Challenging unhelpful thoughts

[Doolhof]

Who comes up with these terms and phrases like "Unhelpful thoughts" and "sometimes foods" . Why can't we just say it as it is!

I feel so damned depressed and down right now I don't want to be here any more. My mood is telling me that I need a truck load of Some times food...all the chocolate, mud cake, Tim Tams, Mars Bars, Bounties and Hedgehog slices I can find. That is just for today.

I'm trying to fight this depression. I really am. It has such a hold on me right now it is like wrestling a tiger.

I've just had two weeks in a local hospital where unfortunately the only thing they had to offer for mental health issues was little pills and a glass of water to calm me down, a 5 minute chat with a nurse if she had time, advise to look in a magazine, think happy thoughts, go for a walk out on the locked verandah area, have a cup of tea and see if there is something nice to watch on t.v.

All very helpful ideas if you are mildly depressed, but when you are beyond the unhelpful thoughts and feelings, it was like trying to put a cork in a volcano.

Now I am home and trying not to go crazy. I have been using the phone help lines. One lady recognises me now as soon as she answers and hears my voice!

All I want to do all day is to cry, to scream, to sleep, to take more pills to make the pain and the hours in the day disappear.

This is a horrid way to try to live.

I'm trying to get some fresh air, do a bit of gardening, eat mostly healthy food, plan something pleasant to do each day and all those good things.

This darn depression, the sadness, the dark clouds of misery, the sense of no hope and no point keep hanging around. I wish they would take off and let me have some peace for a while.

I feel like I am running out of energy to keep fighting this. But fight I must. I can't give up. That feels like an option, but I know it is not the way to go.

Next Friday I am seeing a psychologist. An appointment I made way back in November. Hope she has some ideas on how to beat this.

"Unhelpful Thoughts" just doesn't express it enough.

I doubt the moderators would publish the words I would like to use right now to express my depression!

[Doolhof]

Hi TA,

The visit with my husband's friend was weird. Firstly he came with his son, not his wife. I had set the table up for afternoon tea and made food for us. When they arrived, the son knocked on the door and said his Dad couldn't even get out of the car.

My husband went out and talked to them both while they sat in the car. The guy mainly wanted to buy something off my husband for his collection. After about half an hour they left again. I wasn't really sure what I should have done, gone out and said hello or just left them to it as I did.

Regarding my back, you name it and have probably tried it over the last 30 years of back pain. This new muscle pain has me frustrated, especially so as it is worse when I am lying down. My lower back and left leg feel like I have been whacked over and over by a sledge hammer during the night.

I'd rather have sciatica than that pain. For those of you who have had sciatica, you know how bad that is in itself.

As I am currently unemployed, I don't have money for all the treatment I need for my back and my mental health. I feel like I am stuck in a never ending cycle at times. Have trouble working due to my back pain, leave work, need work to pay for my treatments!

Guess I will work on counting my blessings a little later! Ha. Ha. There are many, some days I just forget they are there!

Cheers from Mrs. D.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mrs D

Hope u don't mind me jumping in here but I have been reading your thread for a while.

I have a lot of trouble challenging unhelpful thoughts too especially when I'm in pain.

I know the pain of sciatica and lower back pain very well. I went un diagnosed for a long time following a injury. Eventually it was found a compressed nerve was the cause

I continue to have a lot of pain and it is indeed a juggling act of working to pay bills then unable to work because of increased pain.

Round and round and then add anxiety and depression to really make it interesting.

Sorry not really helping more just wanting to sympathise but if I may say after reading many of your posts I can see you have a really positive attitude and maybe you are doing better than u think

I'm guessing you've tried a lot of treatments like I have and some probably help for a while then not but we have to keep trying in case the next one is the right one

Thats the trouble with chronic pain it makes you desperate to try anything or at least it did with me .

So all the best and

Be kind to your self

Stressless

[Doolhof]

Hi Stressless,

You are more than welcome here as is everyone. Thanks so much for your post. I really appreciate the words you wrote. In 2000 I had an operation on my lower back to relieve the sciatic nerve as it had become so painful I could not use my left leg very well and dragged it around everywhere.

As the joints have deteriated further, the sciatic nerve is being pinched again. Like I mentioned, this other pain is worse than sciatica. I am thankful I don't have that pain 24 hours a day like the sciatica, so that is something to be appreciative of!

