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Battling the booze

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

When the black dog bites, many of us reach for a drink. It can ease the pain, help us relax, block out what's going on in our minds. If it's just the odd drink now and then, even one or two a night, there's no harm and maybe even welcome relief. But for some of us, many in fact, literally drowning our sorrows becomes a problem in itself. We drink more and more until the booze takes over, and drinking becomes all we want to do. 

That was me for a long time until I finally realised the combination of booze and depression would kill me. If I wanted to live, if I wanted to be able to manage my depression, I had to get sober. I did, nearly five years ago, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

If booze is controlling you and you're not controlling it, this thread is for you. If you want to regain control - get sober or moderate your drinking (which for many is harder than quitting) or if you're worried you are drinking too much, join us here.

On this thread I'll talk about my battle with the booze and offer advice and support to anyone who is struggling. I welcome anyone who's been there or is worried they are going there, to join in. And I hope others now living sober will come here to help our friends who are struggling.

One thing this thread is not is a place to discuss how much a drink or two helps you. It's not an anti-alcohol thread, but it's not a general discussion about alcohol either. It's for people who are genuinely worried about it or who want to control it, and it's a place of celebration (without judgment about drinkers) for those of us who are now living sober.

I hope anyone who's battling the booze will join us.

Cheers 😀

Kaz 

455 Replies 455

dueb
Community Member

drinking in depression is very dangerous....... geoff

it was so scary the thought of giving up booze.......rhes

one of the things i love the most about giving up is driving at night....moonstruck

hope you are ok,everyone is her for you...thank you's all.

me: yes im ok iv woken up and and taking note of all your advice .

had problems to solve before and been in confronting situations,put under the pump,live or die situations of honer and missions to complete where patients and effort where required.and i just loved it all.but this not just talking about the booze,is a super natural beast that i have underestimated, can't visually see it can't talk to it and try make respectful order of peace,cant physically touch it and therefor kill it.

no flight just fight just fight,i take note and just fight.

I do this every weekend, I find myself having a great time at first then something little happens to upset me then it gets blown way out of proportion. ..

Excuse me for jumping in here folks....just wondered how Kaz is doing? Haven't seen her around for a while. Kaz are you OK? I watched the movie, Unmarried Woman the other day...and thought of you of course, you look so much like one of the actresses in it.

love, Moon S

hi Moon S, Kazz has been appointed to a job type scenario for BB which is keeping her busy, but she does still keep in touch, I maybe talking out of line here, but she's still with us. Geoff.

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hiya Moonstruck - thanks for checking on me hun, that's really kind.

I'm fine thanks, really well. But I have started a new job in the mental health sector and I'm also studying to qualify as a support worker. So life's become crazy busy and exhausting. I have cut back my involvement with the forum for a bit while I settle in, but I'm still keeping an eye on this thread and the bipolar thread.

How are you my dear? Hope all is well.

Love

Kaz

Moonstruck
Community Member

That's excellent news for you Kaz.....it goes without saying that I wish you all the very best - you certainly deserve it....enjoy!!

Thanks for everything....I'll bet when you opened that BB Cafe, you couldn't have imagined the weird collection of ragged hobos, along with elegant bejewelled princesses that would line up to get in and share food, drink and stories...or did you? See ya round! Moon S x

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Haha, hiya Moon. No, I had no idea the cafe would take off like it has. I'm very proud of how it's become something of a BB institution.

How are you doing lovely?

I want to talk a bit about triggers. I had a very unexpected experience this week. One of my classes is on alcohol and other drugs and we had a talk by a guest speaker from AA. It was an excellent talk, but it triggered me big time. It didn't make me want to drink, far from it. But her talking about the effect of her addiction on her family sent me right back to the despair and wasted years when my kids were young and I was drinking constantly.

It was like a wave of guilt and shame swamped me, and I went down for a couple of days. I'm much better today, but it's really made me think. Stuff is still buried, not too far from the surface. And if it's buried for me, what might be buried for my family?

I'm mulling over whether to raise it with them, or whether that might just reopen old wounds. I'd welcome your thoughts and experiences.

Love to all here - and if there are people who are out there struggling and reading this thread, please feel free to join us. We are friends and fellow travellers.

Cheers all

Kaz

Moonstruck
Community Member

Kaz, I am very familiar with that wave of guilt and shame you mentioned, re how I drank too much around my kids and what they went through - horrible, I feel I can never forgive myself for that.

those poor little boys. Now they are men. They both still love me.

since becoming men, and since getting myself together and being the mother I should have been ALL along, I've done my utmost to make it up to them the only way I can...and that is to be the best I can be Today! Now, and forever more as long as I live! I've have apologised to both of them - and revealed the terrible guilt I carry. they have both reassured me "Mum I forgive you".

I don't believe it opened old wounds. I believe they truly have "moved on" to become wonderful men. If only I could forgive myself. It's when I see my little grandson that I get quite overcome. I look at him and realise I once had 2 little boys just like him...and I WASTED those years. I want those little boys back...and I can't ever get that chance again!

I wonder if anyone knows how to forgive "Yourself"???

Kazzl
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

HIya Moonstruck, thanks hun, I really appreciate you sharing that. Yeah, I don't know how to forgive myself either. And I think it's a common thing for us. I was talking with someone in my class about it and they had similar feelings.

Maybe acceptance is the first step before forgiveness. I accept myself and all I've been now, and I'm trying to put the bad stuff to some useful purpose with my work - that's really why I've moved into mental health. And I'm proud of that. But I haven't got to forgiveness yet.

I'm not a12-stepper and never did AA - I had too many issues with the 'higher power' concept and the being 'powerless' thing. But I know one of their steps is to make amends with people you've hurt. I know it works for a lot of people, but it scares the bejebus out of me. Still, I'm wondering if I should try.

Anyone here been through AA's 12 steps? Or found other ways to forgive yourself?

Cheers to you all

Kaz

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Kaz , Moon and All,

Forgiving yourself in any situation can be a very difficult thing to achieve. I have recently been reading about The Four Tasks of Mourning. You may be wondering why I have mentioned that here. I will explain.

It sounds to me like you are both mourning in a way the experiences you feel you have missed out on in life due to your drinking while your children were young. You grieve for those lost years. Those years can not be replaced. At that time you were both doing what you needed at that time for one reason or another.

As someone recently mentioned to me "Hindsight" is wonderful. Maybe if you read through the information on mourning, you may be able to let go of the ghosts from the past and move on.

I can see your stories in my older sister. She drank a lot while her children were young. I was in a different state so probably didn't know the full extent of it. Now one of her boys is an alcoholic and has been in so much trouble due to it.

My sister clings to her children and does all she can for them, they are grown adults, almost 30. Her children always come first. I am wondering if she has demons in her head. Thanks for sharing your stories. It has made me greater understand some issues my sister may have herself.

When my life was a real mess, I would have cornflakes with rum for breakfast so I could at least start my day right or so I thought way back then.

Hopefully you can find ways to make peace with the past.

Hgs to you both from Dools