Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I don't think I'm that good with words. Probably because I constantly compare myself. I was in the top "Honours" English class in high school but I was one of the worst in the class because they were all geniuses, therefore my mind tells me I'm crap at writing. I'll think about writing in the Happy Memories thread, which part of the forum is it in? When I try to think of a happy memory to write about, all the ideas disappear. I'm sure I can come up with something.

When I was younger I wanted to be a famous writer,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Sarah,

Grieving sounds tough and complicated. I'm lucky enough to never have had anyone in my immediate family suffer with significant illness or death, so I have no idea the amount of pain you and your family and friends are in at the moment. It must be so difficult to keep going and even support others such as your father. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, it has been a tough year so the lovely surprise of my final score is very welcomed.

It's crazy how many people suffer or have previously suffered with ill mental health. I think pretty much everyone in the world would know someone or personally deal with mental illness sometime in their life. It would be great if there was a simple solution.

Japan in less than a week! We've cancelled the ski trip, instead we're getting a hire car to experience Tokyo a different way. My sister and I have only probably been in a car in Japan 2 or 3 times despite spending upwards of a year of my life there. It will also be good because my sister might not have to walk too much with a car. It should be good, but pretty cold.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

>I don't think I'm that good with words.

Um. The reason I though of you is that your description of your grandparents and activities around Christmas and New year were so vivid. If you simply pasted them in to the thread it would more than suffice. Your experiences are exotic to many -outside their normal lives, and they could get pleasure just from from that. As well there is pleasure in seeing that you writing about something you loved and enjoyed -it's infectious!

The thread is where I wrote about Christmas

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

There is no pressure, it was just a thought and no obligation at all. It does point out one thing though, your view of yourself is not accurate, you are miles better, more accomplished and empathetic than you might believe.

You also scored quite OK in your results -despite everything. If I remember you were very worried about those.

A hire car in Tokyo and around. That is certainly going to be a fresh experience and I expect the best thing for your sister too under the circumstances. I hope she recovers quickly.

Have you made any TikToks?

Earlier on you mentioned memory problems, which I had badly at one stage, then it was all paper notes as reminders or just simple records of how I was feeling. Now of course the smartphone rules. As I've improved so has my memory, not quite perfect but good enough. Still use reminders.

I love the way you give such sensitive support to Sarah, even though you have not had her experiences your ability to sense how to be is exactly right. I'm sure Sarah would not mind me saying that you give her solace and hope, a means of acting that takes her mind away and allows her to do something very worthwhile.

You help me too, just by showing courage and perseverance. You may be a famous writer yet:)

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

Grieving is tough, and complicated, and exhausting and brings up all sorts of things, some good but mostly emotional things that are tough to manage. This is the circle of life and as we don't live forever we are faced with the fact that we will all have to say goodbye to people in our lives that we love and care for. However, the good side of it is that you do pull together with the people that care about you, this is not always family but friends and even people that you have never met but impact your life so profoundly..people like you Hannah.

I am pleased that you know in advance that you are not going to be skiing as there will be no disappointment when you get to Japan, it is nice to know these things and to be able to manage them I think. I am so sorry your sister is in pain and will have her trip impacted by her ankle, make sure she walks around alot on the plane so it doesn't swell up and become an issue for her. I am sure that driving around you are going to see so much beautiful scenery, it will be a really great way to see Japan.

I just also want to acknowledge what Croix said about how much sensitive support you have given me Hannah and I am really so very very grateful. Your empathy is outstanding and you do seem to understand the pain and the suffering although have not experienced it yourself, well from death, but I guess you do very well understand pain and suffering. Being here and learning about your life and how you are coping really does help me and I thank you for that, for sharing your thoughts and your pain here and for allowing us to talk about your life and so very openly.

Huge hugs to you Hannah, you are a delight.

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your praise. I'll think about writing in that thread, still contemplating how good I am at writing. Thanks for the offer and encouragement.

My sister is slowly recovering, we're just glad it was only a bad sprain rather than a break. She's heading off to Japan with mum in two days and can't contain herself. Th car will be very helpful for my sister. We might be able to look around the outer suburbs or Tokyo a bit more in a car which is exciting. Dad just got his international drivers license ready for the trip.

I have made more TikToks, its one of my favourite past times at the moment. I've made dance ones, lipsyncing ones, comedy ones etc. My favourite are those where I kind of put some comedy or light onto my mental health struggles or experiences, most of those videos are private but they're funny to personally make and look back on. It's a weird coping mechanism, but it works. I wish I could send a few through here lol.

For my memory I'm having to use notes and reminders like you did. Using the ones on my smartphone are a lot easier because you have them with you 24/7. Sometimes when in therapy they ask what I have been doing in the past few days or at a certain time I use my calendar (which I put everything in) to remember. I'm really glad its improved a lot for you because it's very very very annoying!