I do try to be positive, some days it is just a bit too difficult. Like you mentioned Chronic Pain makes you desperate to try anything. I don't like the limitations it sometimes presents. Most days I get on with it and take a bucket load of pills, other days it is just too much.

Walking and exercise are great even if I have to rest for a while after to recover. Ha. Ha.

I'm planning on a walk later today. The sun is shining so it will be lovely.

If you want to share some of your unhelpful thoughts, we might be able to solve them together or at least find options.

My unhelpful thought for today could be: Why go for a walk when I know it is going to cause me physical pain in my back and sciatica?

The answers for me are:

It will benefit the rest of my bpdy to exercise and my back needs strengthening as well.

I can look around and enjoy nature while I am walking.

I will feel grateful in the end that I do go.

I need to walk off the chocolate I ate yesterday!

My mind may tell me I don't need to go walking, today I am going to listen to my mind and decide a walk is a good thing to do.

As Stressless and others have mentioned, I need to be kind to myself. Taking care of myself is part of that.

Cheers to you Stressless, thanks.

From Mrs. D.​

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mrs D

Thank you for your gracious reply . Like I said I have been reading this thread for a while . I have so many unhelpful thoughts it's hard to pick one to challenge 😱

ok this one I have all the time ." I will never amount to anything "

This was drummed into me as a child by a parent and now every time I fail at something or get sick, depressed, anxious and don't function well this echoes in my head.

Sometimes it lays me out for a while but back before I had all of the above conditions and more I was like a bull with a red flag

If u told me I couldn't do something I would move heaven and earth to prove u wrong . Started with proving parent wrong I guess.

These days not quiet so courageous but I only need to look where I was to see where I am now.

i am lucky to live close to beach and it is a rare day when I'm not out walking my dog as the sun comes up This is my time to think and try to heal or just be .

small steps in the sand equals larger steps into that scary place called the world I reason.

Thanks for letting me share

Hope your day was in some ways Positive!

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Doolhof]

Hi Stressless,

You and All People on this forum are more than welcome to post here. I'm so pleased that you feel comfortable enough to do so Stressless. You may encourage others to join in and share their unhelpful thoughts.

Growing up with a parent, a teacher,. a friend or who ever that continually puts us down can be very demoralising and can affect us our whole lives.

Like you have also mentioned, these interactions can make us do different things in our lives, like to be angry, retreat, drink to forget, retreat into a shell and so many other things.

Maybe it feels worse coming from a parent as our (my) belief is that a parent is there to help us, guide, nurture, acknowledge, praise, love and adore us, not put us down and make us feel inferior.

For years I struggled with my relationship with my Mum. Basically I was born a girl and not a boy like she had wanted. Now as I have grown older I realise my Mum was doing the best she could do with the person she was and with her own experiences. That does not excuse some of the things she has said to me, but it helps me to understand.

The early morning walks along the beach sound like excellent therapy to me. As you walk along, think of some of your achievements. They don't have to be huge.

Remind yourself that you are worthwhile, that what your parent said to you as a child may have been due to their own insecurities. If they are still alive and saying similar stuff, tell yourself you can listen to them, but you don't have to take it to heart.

Like you also mentioned, look at your life then and compare it to how you are now. Maybe that negativity helped shape you into a person who does care for others and is more aware of what is happening around you.

Without pain we have less appreciation for the joys in life. Maybe a little less pain would do the same thing! Ha. Ha.

Lovely chatting with you Stressless and same with all people here. It is a great place to just be ME.

Cheers, from Mrs. D.

[Guest_3712]

Hi Mrs D

Its interesting that you mention I feel comfortable posting here, because for quiet a while that wasn't the case and even now at times I'm not sure. This is my second time around with BB. I started here back in2013 and for various reasons stopped posting. I kept reading for a while and then that stopped too.

Recently I came back on line during a conflicted time with my meds and some familiar "faces" were once again here to welcome me, whether they remembered me or not. I felt safe and comfortable. However those same little voices tell me from time to time , "you are not worthy of these good people's attention. There are people much worse than you. There are people who did not bring this on them selves like you did."

One parent is dead and the other is non verbal so the time of talking or getting any kind of answer for the abuse is long over. I have talked about this on other threads so won't take up the space here except to say , not knowing why is hard but would any answer be good enough ? Probably not.

Looking back even just 5 years ago I was unable to walk without a cane, ( forget walking on a beach ) hopelessly addicted to various meds and in / out of hospital for either surgeries or treatment for depression etc. I would sit for hours stoned out of my mind convinced I would never have the semblance of normal life again., so why try?

