BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[GuestYD]

Ah bit anxious and unsure what to do. A guy who likes me and I've actually slept with him before is texting me and wants to grab a drink. I kind of want to see him just to see what he is like and to catch up but worried it will end up in me feeling like I have to sleep with him...

[james1]

Oh it sounds like that turned out okay with your doctor. It's so strange how we can get worked up about something that isn't even true! I'm trying to learn to be more upfront about what I'm worried about, but it's terrifying because I'm afraid that in admitting I'm afraid they'll leave, they'll say it's okay but get creeped out and leave, lol. Have you read much about secure, insecure and avoidant attachment styles?

Can you shift it to morning or early afternoon rather than late? That way it's easier to just have "something" afterwards?

[james1]

Omg talk about catastrophising. So same girl, I sent a text which didn't get a response for an hour and progressively through that hour I went from she's probably eating to she's probably talking to her friends to she's probably having sex with her ex but that's okay to she hates me I should die now. Then just got a message : I had a nap

I feel like an idiot

[GuestYD]

I haven't read up on attachment styles. I don't think I'll catch up with the guy and I'm trying to work out what to do. I'm feeling pressured to catch up to appease him and it's the wrong approach and a very vulnerable place to be ahead of a catch up even if I have it during the day.

Oh that sounds hard. Do you see your psychologist any time soon to work out some strategies?

I have had a pretty good day and been thinking about further study in... 2018. Lots of planning from me!

LC

[girl_interrupted]

Hey guys. I hope you don't mind me posting - I only just found this post (wish I'd seen it earlier) and could really relate to what some of you were talking about. I was only diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar type II about 2 years ago and still adjusting, getting to know who I am (a grown woman in her 40s, but hey, life's a journey of self discovery and growth). I have had really poor relationships and have lost most of my close friends because of my emotional outbursts/mood swings and anger issues. I go from content to furious in 5 seconds and then back again moments later. I've lost a lot of jobs over it as well as good friends. It's exhausting. I have suicidal ideation alot, for no drastic reason - it can just be I was having a bad day, something someone said that set me off. I'm learning to address my thinking patterns but still have a lot of work to do. I tend to have obsessive thoughts a lot and would often be really jealous of friends over the tiniest things. I've had hallucinations too. I've actually made stuff up in my head too from the over thinking, obsessive thoughts and then they became my reality. For example, a guy I started to like at work. Our eyes met and that was enough for me to think he was the one lol. I obsessed over him for months. I tend to do that with almost every guy I've dated. I've idealized some of my friends too and became really possessive/jealous. I'm very self centered at times without even realizing it. You guys sound like you've all been through a lot. It's nice to know there are others who have experienced similar things with BPD and understand what it's like. I haven't heard of Schema Therapy but have read a bit about DBT and have tried CBT and ACT. so many acronyms lol. I hope I can read through some more of your posts and try to catch up and get to know some of you. Thank you 🙂

[james1]

Hey LC,

Ah if you're feeling pressured I agree, not a good place to be, no matter what time of day.

Umm, Wednesday I think. I'm nervous about the holiday period though...no support (I honestly struggle a bit with the phones, because I know what they're going to say and don't trust them enough) for two-three weeks.

So I was pretty blunt with my not-really-date and just said that if she ever wants to stop talking, can she please just tell me outright. That gives me a little bit of piece of mind at least that silences aren't because she doesn't want to talk. Hopefully it works.

Oh wow, that is a lot of planning haha. It's good to have those goals though. 🙂 I'm just planning for next year, but mostly from a money budgeting perspective to see what I can afford.

Hey girl_interrupted,

Welcome to our little thread 🙂 🙂 Reading your post...I'm amazed you managed to get through all that without ever knowing what it was until 2 years ago! That must've been very infuriating for those years (not that you're old!!) I've seen some of your other posts elsewhere and you definitely seem like you've been through a lot as well. Are you still seeing a doctor at the moment?

