Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah...at the airport..waiting to catch a flight...thinking of you and your Year 12 results that came out yesterday. Hope that either way you feel proud of you..in a year that was so full of challenges. Just reminding you of how proud i am of you.

Have a great Friday

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Because I'm in QLD, my final score actually comes out tomorrow, I'm extremely nervous. Thanks for your kind words.

What you said about the essence of children and their fearlessness reminds be of the quote, 'What would you do if you knew you could not fail'. The first time I was told that I was mind blown. I think my essence of childhood faded away quicker than usual so hearing that quote when I was about thirteen/fourteen with dreams to be successful in dance and school really motivated me to do my best. It paid off back then because I ended up really progressing in dance and at school being Dux of Japanese, Science, Maths and Dance over those two years. Maybe I need to think of the quote more these days, then again I do need to prioritise my mental health but I guess I could try both.

I hope you had a safe flight,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for all of the compliments and support, means a lot.

I don't think I can ever change mum into a non- fix it type. I can only probably add to her skill set, listening.

In the future I was thinking about social work because of the impact they've had in my life and recovery. I hope I'd be good at helping people in need.

Thanks for the suggestion, no I do not do that. I have kind of tried sometimes writing down the things that have helped and I save all of her text messages but writing down my feelings in conjunction wit what she said might be useful. I'll give it a go. We kind of do it when we go over times I've self-harmed or attempted suicide. We look at my vulnerabilities, thoughts feelings and emotions and of course the events that led up to the event. It is interesting to look at the patterns.

Thank you,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I was going to give you my good wishes for tomorrow and your results, then I realized I'd missed the point.

It is the fact you have reached this stage that is the important thing.

Anyone that knows you, and maybe even the fact that a year ago you did not believe you could be here, will realise the magnitude of your success.

Paper awards are important, but very much second to this.

Maybe the only thing you mother needs to learn is that listening is fixing -perhaps not in the way she wanted or intended, but in the only way possible. She needs to see what the goals of fixing are.

Writing down by yourself for yourself the feelings ideas, events, then the way your therapist helped, is a very different thing from before.

Do you think maybe you can be more honest, you are not limited by time, you can go back and alter, and it does not all have to happen during a conversation -insights may come to you later when doing something else - helpful fragments.

You are already helping people, and it is your honesty that is the reason. As an example we both have felt trapped when the means of taking our lives are not available - how many more have felt that way and thought it was only them.

With the proper training you can be dynamite!

成長

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hey Hannah

Thanks so very much for your safe flight thoughts, I am back home now after what was a very emotional day yesterday, I just wished my brother had of known how loved he was and how much he is missed and how his leaving this life has impacted so many other lives, he touched so many hearts.

I am sure you have your results now and I hope that as I said, either way you are proud of you. It is just a number on a paper, it is no reflection of what an amazing person you are and no indication of how hard you tried and most certainly no representation of what the future holds for you. It is a moment in time, of how well you sat a test.....please remember life is more than that number.

That really is a wonderful quote and I hope you can get some inspiration from what you would do if you could not fail...only in a positive way though Hannah, only in a positive way.

Wow..Dux in Japanese, that is such an extremely hard language and what an achievement...wow....but also something you can use in your everyday life as you will travel many more time to Japan I am sure, how wonderful to be able to communicate in the language. It must not be long at all until you are off on your trip, I hope you have some wonderful wonderful times there this time too, it sounds like you will.

Chat soon

Sarah xx

[Croix]

Dear Hanna~

I promised I'd answer about my Christmas, I finally remembered and you will find it here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-/page/24

at the bottom of page 24

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

Thank you, I still can't believe I've reached this point. I got a pretty good result, one which gets me into the courses I want so I consider it a success.

Next time I talk to or text my case manager or DBT therapist I'll write down my feelings and thoughts and how they helped. Sounds like a good idea.

I try my best to be honest, I think one of the things that holds me back a lot is my memory. My mental health has really taken a toll on the way I can function with things like memory and concentration. I'll keep working hard though to find those helpful fragments.

I'm glad I can help people even though my mind tells me opening up makes everything worse for everyone and that I'd never bring any benefit to anyone's life by sharing my story or just trying to help others. It tells me I'm bad at everything and I'd never be able to help anyone. It's hard to keep going despite those thoughts.

I read your beautifully descriptive post about Christmas, it sounds quite delightful. It seems very different to the hot, sweaty Christmases in Australia. I can imagine how grand of a day it was.

ありがとう,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm glad you had a safe trip. All my love and support to you and your family and friends during this really difficult time. Make sure you leave some time to care for yourself and grieve and heal from the emotional pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your brother was a beautiful man.

Luckily my score was pretty good and will probably get me into the university courses I want. I did have a few sad moments as I compared myself to many of my friends who did amazingly on the tests. I'm trying to remind myself that I did the best I could. Jeez, one of the tests I did I had a panic attack left the room for 15 minutes and tears streamed down my face as I tried to finish the test, despite that I got one of the highest scores in the grade. I'm happy with how I did/

If I could not fail, I'm not actually sure what I'd do, I haven't thought about it in a while (well only in a negative way oops). Maybe I'd find a cure/prevention for mental illness or cancer because they're both some of the shittiest things that you can experience in my opinion, especially as a child or adolescent.

When I was getting Dux of all those subjects I was pretty damn happy. At the time I was suffering with early anxiety and eating problems which I didn't realise until recently but I did really well despite them.

This time in a week I'll be taking off to Japan! I've started thinking of and organising things I want to do while I'm over there. I'm meeting up with three friends that I met while on exchange there a few years ago, I'm very excited to see them because they're university students now! However, my trip to the snow might be cancelled. My sister did extremely well in the end of year show and I'm very very proud of her, except in one of the final dances she sprained her ankle quite badly. Because of that and the fact she already has a lot of other growing pains and things, skiing/snowboarding might be too hard. Mum was talking about instead going on a small trip out of Tokyo to relax, maybe Mt Fuji.

Lots of love,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

It occurs to me that you are pretty good with words, which gave me the idea to write about my memories in the Happy Memories thread. If you felt like it you might do the same. Anything you like. Pleasure spills out from one to another.

You never know, you might end up another Jippensha Ikku.

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

Thank you so very much for those beautiful words and your love and support for me and my family. It was such and emotional time and I have trouble sometimes going between the sadness and devastation and the anger that I feel as he has left my father in such a state. So it is kind of like having two things to grieve, the loss of my brother and almost the loss of my father as he will never be the same again, he is totally broken now. It is great that we can have some family time and do the things like the tree plant to remember him and to honor him. He was so loved and touched so many hearts, I just hope he knew that. It was so wonderful to see all his friends and to catch up with them too, he indeed was a beautiful and intelligent man.

Congratulations on your score, I am so proud of you, not for the score but because you are genuinely happy with it, which is so very very wonderful. You had a really tough year and you have come out the other end with resilience and strength and did better than you thought, which is so awesome. The test in which you had the panic attack sounds so very traumatic and I am so sorry that happened to you, it really is so hard when these situations put us into such a frenzy.

That is so heart felt that if you could not fail you would choose to deal with mental illness or cancer, wow, you are so very special and so wonderful Hannah, a real heart of gold. I agree tho, mental illness would be also on my list too, as you can see just from the forum here how many people are effected, and that is just a snippet of how many people are suffering in Australia let alone the world.

Japan is coming around so very quickly, I hope that your sister will be ok and that her injury will not impact her holiday too much, how disappointing for her as well as for you with the skiing/boarding...however My Fuji does sound awesome and I am sure will be breathtaking, an equally good thing to do!!

Lots and lots of love and hugs

Sarah xx