Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[ecomama]

Oh Blue, dam! Smoking out the kitchen is awful dear girl, hugs! Stupid smoke detectors, don't know when to signal... grrr. 

Blue, I really get it, I truly do. An unbelievable amount of things "happen to me" (or I DO them) per day, on and on... I think this is what drives my kids crazy (and make them think I'm stupid too). 
I forgot my phone charger, left it at work. Thought I'd left BOTH of them at work actually. 
So I had to (yet again) rummage everywhere in the kids' rooms to try to find one that would fit my phone. 
P.son's new laptop charger fitted it, then he told me it stuffed up his phone when he used it... 
Only to get back to work and no.... they weren't there. 
THEY WERE AT HOME, both of them. 

Yesterday I dropped P.son's (new) car keys and one BROKE! It's a fancy new clicky one lol. It was in pieces all over the darned road. Thankfully BF was on the phone otherwise I would've freaked out. I acted calmly and had to use STICKY tape to put it back together. I felt SO bad ughh. 
Then P.son told me it's happened before - phew. 

Glasses? don't get me started. 

We need to forgive ourselves Blue. 
Our intentions are good! 
We have so much on our minds. A billion things constantly. It's too much. 

Re: Your kitchen, the stench is revolting. My Nana did this when I was younger. I helped her clean the kitchen but barff... I can sympathise with you! :-((

AIR, TIME and tons of cleaners. 

Hugs
LOVE EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thank you for your understanding, I can't tell you how much I need that right now. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you to keep track of things with so many more people living with you and so much more stuff, it would be hard. Of course those things happen to you.

It's true what I read, that with ADHD, the sheer number of little things (on a smaller scale usually than what we were just talking about) that happen even before breakfast have us starting the day on a shorter fuse and struggling more to stay calm than an average person. And the more such things happen, the more exasperated and frustrated we get, the more they happen and so on. It's this awful cycle of stuff ups and incidents that gets so unmanageable so quickly.

I hear you about the cords and the key and everything, I completely understand. Back when cars were less idiot-proofed, I got to keeping my spare in my other pocket I locked my keys in there so often. I still haven't fixed my glasses - I brought them in to fix, and you guessed it, completely forgot about them.

You're right that we have far too much on our minds, it doesn't work. Forgiving myself is hard. The small stuff, sure. But the stuff that endangers my family. That just makes me kinda hate myself. I know anyone could make that stupid, small mistake. Pressing one button instead of another. The consequences, though. Thankfully no-one harmed, but suddenly I have all this extra work to do, when I wasn't exactly on top of what I already had on the list. It's too much.

The stench is foul. We've had the windows open ever since, and the doors during the day. Fans on everywhere and the air purifier LM's dad got us ages ago out there, which is actually helping a bit. Little tubs of vinegar and baking soda (not together) in various spots to soak up smells. I cleaned the microwave and kitchen benches with a baking soda solution. There will be so much more cleaning to do. The washing was drying on hangers at that end of the house, it all has to be re-washed. I don't have time for that, everything takes days to dry in this weather and the hangers only hold so much. Should probably wash the curtains, too. Cleaning floors and so on, wiping all the surfaces. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how much work I will have to do.

Love,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, it's more than forgiving ourselves and knowing our purest of intentions, it also takes mountains of patience for us to be ourselves and.... 

we're not violent criminals lol! I watch tons of True Crime and thank God I'm me 99.9% of the time. So we're not THAT. 

It's okay, we've ALL done things we wish we hadn't, some more than others lol. 

Although I hear you, absolutely the chores ahead are totally unenviable.
I just SOAK stuff.. even for 2 or 3 days. The curtains can come down and just soak 'em. They don't HAVE to go back up immediately, believe me, everyone will survive! 
I use Napisan alot. But when I don't, I always add half a cup of vinegar to activate the detergent in the soaking buckets. 
Then throw the WHOLE lot on the washer. (After days of soaking). I often use the bath for the buckets or the whole bath itself. 

