Battling the booze

[Kazzl]

When the black dog bites, many of us reach for a drink. It can ease the pain, help us relax, block out what's going on in our minds. If it's just the odd drink now and then, even one or two a night, there's no harm and maybe even welcome relief. But for some of us, many in fact, literally drowning our sorrows becomes a problem in itself. We drink more and more until the booze takes over, and drinking becomes all we want to do. 

That was me for a long time until I finally realised the combination of booze and depression would kill me. If I wanted to live, if I wanted to be able to manage my depression, I had to get sober. I did, nearly five years ago, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

If booze is controlling you and you're not controlling it, this thread is for you. If you want to regain control - get sober or moderate your drinking (which for many is harder than quitting) or if you're worried you are drinking too much, join us here.

On this thread I'll talk about my battle with the booze and offer advice and support to anyone who is struggling. I welcome anyone who's been there or is worried they are going there, to join in. And I hope others now living sober will come here to help our friends who are struggling.

One thing this thread is not is a place to discuss how much a drink or two helps you. It's not an anti-alcohol thread, but it's not a general discussion about alcohol either. It's for people who are genuinely worried about it or who want to control it, and it's a place of celebration (without judgment about drinkers) for those of us who are now living sober.

I hope anyone who's battling the booze will join us.

Cheers 😀

Kaz 

[Jimsmit]

Thanks for your reply Kaz. She has tried medication a while ago but thinking about it, I don't know whether she was trying it as an act of looking like she was trying to stop. I think, in all honesty, that as much as she sonetimes says she wants to get better and stop drinking, she also knows she can't.

I guess I'm at the point where I'm wondering whether she'll ever stop as long as she still has her family intact. And if she did want to stop, how that might actually happen. She drinks over a litre of wine a day, yet still functions to an extent. I guess I'm looking for advice based on people in similar circumstances; do I leave with the children in the hope that it's the catalyst for change or do I just keep things as they are and have the children grow up with their mother slowly harming herself with alcohol?

[Kazzl]

Hi Jimsmit - your wife only thinks she can't stop. She can. If she seriously wants to. And if she does, the medication would be worth another try.

I also used to drink that much each day, more in fact. Two bottles of wine a night was normal for me.

Have you talked to your wife about how unhappy and worried you are, and that you're thinking of leaving? That would be the best way to start, rather than just leave. Let her know, in a calm, gentle way, that you are considering it because the drinking is hurting the family and you're worried for yourself and the kids.

It might be the shock she needs, or it might not. I really can't say. But I can say it took a huge shock (drunken attempt to end it all) to make me stop. So it's worth a try.

Does she have any close family members or friends you could talk to about it? People who might be able to help you help her?

Best to you mate

Kaz

[Jimsmit]

Thanks again for your reply. I have left before and have threatened to a number of times. I have spoke to her, written letters, had chats with family member present with her even but nothing seems to register. I have no idea how much she drinks to be honest, although because it was Christmas and we were together for the three days, she had three bottles and a 4 litre cask in the three days. I am thinking that I will take the kids to her parents place tomorrow and sit down with her and talk through it.

I do think that part of her wants to stop but I don't know how she can, nor do i think she knows. What was the process of stopping for you, if you don't mind me asking? Was it the medication or rehab?I just don't know what she should be looking at trying. Please don't feel you have to share anything with me either about your own personal story. Her parents are very supportive of me and of her. They have looked after the kids whenever needed and her mum also said that me leaving with the kids might just be what she needs. It's tough. But it has been tough for seven years...

[geoff]

