BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[girl_interrupted]

Hey LC and James, I hope you're both going ok. I'm about to crash so this is a short message just so you know I've read your last posts and will respond in detail later. I'm exhausted after a busy shift at work and need more sleep. Just quickly, I found a forum that discusses the music in the head thing - it seems to be more common in people with Bipolar which is interesting. Anyway I will write more soon. Take care guys x

[GuestYD]

Hi all

I am on holidays and I'm starting to feel a bit iffy already because I've got so much free time and I don't know what to do with myself... I get like this when I'm on holidays, it's a bit of a difficult time for me. I have to come up with things to do! So things to read and activities. I basically have to make up a timetable...

Will have to see how I go.

Lc

[james1]

Hey g_i, I hope today is better for you. I'd love to hear what the cause of that music thing is 🙂

Hey LC, Yeah I don't know who to call...ever. And it always seems to petty to me because I think about the cause and it always seems so minor, that I just don't want to tell people. When you say private clinic, is that the one where your psychologist works? Are you able to contact her out of appointment as well?

Free time is horrible. It will definitely be good to come up with a timetable, but don't feel pressured to follow it strictly. They're just things that you plan to do and try to do. I filled my timetable and went to about half of the things, but it was better than not going to any!

James

[james1]

Also, James is shutting down right now before he starts riding the wave that breaks and dumps him through the water and into the sand. Better to float and be sloshed around. Pretty horrible right now 😞 As of about 30 minutes ago.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I hope you feel a little bit better now.

I sometimes ring the hospital I go to after hours, before 9:30 pm as I get on really well with the nurses. I also have to contact them to get on to my dr. She's pretty good at calling back, I sometimes just need her reassurance, although now that I'm thinking about it I've been doing it way less often. My psychologist is on email and she is really good at responding. And then I've a bit contacted Beyondblue online chat, but I find I need a really discrete issue otherwise I find explaining all my background takes too long to get support ... Lifeline chat is more helpful I find and they usually chat to you longer. I just don't particularly like phoning because I worry that they'll be alarmed and call an ambulance ...

Anyway hope you are ok.

LC

[james1]

Ah I'm not really better 😞

Today has been horrible.

My motorcycle clutch started to slip this morning so I'm nervous about riding back home because if it has an issue, the power won't be transferring to the wheels and I'll just be revving the bike really hard in Sydney traffic, going at 10km/hour or backwards on a hill.

Then I got an email from my mum with some notes my preschool took on my development and some of that stuff makes me sad because I don't remember any of it, but I can already see the beginnings of my own personality traits that I really dislike in there, particularly the more BPD ones.

I also got an email yesterday about possibly starting honours again and I don't know whether to put myself through that intensive stress or not, but I'm worried that if I don't, I'll miss the opportunity with some great supervisors, if I haven't missed it already by deferring.

And throughout the day, I've just been agonizing over whether to just tell this girl that I really like her, but the whole situation is messing with my head because I don't know if she would even want to be dating properly or just be friends, but she seems curious about me as well because she was asking if I was talking to anyone else online, but then I wonder if I'm just overthinking everything. I don't know. I'm very confused.

Blah.

I want to go home and sleep and cry. Trying my best not to do anything impulsive or stupid.

Sorry...I had to get that out...

I hope you are okay. Did you manage to make any plans?

Is your doctor in the hospital?

[james1]

Oh, and to add to all that my place wont' be settled until next year so I can't move in and settle down over the holiday period. And they said mid-late January, and I'll be in Japan then. I just...yeah...I feel so done with all this.

[GuestYD]

Oh sounds like it has been a pretty hard day.

It is definitely interesting about the preschool personality notes, although also hard because you recognise how entrenched those things are even when you are really young. It is making me wonder what I was like when I was really young and how much of the BPD type stuff was present when I was little.

Honours could be good. I am really pro education for health and restoration, but it definitely could be really stressful and that could be hard. It also means going back to uni and that can be expensive.

The girl sounds really confusing. It seems you are struggling a lot with it. It is a little hard to know what to do. I guess a question is whether you are able to cope with the situation at the moment with the resources you currently have.

My Dr is connected with the hospital, but also sees people in her rooms.

Oh man! That is so annoying about the dates for moving. Pretty difficult!

Anyway hope you are traveling ok tonight. I will check here again before I go to bed if you need to vent some more.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC,

So I fixed my bike on my own but I get the feeling it'll mess up again soon, so i'll monitor and just not drive too far.

Honours...yeah I love education and learning, but it was so stressful the first time. And I don't want to waste my supervisor's time by starting then quitting. I'd have to take it all the way. I'm not stressed about finishing, but about getting class 1 honours. Because I got a bit wrecked by the break-up, I ended with an 80 last semester so I'd need a 90 this time around to get a class 1.

And with the girl...after doign something stupid yesterday, I just decided I needed to be blunt and ask what she wanted. She's not sure what this is either, but then she also had a strange argument with her ex yesterday and it seems like they're going to be good friends but that's it. So it feels like she's trying to emotionally separate from him, but is a bit scared to, but much as I like friends, I don't feel like I need any more. So....yeah. It just feels like there's a voice in the back of my head which goes: once she gets over him, she'll realise she doesn't really like you and then you will have wasted your time and effort, so you should just give up now and ditch.

Thanks so much for replying and being here! I read your post yesterday before I went to bed and wanted to reply, but i just liked it instead.

[GuestYD]

Hi James

Really slow reply, I'm sorry!

Ive been really tired - so just been chilling and I've had a sore neck so been lying in bed a lot.

Hope you are feeling ok about the girl.

Im glad you fixed the bike.

Hmm sounds tough about honours! A second class honours result is still really fantastic, getting an H1 could just be seen as a bonus! Then it won't be as much pressure.

Anyway off to sleep.

night