You have other clothes, you can soak these too later on. I'd bag them up so they don't emanate the smell in to any rooms. Wear other clothes until you get a chance to get to them, they won't run away. You have enough to do atm. 

You can also use lemon juice on the surfaces, if you have any about. 
Tbh it took months for the smell to leave Nana's microwave. I kept putting all sorts of teas & concoctions in there to boil up in the microwave when she wasn't looking lol. Chamomile, rosemary sprigs in water. Those 2 I remember. 
Then when they left all the moisture on the walls, I used a cleaner to wipe them down. 

GREAT work on the Physio referral. Hope they can help with the vertigo. 

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Mountains of patience, EM? I couldn't help but laugh, I've always said if patience is a virtue, I'm a virtue short.

I'm surprised you watch stuff about violent criminals, surely that's a bad headspace for you? Anyway, no, we're not that. Seems an odd comparison to me, train's meandered onto the wrong track. Accidents and deliberate maliciousness are in totally different spheres, and the type to be involved in the latter are probably thinking little of forgiveness.

Urgh, all that soaking sounds profoundly unappealing. I'm just gonna throw the curtains through the wash and hang them straight back up again. Soaking = time, space and inclination I don't got. Only one of the curtains was close to the event and might want more attention, the rest will make do. The stink is mostly out of the rooms, thanks in large part to the air purifier methinks. That filter's gonna look gnarly after this.

Hm, not so much on the clothes front, we've minimised our wardrobe just like everything else, and a busy couple of weeks had pretty much all of them either on us (our PJs), in the wash, or hanging up. I've had to use smokey clothes from lack of other options for going out of the house, which I choose not to do in night attire.

Lemon juice diluted or neat? Easy enough to get some of that, I'm sure it'll improve the smell of the place. I think the baking soda has been of help, but the residue it leaves is another matter, you don't see it until the solution dries. Ugh, powder everywhere. I've been zapping a container of water and vinegar periodically in the microwave, post wiping it down with the baking soda mix. It's helped somewhat.

Thanks. We'll see how long it will be before I remember or otherwise build up the energy to call the physio. The vertigo hasn't been too bad for a few days, it's sliding down the list again. LM's appointments, Sir Pecks, sorting out the kitchen disaster so Mr Feisty can move back into his big cage... I have enough to deal with this week.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue, fair enough. You sure do have enough to do! 
I've used cut up lemons in half or you can squeeze it all over and let it lie there, if your surfaces will cope. 
Just 100% lemon juice. 

Baking soda is awesome, same as vinegar, they exponentially helps everything do a better job IMO. 

Lol yes I watch True Crime, LOVE it. Prefer cases that have been SOLVED and where Justice was served. It gives me a sense of Justice, something we couldn't get in Courts here. Demon is still free but we're grateful it's not near us atm. 
I also LOVE Van Life and Tiny Homes clips, Adventurers and tons of Psychology and Meditation. Found this AWESOME Celtic Fairy music lol and this relaxes me to sleep almost immediately. 

I'm glad the vertigo has settled. When you get to the Physio, I'm sure that'll help too. 

Gotta get dinner ready now. Early to bed and a partial sleep in tomorrow. 
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Definitely enough to do. Too much.

Duly noted about the lemon juice. I've found baking soda and vinegar to be miracle workers, certainly better than commercial cleaners at pretty much everything.

I can understand that sense of wanting to see justice served, that is important. I can't fathom how demon is free after everything, I really can't. The effect that must have on you, the hyper-vigilance for safety. It's a lot, you're one strong lady, living through what you did and the lack of justice for it on the other side.

I can understand the appeal of the other stuff you watch, though I don't watch stuff like that myself. You've got my attention with Celtic fairy music though, haha. Love me some fantastical music.

Maybe the exercises I did for myself helped, I dunno. Sometimes it settles on its own.

