Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎26-04-2016

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

Still feeling really flat. Third week of it, now, and it's getting really exhausting. I miss enjoying things properly.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

Awake still at 3am, and no-one to talk to, so I'm going to vent here. Did touch earlier on a point in a conversation with my brother that may be relevant to my troubles. Anger. Ever noticed how, even when you have every right to be angry, or to rally at just how unreasonable a situation is, if you express your anger it is rejected? Ignored, laughed off, redirected, or worse, you get to hear all that positive thinking rubbish. I don't want to think positive. I don't want to hear it will be okay. It's not okay and I'm angry and why the hell shouldn't I be? I don't direct my anger at anyone I'm talking to, I don't commit acts of violence, however tempting it may be. So why do I have to pretend at all times I have no anger, like it's not valid at all? You know what that does? It turns inward and adds to the depression. Every now and then (like now) I realise that's becoming automatic because there's just no permissable outlet for it. But life isn't all sunshine and lollipops, and maybe I want a damn lollipop now and then!

lookingforme · ‎10-05-2016

Let me applaud you BC! Yes! I want a damn lollipop. I'm surrounded by blasted angry people and et my anger is unfounded. I am surrounded by people about who make jokes about seeing the psychiatrist like who would ever do that? Even after outing myself to my parents which was the last thing I ever thought I would do and every instinct was telling me no and reason was telling me yes, the best that I can get given is for it to be ignored rather than validated. Out the other ear because no one liked to heard. And damn it all, this depression has got me either angry or on my ****ing knees. And the positive thinking crap...I have felt like screaming for approximately 3 weeks. Thank you for writing this.

I'm sorry you're having a sleepless night.

I myself am back on my knees because yesterday when I thought I finally figured a workable solution to my suddenly hectic requirements, I got home at 5.30 pm and crashed so hard, I'm still not properly awake. Which I can understand can be seen as at least I got some sleep...sorry.

I actually will start punching walls. I take inward anger to extremes, do you also?

lookingforme · ‎10-05-2016

I apologize for the typos, sometimes my brain goes faster than my hands, even when correcting...

lookingforme · ‎10-05-2016

I am crying now because I still feel tired and I have to be this person who I don't really even know anymore, or don't recognize for the next 12 hours...I feel like I'm ripping in two and I can feel each bit of me that tears

Sorry, just needed to vent

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

No need to apologise, I completely understand. I've had so many days like that. Have had to learn when to take a sick day and get my head right so I can continue on. Not ideal, but it helps when I can do it.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

As for my anger, it's all about my ****hole neighbour at this point. This creature that lives in selfishness and disrespect and disregard. I managed to get about six hours sleep as he didn't start up so early today, but he's at it right now and it makes me so damn angry. I haven't wanted to start something with the cops because I don't want it escalating, but I see I have no choice.

This is where I was at last night, knowing even if I wasn't trying to sleep that this guy's behaviour would sooner or later intrude on my ability to relax and rest and be mentally healthy, no matter what I do, every single day. Reasoning with someone like this is impossible. There wasn't anything I could do about it last night, so I (apparently foolishly) had another crack at 7 Cups of Tea just for someone to talk to. Got through straight away this time, but the guy was useless. I know they're not professionals, but who gives platitudes and stock phrases and denial to someone who is fighting depression? "You're a good person"? How do you know, and what the hell does that have to do with anything? "Ur fine"? No I'm damn well not or I wouldn't be here, and learn how to spell.

That was an "aha" moment for me. Getting angry with that silly man who had no idea what he was doing made me realise just how much I've been pushing down anger about so many things. Sure I've vented a bit about this neighbour, but not nearly to the full extent of how angry it makes me. And I'm not just angry about that. About how damn unreasonable it is that I keep finding myself fighting battle after battle after battle, never getting to draw breath between one and the next. It doesn't solve anything to be angry or to express it, but it doesn't have to fester in me either.

I was with my ex for about 8 years, and he had huge problems with anger. He'd had too much of it around him as a youngster and just couldn't handle me showing it, even when it wasn't directed at him (which it usually wasn't). Obviously I didn't want to scare or hurt him, so in the end it became second nature to just stamp down on my anger and it seems I still do. It has no outlet and hasn't for years, so I don't even really feel it; I'm finding situations that make me angry automatically just turn to depression. I had a realisation like this a few months back, but apparently that understanding didn't stick and I resumed doing it. I guess because most of the time no-one wants to know. It's even less acceptable than being sad.

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

I'm glad you understand, and that my little rant last night was of some help to you. It falls down the same chute as dealing with depression itself, I guess. Our anger is valid. It has reason, we're not just emotional little girls, and we deserve to be heard. What we're going through isn't okay, and why the hell shouldn't we be angry? It's not like we're taking it out on anyone, so why can't we just say it and not be judged or invalidated? This is my lesson. Learn to recognise it for what it is before it turns in on me, and let it out.

lookingforme · ‎10-05-2016

Hey BC, I will reply properly later on. I'm in the middle of my working day and if I open myself up to the emotions I know are in there and are barely being suppressed, I'll implode or explode...

I am curious as to what your neighbour does? If you don't mind the question...

Clues_Of_Blue · ‎10-05-2016

It's the classic tale of a bad neighbour. Loud "music" (hardly music in my opinion). Extremely over the top bass, like living next to a night club, except it happens during the day and he's across the road not next door and still managing to be extremely disruptive. Tried ear plugs, my own music, ear phones blasting the absolute daylights out of my ears (bound to have damaged my hearing some, already). Nothing blocks it out. I can't sleep when I need to, can't relax, can't focus on anything. When I ask him to turn it down, he throws a tantrum and either it stays the same or he turns it up. Dude's almost as old as me, and living with his parents. Tried talking to them, too, and the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree. It's not like I expect anyone to tiptoe around, but shaking the s*** out of a house across the road is past acceptable behaviour even during the day. It needs to stop.