I hope your day is okay 🙂

James

[girl_interrupted]

Thank you James. It's good to find forums that address our issues/questions and that we can exchange ideas and experiences on a non-judgemental plane. I had a break from counseling and have just found another one. I'm really glad I did and I'm feeling much more positive about my progress and my future. I'm starting to reconnect with people (well sort of). I went to a meetup group for relaxation and met some lovely people. I was surprised at how well I did with focusing on my breathing and mind/body. Funnily, afterwards I felt rejuvinated and couldn't sleep. I was reading your post about attachment types. I'm going to research that a bit more (as well as BPD). There's so much I have yet to learn. Do you know which type you are? (if you don't mind me asking).

What are your short term goals for next year? I've started mine already (joining meetups, mindfulness, relaxation etc). I'm trying to look at it as an ongoing change, rather than just a NY resolution type thing.

[girl_interrupted]

I forgot to ask: Does anyone hear music repeated over in their heads? You know, like when someone starts playing or singing a song and then it's in your head? Except for me, it can be the same song I heard moments before/days before, or a completely different song. I'm trying to work out the triggers, but it seems to be when my mood is elevated (either up or down) in some way. Anyone? Kind of reminds me of Ally McBeal - a show that was on years ago about this lawyer (Ally) and she used to hear songs in her head when she was upset/emotional/excited etc).

[james1]

Hey g_i

Yes, I've found it very hard to find people I know who understand or can talk about it with any kind of personal experience, which often leaves me frustrated. It's wonderful that you're going to the meet up groups. I also go and have been to some for anxious people (I'm not really anxious, but I associate better with quieter crowds), writers and nerds/geeks. I'm enjoying the meet ups though I have to be careful I don't attach myself to anyone in particular.

I'm not sure what type I am. I'm struggling to understand the difference between insecure and avoidant, and also to just understand my own behaviours as well. It's really the first time I"ve had to be mindful of what I do and think, and I'm noticing a lot of thought patterns that would be classed as being kind of unhelpful, haha. So just trying to get a better understanding of myself at the moment.

Mhmm short term goals would really lie around continuing to go to the meet ups and keep at least one hobby going at all times. It's hard when I keep changing hobbies (e.g. I've completely stopped writing). Also to keep up the dating and challenge myself that way, though I'm scared I'll push myself too far like I did last night!

Oh that's interesting. Do the songs serve a soothing purpose? It could be a self-soothing mechanism. E.g. I don't do that, but I do wander around telling stories in my head without thinking, and in my head acting out a movie of my life with all the dramatic shots and songs, haha. I don't know if it's a BPD thing, but it could be a soothing mechanism to help cope with the craziness that is BPD. Also, did you think of Ally McBeal ever before it started? I know someone with BPD who said she copies TV characters, not just real people.

James

[GuestYD]

Hi g_i

Welcome to the thread. I can definitely relate to your experiences with BPD and the impacts it has on so many different areas in your life. I am working on lots of things at the moment with my psychologist. I had a conversation with my dr recently about how I seem more BPD now since my depression has improve a lot, but she said it's more that I've become aware of the thoughts and feelings so I'm better at connecting with how I am. A concept in schema is the detached protector and sort of it's a coping mode where you shut off a bit and for ages I didn't really feel anything at all.

I need to go to a Meetup group - you both seem so positive about them!

I haven't experienced that with music.

Hi James

Yes, I think I need to not catch up. It's a recipe for disaster.

Oh that's a good idea to say that to her. I think that gives you some peace of mind.

I agree with your comments about the helplines. It's not the same at all. I find a lot don't understand BPD and that's not ideal. So I sometimes ring my local hospital and talk to their triage team who generally know more about BPD. Or my private clinic if it's not too late. I have had some really good chats that way and I don't worry I'm going to get an ambulance called on me!

Anyway massive headache relating to a sore back so I'm off to bed.

Night

LC