I'm really glad I'm able to help and provide support for you and Sarah, it means a lot to me too. When I first got on the forums a few months ago I tried to respond and help a few other people here on the forums which I found very rewarding. I might get back into that, I just got scared I was making it worse.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I guess it s the circle of life, but it doesn't make it that much less tough when someone leaves, especially so young. I've heard the positive that it brings people together. When my grandmother passed away, my dad went back home to England for the funeral. He said it was sad but he was also able to reconnect with a lot of old friends and family. I'm glad I can help you through this tough time.

It is good that we've cancelled the ski trip before going. We're able to plan some more activities to do on the days we were going to go to the snow. My whole family is very excited. Thanks for the advice about walking around on the plane, I forgot about that. The car will be a really different and exciting way to travel Tokyo!

I am glad I can help and support you. You're very strong. I am grateful to be able to talk to you and Croix nearly every day. It means a lot to me as well being able to be there for others, it makes me feel a bit better about living.

Lots of love,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah

You give more support than you realise just here in your own thread, for every person that posts in the Forum there are many many more who just read and think on what they see.

The worry over doing harm is something anyone with a conscience will face. I was pretty tied up when I first started for that precise reason, however I found in time that being reasonable and drawing on your own experiences is enough. Answering those posts where you feel it has applied to you makes it OK. I started when someone had the same PTSD symptoms I'd had, and I was able to say what to expect - which was encouraging.

Feeling better about living, that comes in many ways, some of them surprising. It might sound silly but I found the fact that there were authors who thought like me and wrote books I enjoyed made me feel better about being alive, and that was just one thing of many.

So if helping others is a boost I'm delighted. There are nice surprises in this world and I expect in the next few weeks you are going to find many.

Apart from your family's place is there anywhere in Tokyo you would really like to visit? Perhaps bathing in a hot spring in the snow? Maybe a Kabuki show?

As for being a writer, perfection is not instant, in fact it might take lifetime, however that does not mean others will not enjoy what you do now. You enjoyed my Christmas, despite the typos and lack of formal structure. It just came out of me, and that was fine. Plus of course you learn by doing.

Will your sister need a stick?

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Thank you so very much again for your support and I agree totally with Croix, the advice you would be able to give to others, especially in the "Young People" space would be so very valuable. Having someone who is living in the same situation as many others your age and who are not able to talk to anyone and don't have the family support they need. Having someone who can relate is worth so very much. I am so very sure you would not be making the situation worse, as you know what you need in your dark times so you would be able to gauge what they perhaps need too, with your insight and your wisdom paired up with your emotional intelligence I highly doubt you would be anything but fantastic support.

My friends were actually talking about Japan at lunch time today as one of them has just come home from his holiday, he bought us back these key chains of a famous person that you get out of a vending machine, they are so very funny, I can remember her name but I want to say Naomi something???? anyway it is hilarious.

I can't wait to hear some of your stories, some of your experiences and how this trip goes for you and your family. How wonderful.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I want to help people, especially those struggling with their mental health, in my future career so I guess starting here would be good. I only really replied to those people whose struggles had some sort of similarity to my experience because otherwise I wasn't quite sure what to say other than provide support.

I've been really trying my best lately to make a "life worth living" (the basis of DBT) or even just one that I can enjoy or tolerate. It's funny what things you can come up with. So far that's been: spending time with others, cooking and eating good food, making/watching funny videos/TikToks, swimming and exploring. I think I'm naturally quite a curious person.

I think a lot of people connect well with books. I keep saying I need to get back into that but I haven't. I think I'll make it one of my New Years Resolutions to read a book a month or so. I remember as a kid I absolutely love reading and I'm pretty sure that hasn't gone away. I'll head to the local library as soon as I get back from Japan.

My family and I usually go to the usual tourist and shopping spots as well as a few hidden gemstone local places. I'm not sure they'll have any Kabuki shows on at the moment because its Christmas and New Years holidays. I had a look the other day and there might be a ballet we can go to. If we get the hire car we might stay overnight at an onsen place just outside Tokyo, snow is a bit too far away from Tokyo. We're also planning on visiting a few museums if we can.

My sister was using a walking stick the past few days to get around but she okay now, just a bit of a limp. Her and mum are heading to Japan today actually. I've stuck around with dad for a few more days because he has to work and I've been invited to a few parties.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for all your kind words. When I get back from Japan I'll try and start responding to people and helping them through rough times as much as I feel like I can.

I'm not very knowledgeable on famous Japanese people but the famous half Japanese, half Haitian tennis player Naomi Osaka comes to mind. She was born in Japan and raised in America I think but she represents Japan when playing tennis. I'm pretty sure she is third best in the world at the moment and has made most of Japan very proud. She is very famous over there and getting loads of money from sponsorships. I wouldn't be surprised if there were key chains of her. She seems really nice though.

I'm keen to tell you guys all about Japan and my daily adventures when I'm there, I'll try and put in as much interesting things as I can. My responses may be a bit slow though because I think I'll be busy and I'm not sure how much wifi I'll have.

Thank you,

Hannah