Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[quirkywords]

Thanks for your update,

one day at a time and having hope filled with realistic expectations is the way ahead,

I look forward to continue to share your journey,

quirky

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , hope things are doing ok for ya.

Man l just wanted to ask you , do you thing she means things she says when she goes off?

Reason l ask is my ex was all love dove and praise one week , next minute something would set her off and it was like l was scum and if sh really thought and believed things she'd spit out then she'd be an idiot even being with me of she really felt that way .. Yet if we made up in a few days or whenever, she'd be back to full of love and praise and compliments .

Do you thing your w actually means any of or is it just some push away thing or ?

Scuse the typo's.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the message RX.

i believe When those with BPD traits turn to anger (and also love) they feel what they are feeling (what we are seeing) - this is referenced in most research I’ve done as splitting behaviour or ...simply put - if you’re viewed as good then you are all good and everything you do is wonderful however the moment you slip into something she deems as ‘not so good’ (even if in your eyes it was harmless) then you are all bad and everything you’ve ever been or done is all bad until the mood shifts... my wife also refers to it a little like an of body experience... she can see the behaviour when it shifts into the negative space and wants to stop but seems powerless to stop what’s going on.... there is apparently no grey area with BPD sufferers - the grey area where most of us tend to see the world from allow us to see that people and life aren’t perfect and we exercise tolerance and understanding...

I had wanted to wait a few weeks before posting an update as my wife has now had a couple of individual sessions with group stuff to come in a few weeks... already there has been some positive shift in behaviour and she is trying... there will be slips of course but as long as the general direction is forward I can deal with that...

DBT therapy hopefully will help my wife with some emotional skills that will help smooth out some of the journeys bumps. So far it’s good for sure but a long road ahead - 12 months at least working through behavioural change and healing whatever wounds lie beneath her eyes...

fingers crossed...

[Guest_1584]

Thanks very much for going into that fs , appreciated.

Unfortunately since spending that time with ex last mth and it ending badly , it's set off the whole bpd thing for me again and l've been reading up and l guess trying to figure it all out , all over again. l dunno , closure or something. l feel like writing her how sorry l am it ended the way it did but truth is, l didn't do anything , she blew it up . We'd done so well too, managed to mostly stay out of trouble 6wks, double our record, but l could see the strain , she was way over due. lf l didn't smooth the waters over quite a few times along the way she would've popped much sooner.

Anyway , l know you didn't wanna go there just yet or hope but it was really nice to hear of her progress anyway fs none the less. lt still amazes me that she admits things and can see herself. l've never thought my ex could see herself, if only, she certain;y would never admit it anyway. She does come clean with a few tiny tiny things , then pats herself in the back haha,

Day ata time brother.

[TheFarSide]

I think just a case of not one size fits all... traits behave differently in different people...

my wife has unfortunately missed this weeks session - something about a mix up in time etc... she did say she went to the place for the appointment but they had her down for a much another time and she didn’t or couldn’t (big difference between those 2) want to come back later on...

not sure I am totally happy about that as they aren’t very far away however as the initial couple of sessions seem to have worked well I will see what next week brings ... if next week brings no joy then some tough questions are gonna have to be asked.

At this stage I am prepared for what eventuality life brings having already lent on the “better or worse” component of the vows quite heavily.

[TheFarSide]

One of the best things I did was research the BPD traits and seek opinions big, bad and good...

knowing what I was up against and being prepared helped develop a place for me in the mix...

I also found kindred spirits - others whom had been affected by what can occur both in the plain sight of others and also in the quiet of just being alone together with your BPD spouse...

after that Tho I think the best thing I did was refocus on me - regardless of what happens I can only control, help and look after me...

I am not even sure you can get closure at the instigation of a BPD trait sufferer (although that statement might be a little general)...

to genuinely be apologetic is to understand that your actions are not socially acceptable, or are wrong to the person receiving them or you have simply hurt someone ... but that is also taking responsibility for your own actions... that’s a lot of miles to cover when you have the traits of BPD operating in the background of a mind ...

I can only suggest (and I am not religious whatsoever) that we forgive ourselves first - and then forgive your ex ... that latter part is more for you than her but it can help with moving on to a life less clouded by the storms that used to punctuate your relationship/life in general...

Try not to let the whirlpool of the past spin you round again into that central vortex... it’s ok to walk away...

[quirkywords]

Farside

I really like this advice

"Try not to let the whirlpool of the past spin you round again into that central vortex... it’s ok to walk away..."

I get stuck in the what if cycle of the past, and it does not achieve anything but guilt and regret.

Getting knowledge about a condition and then looking after oneself are very useful tools. Quirky

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for taking that time fs , very good of you man and l agree with quirky too.

Yep it's weird how l feel so bad about how things ended when really , she doesn't deserve it , maybe it's more just plane stupid than weird. But then can she even help what she says , l don't know , is it actually really even her , don't know that either . But she's such a loving fun sweetheart when she isn't spitting her venom , and she's had the run with men from hell , which was probably mostly as self inflicted as it was with me l guess anyway buttttt, none the less. whether it's really her or just some bpd she can not control or maybe doesn't even realize , l feel bad for the beauty in the other side of her , and l'd love for her to go out with some kindness for once.from at least one man.

Hope she makes the next appointment man , hope your holding up ok yourself too.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for the messages folks...

The next appointment was made promptly without me asking and all looks good for attending.

looks like I can attribute that last missed time as just a hiccup in the mix ...

to me my wife still feels like she is in a much better place than before ... seems more centred and balanced in her approach... even with the absence of last weeks appointment.

My fingers stay crossed for continued benefit from the process and that time builds and shapes a better place for both of us...

RX the thing with BPD is they shower you with love and adoration the likes that you don’t normally see in a relationship and when it stops it’s hard to rationalise that the person before you is the same person - it helps to know that its just a symptom of the disorder - just like coughing/sneezing when you’ve got the flu... it’s just as automatic and uncontrollable ... they shift from full adoration to not even being able to have two words pass their lips that aren’t designed to cut you down... however - BPD is not a licence to be a horrid human being and we all must react accordingly to our own virtues and instincts to ensure Emotional self survival...

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , and thanks man , l know you have far more things to deal with atm. But yeah l agree, it's no bloody license to treat me however takes her fancy l know that much. But anyway we're over for cert this time , she literally made me sick and that pissed off last , l've had enough of her bs and there'll def' be no more reconnecting for us.

Anyway , l know you don't wanna be jumping up and down so we'll just quietly cross our fingers for things to man. So pleased she at least started some progress , it's at least a start , day ata time eh.

All the best. rx.