Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the best wish messages.

We continue on in that same relatively normal way that I would associate with most relationships. It does feel like She has come to the understanding that couples have to problem solve issues together to work through matters.

despite some scary moments nothing has really gotten out of hand for awhile now - my wife has been counting the actual days and is proud (I think) of her own progress.

I’m very pleased for where things are for her and I - especially Off the back of the 12 months of being involved in a destructive relationship - I am also relieved to not be dancing on eggshells everyday.

We both have counselling booked but they are a little while between each session - seperate sessions for each of us.

Will post another update in a little while.

[TheFarSide]

So a few weeks on from my last update. There has been mostly good times so I focus on those as the lesson and standard to take forward. There are still difficult moments and I had no illusions That it would be any other way. Keeping your own internal mental balance from spilling out on occasion is a test all of it’s own but it’s about understanding the internal control needed in this situation to ensure That no fuel accelerates anything that otherwise could simply have rested like the proverbial sleeping dog.

The balance of good days has shifted away from being in a 50-50 space and has now moved into some positive territory at last. At the moment I am quietly happy with how it all has progressed ( and the effort she has made) but admittedly I am still a little reserved about how it will eventually all pan out ... this is life and there are no guarantees.

anyway see how it goes - I’m trying to make it last... All marriages require effort, love, work, compromise, tolerance and understanding to name a few.

[quirkywords]

farside

I am always pleased to read your detailed and insightful feedback that should give hope to many people.

You are realistic.

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Quirky.

Unfortunatley I knew we were on the cusp of a major blowout and it has started today. Once again on a weekend my son is with me.

My wife has been doing some shift work in a new role. Occasionally it means an early start and I am conscious to make sure she can sleep well and early the night before Due to some of this some of the frequency of our physical connections as been a bit hit and miss - not been an issue tho - just we both tired at different parts of the day.

Last night I said to my boy that I’d be going to bed a bit earlier as My wife was working in the morning. So I watched some tv shows with him and then a little after 9 went to bed. When I got to bed the whole vibe just felt pretty cold. I asked if she still wanted to spend time in that way but she said it was too late - Thats not an issue but before long she rolled the other way. Then not long after said she could not sleep with all the noise in the house. The tv was on, the cat and dogs were restless and just general traffic noise. She said I’m gonna sleep elsewhere. I told her not to worry and I got up, turned off the light, the tv, closed the door and tried to quieten down the house. She stayed there and went to sleep.

I stayed up for quite awhile and did some work, watched some tv, and did a few other things that took me through til about 1.30am ... I could hear she was asleep and knew she had only a few hours before she would need to get up. So I went and slept in the spare room so as to not disturb her. It’s something she has done with explanation on a few occasions and I have just moved on without holding her out to dry for these.

Because she works a random locations she generally texts me where she is working and what her shift time is. This time she didn’t. She simple got up and left with no goodbye. She didn’t talk to me before leaving and not at all while at work in her normal way - even if it was just to say arrived safe and see you later.

When she got home from work in the arvo there was no warmth and I’d seen this mood before. Despite my best intentions at just trying to give her space to sleep undisturbed it’s now escalated into a threat to the marriage...

As with all stories there is more colour to it than space to type... reality is She had been cold leading up to this. If it wasn’t me sleeping in the spare room (which I wouldn’t have done if she weren’t working) it would’ve been something else.

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , sorry to hear that. So did she blow up or just froze you out.? Not too bad for her standards if she just froze you out , not to take away the stress of it all but just sayin, no blowing up around your son ?

Anyway , on her part given her temperament, pretty predictable eh unfortunately, with all the crazy new hours work and stress , son over for the weekend. You'd think you did the right thing letting her sleep alone , but eh , sometimes no winning in this stuff is there eh.

Hope things have settled down for ya mate,

Cheers. rx

[quirkywords]

the far side,

Thanks for the update butI am sorry this has has happened but as you wrote you felt you were on the cusp of a major blow up.

Both of you have been working so hard to keep things relatively stable in the relationship but you knew there would be times like this.

I realise that your relationship is different from others in many but also has similarities.

I know when some people are tired and stressed they sometimes go back to their familiar ways of coping.. It does not mean they will be stuck there.

I hope with time as you both reflect on what happened younwill work this out and keep going forward as you have been doing.

why do you feel it was inevitable to have a blow up at this time?

thanks again for your feedback,

Quirky

Quirky

[TheFarSide]

Thanks RX and Quirky for your messages.

The main reason I thought there would be a blow out is that just we are both very conscious of making the relationship work that inevitably some of the natural flow of who we are inside naturally can be interrupted.

In essence - a case of trying too hard and that can cause you to trip over yourself sometimes.

I’m glad it occurred to some degree as it released a little bit emotion for both of us and my wife has to her credit picked herself up with renewed vigour and determination. She has apologised and managed to gain some perspective on what actually occurred and the intent in with how it occurred.

Positives to take for the most part.

Good days are still in the lead!

[quirkywords]

Thanks for letting us know how things turned out .

I am glad things are going well.

Quirky

[Guest_1584]

Ahh that;s great fs , really pleased things didn't go into full atomic .

Gees your w is incredible with how well she's doing and l can never believe her acknowledgement.

Been out to tea or something special lately , think you've both earnt it mate.

Hang in there .

Cheers. rx

[TheFarSide]

So here I am again - the last few posts had seen a minor revisit to old ways followed by some internal corrective behaviours... but...

Since my last post I have started to see and feel all the signs of another moment of difficulty coming. Its something you can just sense more than put into exact words. And while i have become better at recognizing the escalation signs I am still not being able to fully understand what exactly will trigger things off - which words or which behaviours or which actions are the culprit to drive the escalating as it just seems to be inconsistent.

This recent stuff seems to have spawned out of a whole bunch of unrelated events involving her needing to be in the company of other people (which she hates)... The catalyst for her to let go of her emotions 'at me' on these matters came when I had said i didn't want to eat a particular food and I also told our dog to stop barking. Both of these 'life shattering' moments she has claimed were really meant about or for her and from there it just slid into the devaluation process. This issues are more about her than me but unfortunately she emotionally freezes me out as a means to lash out.

Once again we are not communicating... all those little things you just do with and for each other as a couple have left the building (again!) - eg sitting close watching tv, making each other a tea, touching as you walk past each other in the house. She slept in another room again last night.

I don't pretend that I'm not human or that i don't make mistakes or stuff up sometimes - I'm really quite ok with owning my responsibilities and being accountable to things that I've actually done. Its tough tho when something totally unrelated or innocent becomes the excuse to use me as a means to take out her anger because she cant do it with those she is actually angry with.

I know there isn't much anyone can do. This is (unforeseeably) where I am and I know the decision about whether I feel its worth the effort to continue stays with me. It has no cure - just therapy - and again she is unwilling - she dropped out of the last lot of proposed counselling before it even begun... really feels like battling the impossible.

Honestly know I need to evaluate this and work out my future. I love her but maybe that's not enough.