the name of every popular tourist location in Tokyo to look up! It’s a very small but big place at the same time.

Thank you,

Hannah