BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[james1]

Hey LC,

Hope you're okay and not sick.

Mhmm, we seem to be giving it a go, so I asked her out properly for this Sunday and she said yes. I felt like she kept dropping hints when we met on Wednesday, so I figured why not. I'm kind of nervous though...like something keeps telling me it's not going to work 😞

I turned down the honours invitation. Too stressful especially if I need to move out and I've set myself a goal to find another job or something by end of next year.

Hope you feel better today compared to yesterday and the past few days.

James

[GuestYD]

Oh nice! I hope you have a fun date!

I'm feeling better now that I know that leaning forward and watching movies on my phone is not good for my neck!

I'm in canberra for the weekend to go to all the museums. My grandmother was keen to go. They have a few interesting exhibitions on - Tresures of Versailles for example.

It sounds like you have some really good plans for the coming year. I'm sure you can go back to studies in the future if you want to do so. I'm pretty sure I want to be an academic so I'm working towards that goal.

I also got a job 🙂 content writing for a website. I can wear my pjs to work! It's flexible and after the minimum hours, I can work more if I want. It's also good from the perspective that I'll have something to fill in my spare time!

LC

[james1]

Hey LC sorry I often don't go online during the weekends because I try to get out as much as possible.

Yesterday I think went well, at least on the basis of how long we spent together. I picked her up at 845 in the morning and dropped her off just after midnight, so it was a long day at the zoo, city and carols. I'm trying to be really wary of my natural attachment and just questioning everything in my head which is kind of exhausting, but maybe it'll be good in the long term to do this. But I'm not getting caught up on the words she uses etc. Just mostly questioning the attachment.

How was Canberra? Do let me know if the treasures of versailles is good. I'd love to see it and I have a friend in canberra who I've been meaning to visit.

Ah yeah, have you done an honours? It'd be worth looking at that because it gives you a good insight into academia.

CONGRATULATIONS! 😄 😄 That's super awesome. I'd loooove to do content writing one day. That's so awesome. I'm super happy for you 🙂

James

[james1]

*sigh* And I've managed to convince myself that yesterday didn't go well at all...today sucks again. Hope your day is going okay.

[GuestYD]

It sounds like she enjoyed your company - if she didn't, she'd have left hours ahead of when she did! And at worse you had an interesting day doing pretty cool things with a nice girl.

I was chatting to a girl last night who is older and seems really nice but I discovered she had a kid, had previously been married and only just come out and this morning I started freaking out that it was all beyond me and I think as much as she seems really great, I probably can't get into a medium/long term relationship because she's just that much ahead of me in life experiences!

The exhibition was pretty good. So much opulence! No wonder the French were almost bankrupt just prior to the revolution. There is also a exhibition on a history of the world in 100 treasures from the British museum. It was interesting too.

I am thinking about doing Honours. It sounds fun. I'll probably have to if I end up heading towards academia or do a masters.

Hope you feel a bit better now.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC,

I hope so. I mean, I find it kind of difficult/confusing because I always want to push the not-quite-relationship further and faster, so I have no idea what she wants and it feels like if I ask, I will just scare her off haha. Then at the same time I don't know if I've backed off too much! I'm finding it really challenging to date normally and I went against what my psych said. She wanted me to date multiple people, but I found that too hard...

Oooh it'd be so hard when you're at two completely different places in life. Would you just be able to stay as friends and catch up every now and then?

Cool. I went to the British Museum when I was in the UK 🙂 There's an egyptian mummy one here in Sydney at the moment which looks fun.

Yeah, I think honours would be better than masters if you can jump straight into it. When do you finish uni?

James

[james1]

Feeling despicable at the moment.

Girl fell off her motorcycle this morning and is checking a GP. She said she won't be able to meet up tonight, presumably because she's starting to feel sore now. I asked how she was and to take care of herself first, especially because she could be running on adrenaline.

But in the back of my mind, the fear is really starting to kick in. What if she's okay, but doesn't want to see me because she's made plans to see someone else instead? What if it's all an elaborate lie? What if she actually just wants me to go away?

I kind of hate myself for turning it all about myself when she's the one who fell off her bike. I feel like I should just tell her I can't date because of what it does to me, and she doesn't need this wreck to deal with as well.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

Sorry for the slow response.

I'm glad to hear she is ok! Sounds a bit scary. Yeah I can imagine that you would get activated in that situation. I don't like it when plans change. It makes me fear the worst and I frequently worry I've said or done something that will make someone hate me! (I know that's an extreme response). I hope you've managed to have some positive interactions with her since you posted.

i haven't spoken to the lady (she's not really a girl) since I started to freak out about her life experiences. So I'm a bit relieved.

I have another year of my undergraduate to go. And then I'm going to study some more. I am a bit terrified of working in a professional environment given how sick I got. I'm going much better but it would be difficult if I had to explain to someone why I had to take 2 weeks off for a stint in hospital. Uni is a bit more flexible I find. But that's just a sense! I hopefully won't need to go in. That's the ideal situation.

I'm quite enjoying holidays. I've got a massive pile of books to read during my break and I've been watching documentaries on YouTube too. Just keeping myself busy but relaxed too, so it's good.

Hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation with the girl.

LC

[GuestYD]

A quick message to say hope you are having a good day!

[GuestYD]

Oh man! I ended up getting really worked up because my dog destroyed her present straight away and it make me feel like an absolute failure... I've recovered now but it's pretty silly that my failure schema got triggered over my dog being a dog...