Food and sleep are important. Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

My exhaustion, physical and mental, are extreme. There are times I have what I think of as "despair attacks". It's not a panic attack, it's not fear. It's outright overwhelm, my ability to process everything both inside and outside of me is so overloaded it all starts shutting down. If I can't immediately place myself in an environment of minimal stimulus, it is a problem. It is overtly distressing.

I've been having rolling despair attacks over the last couple of days. I've had very little time to myself in the last 1-2 weeks, which happens when LM is overwhelmed & his need for me increases. When time alone was there I had to choose between sleep, getting some important jobs done or doing something mentally soothing. A few hours here and there to pick one of three things that are all desperately needed is NOT ENOUGH. The smoked out kitchen has led to extra work that I have barely been able to touch for above reasons, it's also led to objects and activities that would normally be in the kitchen/lounge/dining area crowding the other end of the house. The added visual stimulus & lack of anywhere away from it are causing me great stress. I have to do the kitchen end of the house first to move the other stuff back in (at this snail's pace around my caring responsibilities), so have been unable to improve the area causing me most distress.

We've had hospital appointments, pulling me away from rest and throwing me into a MASSIVELY overstimulating environment for extended periods. My sensitivity to stimulus ramps up when tired, and a lot more so when stressed. Both... nightmare.

I got about a 10 hour sleep today, a rare night of just what my body needs regularly. Not enough to make up for having had a lot less for several nights. As soon as I woke, my mind crowded with thoughts of things I had to do (the ones I must do, like food for Mr Feisty and LM). I immediately felt like every sight, every sound, every thought, everything I touched was just too much. Worst despair attack I've had in a long time. LM gently suggested I go outside into the garden for a bit. He was right, of course. I am down from the brink, though I know it won't take much to put me back there. More hospital appointments tomorrow, hours of them. I am shaking at the thought of it, there are tears. Not much choice, have to deal with it and I know I will as always, but I need relief. Desperately.

[ecomama]

Darling Blue, what you're describing sounds so familiar to me, "despair attacks" is a good description. 
No escape sounds familiar too. 

You're in a situation, right now, where there is no escape, no rest. 

I know you had more hospital appointments today. I Pray there were positive answers for you all. 

It's heart wrenching to know you're in so much constant overwhelm. These experiences area crushing all you need right now. 

I hear you. I'm listening.

'

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

I'm finding a lot of my experience with these despair attacks, insofar as they relate to sensory overload and so on are following the exact pattern of ASD meltdowns/shutdowns and burnout (I can say the same of previous such meltdowns, by and large they are not PTSD related in any way). Among a number of other things I have been researching since my sister loaned me some material about her own struggles with ASD. I initially didn't think much of her suggestions that I may have it as well as ADHD like she does, as I don't have the overt social struggles she does, but the more I read about things under the surface - the things everyone doesn't see - the more I relate. EM, I am genuinely wondering if I have ASD as well as ADHD, there are some pretty clear markers as I look closer. I am following this up with a lot of research and some help through the Carer's Gateway - the coach I am seeing is looking into what help I can have professionally to assess this.

Yes I am certainly in a situation right now. No escape, no rest. The burnout and meltdowns will continue. Fun.

The appointments today were a continuation of his transplant work-up. Nothing conclusive. They'll tell us about their findings in the clinic next week, I suppose.

Thank you for being here, for listening and for caring so consistently. I appreciate you so much.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Blue, seeing a correlation to the information on ASD is BIG. 
Remember SO MANY females are not diagnosed with ASD at all, or quite later in life because we don't manifest the same symptoms as males, more often than not anyway. 

Knowing your sister has ASD it wouldn't be a stretch that you also have it. Similar but different. 

I hope you can get support through the Carer's Gateway. You really need some regular support to help with everything possible atm.
What you're going through with the needs of LM and the compliance measures you all have to meet, this is enough for now! Or too much for now. 

YOU are the main reason I come on to the forums each day atm. I can't bare the thought of things changing so drastically for you and hate the thought of you feeling unsupported here too! Makes my heart wrench. 

Love EMxxxx