Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[lookingforme]

Hey BC, I thought I replied to both of them...

I'm happy for you. The tone of your message is quite telling actually, it's nice to see. I'm glad that you have a little of that social aspect back so you don't feel so lonely. Definitely hang on to that.

I'm kind of coasting a neutral plane right now. I had these weird dreams that are having me question my sense of what I fear and do not really. Analytical rather than emotional. Indifference is not good for the friends, but from where I'm coming, I'm okay with it.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

All good, and thanks. The few shift changes to afternoons lately have made a huge difference. If only it could last. Making the most of it while it does, because I can actually see people without sacrificing too much sleep.

Dreams can be a rude surprise about that sort of stuff, but ultimately, delving into those questions will be a good and useful thing. Having something to analyse definitely helps keep me going. If I've got something to pull apart and that can give me new answers, new leads to follow to resolve things, I do okay.

Can relate about indifference. To others it may not be great, but to those of us who abhor emotions in the first place and know misery is the most likely of them to crop up most of the time anyway, it can be a good time-out. It's a tool in itself, and definitely useful for the analytical process.

Off now, I'll be back later, no doubt.

[lookingforme]

I have just been to the art store, a mindfulness exercise if ever there was any. It is definitely a physical happy place, but not too great on the wallet.

Yea, my dreams are vivid and strange. Only a couple of weeks ago it sent me into a spiral but last night would have been up a scale on the spiral factor, but nothing. I wonder if I'm finally desensitized or really indifferent to the max right now. Meh.

Chat later

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Art shop sounds good. Assuming that's an indication of your passtimes, what sort of art are you into? I've dabbled with sketching, but not brilliant at it. More skilled with prose and photography.

I think sometimes even with depression, you reach a plateau where things just don't reach you quite the same way any more. I've evened out to an underlying state of unpleasantness, but no big highs and lows, regardless of what's going on. Maybe something like that for you, too?

Really good day for me today, but that flat feeling didn't budge for long and I'm irked with myself for being largely impervious to proper enjoyment. Oh well. Victory is life, and all that.

[lookingforme]

I dabble in sketching but I go between graphite and charcoal. I have recently been interested in using ink. I found these excellent brush pens which you can fill with water so you don't have to keep dipping into the water for ink or watercolour. I too like photography. This hobby has overtaken the other two because drawing is a very personal thing for me and I don't feel like I have the privacy where i am. I started a photoblog which I would share but cannot.

I think that you are right, things aren't reaching me the same way. I recognise it from before as well. There are things I can feel so keenly and everything else is meh.

I understand that so completely...not taking advantage of the good feeling and feeling it in its entirety rather than just acknowledging that you had a good day. One of my fears is that

ave stopped knowing how to have enjoyment again. Mainly because I put too much pressure on every situation.

Anyway, more from me later, I, I have to go to work now.

I'm really glad that you are having a really good day today 🙂

[Lost_Girl]

Hi,

I hope you guys don't mind, I just want to let you know I try to keep up with your thread here but my mind is tired so I find the breadth of what you write too much for me to join in. Joelle you wrote about the art shop being a physical happy place - that is exactly how I feel in art shops. When I was at my very worst with the first type of meds they put me on, just being in an art shop had an amazing calming effect on me. I went to one to buy a special birthday present that I couldn't get hubby to do from a list so it was just by random chance that I went there in such a bad state. It was truly amazing. I just love them. My hubby says he feels the opposite... he finds the clutter and "noise" of so many things in such small spaces and that they are often packed quite high makes him feel anxious and claustrophobic. Funny.

When I have time to be me, I dabble (but have no formal training) in sketching, oils, prose and have two partial books both with full plot outlines and all thought through, just awaiting some time, perhaps when my children are a little older. So now I settle for making party decorations and cakes and face painting and balloon tying for my kids lol.

With the sketches you do in charcoal, how do you appropriately store them to ensure they don't smudge, if you don't mind me asking?

Cheers,

Carol

[lookingforme]

Hey Carol, just letting you know that zi have seen your post and will reply properly. It's 4 am, I'm supposed to be exercising and I'm literally having trouble putting my socks on

[lookingforme]

Hi Carol,

Of course we don't mind you being here. I'm sorry your brain is tired. That's what I am feeling the tail end of because I was put on new meds. Last week was bad. I am glad though that you also have a physical place of happiness. It really helps. Aw, I'm sorry about hubby, but the things he hates about it are the things I love. You get to touch everything, there's something earthy about a good art store. I don't like the clinical ones. Less freedom for the digits to roam...

I have no formal training either, just whatever came out of me in high school. The last two years of high school I wanted to commit to making myself better in art and I was told I didn't take a "humanities" unit and therefore couldn't take art. I did IB.

Is that oil paint or pastels? I love the feel and vibrance of oil-based colours. You sound quite creative, and I am immensely impressed at you even starting a book, let alone two. You will have time. I pick up these things when everything is calm and safe in my head and I have the time...which is rare...But, at least you are getting a creative outlet. You must have a lot of patience, I have little cousins and I have seen what it takes to make a successful kids party. Another trait I commend you on. When I was in year 5, we had a "graduation from primary school, and I was helping decorate, and my job was to tie the balloons to these mugs we were getting with the school logo (why any 10 year old would want a mug is beyond me but I think that's why they attached the balloons). I was taken off that job because I was told my hands couldn't tie tiny knots fast enough, because they were too big. To this day, it is still difficult.

I generally do my artwork in a bound sketchbook, it has the thicker paper so I can do ink work. You have to use a workable fixative. If you go into your art store, anyone should be able to help you find it. Otherwise, online shopping! Since moving, I don't have one here and my charcoal is sitting in the corner waiting to be used. I haven't found a decent art store here and apparently, there really isn't one and it's better to get it shipped, which takes away that feeling... 😕

I did buy these things called paint pens, shall be using them soon.

Of course I don't min you asking, you put up with my ramblings.

Hope that helps

Joelle

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Glad you decided to join us, Carol. You're most welcome. Sounds like you guys are both more arty than I, but I agree about the atmosphere of art shops. There's something inviting about it, and I see all this stuff I never knew about or haven't tried out, and it does inspire my creative side.

I like that you've done a bit of writing, too. How could we book nerds not give it a go? I've written a few stories over the years, and started a book at one point (it was the basis of my thesis back in my studying days), and the sketches I did were of various alien species and characters. Sadly, haven't had the right conditions for writing in years, thus haven't needed sketches, so photography has taken over as my creative outlet. It's less time intensive, but I enjoy it a lot.

Joelle, your mention of the vibrance of oil-based colours made me think of my favourite painter, Leonid Afremov. If you're not familiar with his work, I recommend checking it out. I find it really calming, and have a copy of Loneliness of Autumn in my lounge (he paints them to order).

Kind of a pity we can't easily share examples of our visual art on here, isn't it? Except maybe in profile pictures. I'd love to see what you guys create.

[lookingforme]

Yea, it feels like a room full of potential.

I started writing two books but had no follow through. Wrote a couple of short things as well, and I've settled into occasional blogging. I used to have a depression blog where I would write all my raw emotions, no holding back, but in one state of "who really cares about me?" I deleted it. I feel the loss but...i've learned that no one really wants to keep up with all that heaviness if it doesn't apply to them. (I sound bitter...)

I will definitely check it out BC, thanks 🙂 ilI hope you find the right time and space to get back into the writing and sketching, sounds like you enjoyed it.

It is a shame I think