Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I would certainly think it is a ploy, your son will use every lever to gain control over you. That's why he used your cat as a threat to call the police and say you were missing. He knows that is rubbish and I'd imagine unless things have changed giving false information to police in such circumstances is serious.

When that did not work building up the cat's distress sounds a good idea I guess. Anything to get you to do what he wants.

And as I said now is the worst time as thoughts of returning naturally rise in the mind. You are in a strange, lonely and unpleasant place. The fact is hard to imagine but if you did return things would be worse than before you left and you would have an additional sense of defeat.

I'd suggest if you have sufficient money put your cat in a kennels for a few days until things are straitened out or, as Mathy suggests, see if Safe Steps will foster the cat for a little while.

After tonight hopefully you will be working again and have more sense of perspective. Being on your own is pretty horrible. That's why I suggested calling someone like your older son, not to do anything, just to talk.

Do you have a book or a movie or TV you can watch tonight?

Croix

[Mathy]

Hey Branka, sounds like you’re having a tough time 😞

Please listen to what Croix has said about using your cat to pull you back. Please don’t go back, he will have won, who knows what he will do if you return. Things certainly won’t improve, because he will feel like he has more power/control over you.

Do you have a cat carrier - you know, for transporting your cat? If you do, I would suggest that you ring SafeSteps and ask if you can organise a foster carer for your cat until you can find a place to live. Explain that the cat is still at your Son’s house and see if they can suggest the best way to retrieve the cat. For example, a time when you know your son isn’t home and your daughter in law is, pick up cat and carrier, and depart. Then, you have regained control of your life, and the cat’s.

Try and stay strong, all the best cheers M 🙂

[Branka]

Hi Croix

You are right. I have left my cat for 5 days when my middle son got married in Melbourne. I had a work friend check in on her daily and she was fine.i will consider finding alternate care if it comes to that.

May concern now is thay I need to pick up documents from the house that I need for rental applications. I am not sure how to do this. I also need to pick up my uniforms for work. Any suggestions?

I have a tv in the motel and a kindel but I am finding it hard to concentrate on either.

I am working today and over the weekend which will help me keep my mind on present problems. I am also using this time to inspect some rental properties. I hope to find something asap.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

You actually sound a little more positive today. I guess work makes as big a difference for you as it has form e in hte past.

[Croix]

Sorry Branka - the internet ate my post and got indigestion. I'll try again:

... I guess work makes as big a difference for you as it has for me in the past. Was there any hassles about missing a day or so?

With going back to that house while you could try for when your son is out I'd be really keen to have someone go with me. Is there any chance you can ring SafeSteps to see if either they have someone that can come, or know of any agency that will?

Looking at rental properties sounds as if it will take a little time and travel, hopefully you will find something to meet your needs quickly and it is close to your work.

Another night, I hope you can get some rest

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

I talked to the domestic violence team. The lady I spoke to advised me strongly not to return home. She said I should use this time to look for a rental. I have 3 inspections today.

I decided to go back to work as it helps my state of mind and worthiness and I need the money. At present I feel really tired and exhausted but I know I need to keep going. Hopefully things will be better.

I wiil take your wise advice on board and ring safesteps about how to collect the things I need from home. It's hard to know when my son isn't home.

l spoke to my othet son who lives in Croydon and he wanted to know how I managed to get emergency accommodation. I explained how and now I wonder if I did the right thing. I'm sure he won't say anything to my youngest son. I didn't disclose exactly where I am.

Hope today goes well. Thank you Croix.

Branka xxx

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Hope your computer feels better. My son has been messaging me demanding to know where I am. He said that if I don't tell him he will call the police to report me missing. He said that anyone could be messaging him off my phone even though he knows it's me. He then changed his tune and said he is worried about me. So which is it? Is he threatening me or is he really concerned.

He has also threatened to give my cat to the RSPCA because I supposedly abandoned her. I left her with family until I can pick her up. I called safe steps about this. They can find her temporary boarding until I can pick her up. My son is complaing that they have to buy her food. I'd be more than happy to give them money but I am worried about going on my own.

I also need my personal documents for the rental applications. Safe steps said it would be safer to get a police escort. I can't understand why it ever got this bad. Is my son actually aware of the way he is behaving and what impact his behaviour had on me?