hi Jimsmit, Kaz has again made some very good points here as she has done through-out this post which she created.
Sometimes when you talk to someone who is drinking alcohol excessively, you can talk until you're blue in the face, but most times they don't hear a word you're saying, it goes in one ear and out the other, and take it as another 'nagging' session.
For me the reason I stop or became a social drinker is for two reasons, firstly our house had to be sold after the divorce, so I had to find somewhere to live, found a house to rent and felt as though I needed to stop/social drinker, and secondly if I drank too much I would have an epileptic seizure, with a grand mal the wosrt type, and there was no way I ever wanted for this to happen again, as I've had several.
I have to agree with her mum that you need to shock her by leaving or telling her to leave, she has to be made aware of what her drinking has being doing, and once she realises she will need extensive counselling, because there could be any temptation for her to start again. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi Jimsmit Both Kaz and Geoff have made some valid points with regards to your wife's alcoholism. If she really wanted to stop or get help, she would. Shock tactics only work if the alcoholic wants help. Leaving her would momentarily shock her, she may even stop drinking for a while. An alcoholic will get help once they admit they have to. I am recovering and with me a severe health scare, plus being called for jury duty meant I had to abstain. I have been 'dry' for quite a while, I still have urges, but my health, plus my job, plus knowing drinking was losing me friends, family etc meant drink had no place in my life. Your wife is the only one who can help herself, asking for help is the first step, accepting it the second. Admitting is the hardest step because alcoholism is an illness and no-one wants to admit they're ill. I made every excuse known to man about my drinking. My kids tried everything. AA for me was a no-no due to the religious side.

Lynda

[Kazzl]

Hi Jimsmit - I used a peer support forum (like this) for alcoholics, called Bright Eye, to help get me through quitting. I found that being able to openly and honestly share the struggles with people who were also going through it immensely helpful. It was like an online version of a daily support group. It's based in the UK but open to people internationally.

Speaking of support groups, has your wife tried SMART Recovery? There are groups all over the country and they have a good online presence as well. But again, it will only work if she's determined to stop.

Jimsmit I'm wondering about what might be behind the drinking. I hope you don't mind me asking, but has your wife shown signs of any mental health problems? It's not at all unusual for people with depression or anxiety to self-medicate with alcohol. We start out using booze as a coping mechanism but it can escalate to the point where it becomes an addiction and is itself the major problem, feeding the depressive or anxious cycle.

There are also some mental illnesses, in particular bipolar disorder (which I have) that have a propensity towards addiction. I was being treated for depression at the time I was drinking, but now know that I was bipolar (untreated) and that contributed enormously to my addiction.

I know from the forum for alcoholism that many many people battling the booze also had mental health issues. In clinical terms I think it's called duel diagnosis. So, it might be worth considering this and including it in your discussions with your wife if you've not already been down that route.

There is a lot of info online about duel diagnosis if you want to do some research.

I hope that helps in some way.

By the way, I think you are a fine husband and dad - I can see you are truly trying to work out the best approach for all concerned, and it must be hurting you. Please make sure you take care of you throughout this difficult process, and know you can reach out here for support for you too. We care about you and your family.

Best wishes

Kaz

[Jimsmit]

Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. I'll keep you updated on how things pan out. Very much appreciated ☺

[Kazzl]

Hi Jimsmit - my pleasure mate. I wish you the very best and look forward to hearing from you. No matter how it goes mate, we are a non-judgemental community here and ready and willing to help and support you.

Kaz

[pipsy]

Hi Kaz. Need a bit of support today. Feeling as though I could cheerfully 'lose' myself. Don't have anything, but really fighting the old 'black dog' today. Supposed to go to my daughter's for barby tonight, not the best company today. Everything in me says 'no', just feeling 'why not'. Help, please.

Lynda

[Moonstruck]

Oh Pipsy - I'm not Kaz...and I can't be of any use to you. I am SO sorry to be replying instead of our dear supportive Kaz or ever reliable Geoff.....in fact this stupid reply of mine is just to reassure you, you are not alone today.

Guess what? I was about to post on here myself, asking for help today! I have something coming up, involving staying at relatives' house - getting extremely anxious - just remembered how I got through these events in past years....by having a drink, that's how! It got me through fine - I am coming up 4 years since giving up alcohol (due to health reasons).

I've just endured lot of pain and distress after my regular check up on the damage it caused....(I'll be OK as long as I don't drink again!) but the anxiety is taking over and I KNOW alcohol will make it go away. That's what I used it for in the past...and it worked!!

I need help today too - what else can I lean on to get me through this crippling worry, over-thinking and imagining worst scenarios. If I had a drink, I wouldn't have to endure this anxiety....I don't know what to do either!!

I am sorry I was no help to you Lynda - but others here will know what to say....please take care and I will try to also........Moon S.