I guess looking back I did challenge those unhelpful thoughts and somehow claw back. As for the pain, you are so right. Anyone that has had chronic pain or un- diagnosed long term pain will know that all you ever think about is being pain free. Again I never thought that would happen for me. I am by no means free of pain but compared to how I was, it no longer defines me.

OMG I am getting quiet emotional here. I really haven't appreciated how far Ive come because sometimes the road ahead still seems to have so many road blocks. I have overcome a lot of physical problems , but the mental ones are what I'm really struggling with.

When I say I feel un-deserving it is because even though my psych says a lot of my addiction problems were not entirely my fault I find that hard to believe. This then all snow-balled into the depression anxiety etc that have left me in such a bad place - self inflicted wounds you might say. Obviously this is why I still need therapy- hopefully I haven't burn that bridge too.

Thanks for listening and hope all is well with you

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[Doolhof]

Hi Stressless,

Oh dear, I had written you an answer but I must not have pressed the "Post this reply button" and it has disappeared!

Thanks for sharing on the other thread I have started. My brain is that tired I can't even think what it is called now! Ha. Ha.

I will catch up with you again later. A headache is brewing so best to get off the computer for now.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[The_Abyss]

Hi Mrs D -

How is the headache? I hope you are feeling a little better today. And how is the back?

I read with interest your paragraph a few days back about your mum:

Now as I have grown older I realise my Mum was doing the best she could do with the person she was and with her own experiences. That does not excuse some of the things she has said to me, but it helps me to understand.

I too have a very poor relationship with my mother, but I had never considered it from her side. She had tried for me for a number of years, and it was only when she gave up that she fell pregnant. I arrived the day she and my father were booked to go on a holiday to the Greek Isle, a holiday they never manged to take. She got severe post natal depression, and blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life thereafter. Doing the best she could with what she had. Perhaps you are right and I need to cut her a bit of slack. Perhaps I also need to cut myself some slack, as I was never the mother to my kids that I wanted to be. Was I doing the best with what I had? I don't know, it's a very interesting thought to ponder.

I hope you manage that walk in the sunshine today, or perhaps get out to your garden....

all the best

TA

[Doolhof]

Hi TA,

Our relationships with out families can be "interesting" to say the least. Before me, my parents lost a bot who only lived for 4 days. Mum was soon pregnant again and along came me, a girl. Mum was more than likely going through her own personal hell, back then people just got on with their lives as best they could with little help.

My sister has told me things Mum has said. If I want to know anything, I ask my sister to ask Mum. One day my Mum did tell me some horrible things her Mum had done to her and her brother as well.

I feel sorry for Mum and all she went through, over the years I have felt great anger, hatred, wanted revenge and all of those things. I have kept my mouth shut. Why add more hurt and injury to a soul that has already been broken?

Instead I try to love my Mum as best I can. I appreciate the kindness when she shows it and try to ignore the hurt and pain when it is caused.

Being a parent may well be one of the most hardest things to do in this world. Yes, you may feel like you were not the parent you wanted to be. Do we have high expectations that are just not achievable?

Are you in contact with your children now? It is not too late to be the parent you want to be.

When I was recently in hospital my Mum called me a couple of times and showed how much she was thinking of me. I am over 50 years old. That has not happened before! Don't give up. Ponder for a while and think how you can make the most of your relationships today!

Think I will phone my Mum later today!

Cheers to you From Mrs. D.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Mrs D,

Yes, I see my children (and grandchild) regularly. I worked 70 hrs a week through much of their childhood. I was the disciplinarian, the one that organised their after school activities, their holidays and homework. I was the one who held their hair as they throw up, sat with them in hospital, rode in the helicopter when they were fighting for life. Despite this, my husband was the one who was actually there for them, who listened to their problems, and still does. He calls them, I text them. He has coffee with them, I hate coffee and can rarely spare the time. (He is a shift worker and home much more than me). I am looking forward to minding my granddaughter one day a week when her mum goes back to work later this year (although this restricts my work options). I had bad PND with my first born and it affected our relationship for years. It has only been more recently we have gotten on better,

As for my siblings and I, we are scattered to the wind. We maintain Facebook contact, but other than weddings and funerals, don't see each other. My grandfather was the glue who held the family together and when he died, so too did our links to each other.

Yes, you are right, families are a strange thing.

TA