My oldest son has anger issues and realized he needed help. I respect him his awareness of his problem and is now seeing a psychologist. My youngest son says he is intelligent and can read people's character like a book. It's sad that he can't see what he is doing to the people atound him.

My son has demanded I return the house key even though I am on the lease. Should I do this? What a mess. It just doesn't seem to get better.

Safe steps said I may be moved to a women's refugee. I actually spoke to my other son who lives here in Melbourne and he wanted to know why I didn't file a report with the police. He said that if I wanted to return to Sydney that he would help me. My problem is financial and I have no where to stay if I were to return. I actually like it here and I am close to my grandson.

I think that's enough from me.

Branka xxx

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

I really am impressed with how you are handling a realy heartbreaking and awkward situation Branka.

My computer is behaving itself again (touch wood) and hopefully this post will not be interrupted.

Now, in reply to what you have mentioned:

While I'm not familiar with normal police practice where you are I'd say getting someone from the police to accompany you would be highly appropriate. I'd think between you and SafeSteps both making a request it's quite possible you could receive some help.

If this does happen I'd suggest getting your cat at the same time . I see no reason to hand over the key if you are the person in whose name the property is rented. You will in any case have to hand it back to the rental firm when the lease expires.

Your son is making every sort of threat and ploy he can think of to get some sort of control over you. He hopes to use the cat as a lever to at least find where you are so as to be able to see you in person and try to overbear your will.

Protestations he is concerned about you are completely at odds with the way he treats you and sadly can only be seen as another ploy. If he had any concern or regard for your welfare he simply would never act as he does. He is completely self-centered.

Being in a refuge may assist in persuading the police to go with you to your old house. The person in charge may be able to lend weight to you request as the possibility of his following you back there must be considered.

I think it is somewhat comforting that your two other sons both sound reasonable, even if they are not in a position to do that much on a practical level.

I hope you have some good luck with the viewings and work is OK

Croix

[Mathy]

Hi Branka,

It’s good that you’ve been able to go to work and that you’re having a look at some rentals, all positive steps.

Your Son is having the adult equivalent of a 2yo temper tantrum because he cannot get his own way. Demanding the return of keys, threatening to take your cat to the RSPCA. Who does he think he is? He certainly has no respect for you.

You have chosen to politely and quietly remove yourself from his life, and he doesn’t like it.

You need to collect your documents and your cat. I suggest that you take up SafeSteps offer and organise an escort to do this. When you turn up with support to collect your rightful property, he will finally realise you are serious. Whether this will stop him in his tracks or not, I don’t know. But your immediate objective must be to reclaim your possessions so that he can no longer hold them to ransom, which is what he is doing.

If you don’t be assertive about this, he will continue to behave as he has, or he will escalate into worse behaviour. It’s a classic bullying, control type of behaviour. Are you concerned that if his focus is not on you that he will harm his wife (your daughter In law) ?

I realise this is difficult when you’re living in a place where you have no close friends, and have to rely on agencies to help you. Your CAN do this, and there are people who will help. You just have to take the steps to trust those agencies and organise it. Once you do that, you’ll have the important parts of your life secure.

Then you can take a deep breath and take the time to figure out how you going to deal with this sorry so and so, who professes to be your son. Basically, he needs to learn some respect.

All the best, hope you’ve seen a place you’d like to live in, hopefully onwards and upwards! cheers M 🙂

[Branka]

Dear Croix and Mathy

I am happy with my decision to return to work. I'm happiest at work where my work mates are pleasant and I have a sense of self worth. I love the elderly dearly and have enormous respect for them (I work in aged care). It's when I get back to the accommodation that my brain goes into overdrive. I feel more relaxed but I can't stop thinking about everything and I miss my cat's company terribly.

With respect to my daughter in law being harassed, I have noticed in the past that when his focus is not on me then it's on her. Although that hadn't always been the case. I'd realized that my son always set the mood. If he was in a good mood all was well. If he was in a bad mood watch out. I'd also noticed that my son could go from being pleasant to being abusive in a matter of minutes. Anyway, my daughter in law said she has ways of handling him.

At the moment I feel as though I don't belong anywhere. Safe Steps ring to see how I am. I want to go home but I know it would be a mistake. At the moment I feel selfish wanting my bed, my things and all that is familiar especially my cat.

I can't lodge any rental applications because I am missing documents. There are moments when I almost feel really positive and then hit rock bottom. It's such an emotional roller coaster.

Branka xxx