Anxiety and depression/loneliness

[Branka]

Hi to everyone. I have recently moved to Melbourne from Sydney to be with my 2 younger sons and grandson. It was a major decision as I had been living in Sydney for 50 years. I thought that moving would be great. My anxiety and depression has become worse. I have had clinical depression since I was 16 and anxiety for most of my life.

I am living with my youngest son and his wife. He abuses me verbally and emotionally and I now wonder if the move was wise. I simply don't have the energy nor finances to move back to Sydney. I feel lonely and sad as I just don't know what to do. I have no friends however, I have started working whicj has made me feel better.

I am divorced and unable to protect myself from my son's abuse. This is making me extremely anxious and sad. Why did I move in with him? Because I thought he may have changed particularly as he had recently married. I was wrong and feel really confused.

I am new to this forum and hope that I can find some support. Thank you.

[TWIRLY]

Hi Branka, I joined Meetups. There are many different groups on there that you can join. Anything from scrapbooking to walking to reading groups and everything in between. You can even start your own group. Perhaps for people in a similar situation to support each other. You can meet in an agreed place ie a park, a cafe etc. Everyone I have met are absolutely lovely.

I've been in a similar position to you but it was my daughter who had a problem with me and now she has chosen not to talk to me. It has ripped my heart out but I've had to grin and bear it. I'm in Brisbane and she and my gorgeous 9yo granddaughter moved to Sydney in January this year. I hate them being so far away.

I stood up to my daughter after she ripped into me saying I needed managing, can't hold a job down plus many other things. I, of course, took her tirade on board and I went backwards after analysing the things she told me. After sleeping on it and talking to a friend I spoke to my daughter and she backed down a bit. I had made a list of what I wanted to say to her and I felt better afterwards. It's very controlling behaviour and your son appears to be after one thing. Your money.

I really feel for you in your situation. At least I was in my own place. Have you thought about share accommodation with 1 or 2 other women of a similar age? That would be cheaper and you'd have people around you without walking on eggshells.

I hope you are in a better place now. I haven't read all the replies so I hope I haven't doubled up with my reply. X

[Branka]

Hi Twirly

Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry that you had issues with your daughter. I don't know if you have resolved those issues. My youngest son had been emotionally and psychologically abusing me for 12 years and it took a long time to understand that it was classified as domestic violence. It was awful. I was so confused, anxious and depressed and didn't know how to handle the situation.

I moved to Melbourne to help him and his wife buy property. But his abusive behaviour towards me has changed my mind. He won't take responsibility for his actions or behaviour and blames everything on me. Everything I said and did wad wrong including my body language and tone of voice.

I just didn't know how to act and I was constantly treading on egg shells when he was around. He says he wants to look after me but it's obviously on his terms. There is no way that I can talk to him to help him understand what he is doing to me.

I tried the flatmates but it didn't work out. I have found a rental which will suit me better.

As for Meetup unfortunately I haven't been to one yet as I work quite alot. But I will definitely go. I need to socialise more as I tend to be a bit of a hermit.

Unlike your daughter my son won't back off. He has said that when I move out (in 2 weeks) he doesn't want anything to do with me because I am ruining his life.

Branka xxx

[Heaths4281]

Hi Everybody,

I really dont know where to start, but i think this forum could be a good start. I am struggling at the moment. I feel isolated and cant talk to my partner who i am now living with. So much going on, im just so glad i have my Uni to focus on.

I seem to move to place to place and find i fail in every relationship i get into when i move. Not feeling the best at the moment.

[Heaths4281]

Sorry about yesterday,

We cant be gumdrops and rainbows all the time, after posting the above post i decided to do things which were only positive to pull myself out of it.

I made a few calls to put my current situation in a better position. Things are looking a little better.

[Croix]

Dear Heaths4281 (with a wave to Branka and all)~

I'm sorry you were not that good yesterday and glad things look a little better now. Knowing what to do does take experience. Now, I can't find an original thread for you. I did notice you have popped into several threads and talked briefly to people there.

That's fine, no hassles, you don't have to. It is quite possible however you might like to talk in more depth with people about your own situation, and having your own thread is normally the way to do it (for one thing it's easier to keep track of what you say).

Would you like to make a thread of your own where we can catch up more? It's not difficult, just go to a section of the Forum you think might be appropriate, such as Depression, Anxiety or whatever and hit the green NEW THREAD button, then say whatever you'd like.

I'll keep an eye out in case you decide to do this

Croix

[Branka]

Hi Croix

Not feeling the best at the moment. As you know I confided in my two older sons about their brother's abusive behaviour towards me. Now I feel so bad as though I have torn my boys apart from each otter.

Let me explain. Both my youngest son's brothers want as little to do with him as possible. They find him rude , arrogant and self opinionated. My oldest son days my youngest son is a sociopath. My middle son dislikes the way he has been treating me.

My youngest son says that I have destroyed his relationship with his brothers. He won't admit that he is to blame much for this. He even threatened his oldest brother with violence and told his other brother and his family to get out of his house.

My youngest son is blaming me and I feel awful. I feel so guilty for confiding in them in the first place. At the time I didn't know about BBs forum and had no one else to turn to.

I feel like such a loser at the moment. How can I make things right?

Branka xxx

[Mathy]

HI Branka,

I’m glad that you’ve found a suitable flat to rent - whoopeee!!!

As to your sons, I will say this. They are all adults and you’ve spent many years nurturing them. Your youngest has chosen to show you no respect. The other 2 are essentially supporting your point of view - they will sort it out between themselves.

I say, head down, bum up and roll on the 13th of November. Look forward to this.

Your job is to manage living where you are until 13/11/2017. After that, enjoy your new living space, your job, make new friends, spend time with the 2 sons who do love and respect you.

Branka, I had the opposite problem, a Mother who was controlling and manipulative. She would belittle me in front of my sister, her friends and my friends - I was never good enough. I put up with that for 45 years - pushing her out of my life and letting her back in when feeling guilty. Finally she went a step too far, and I said enough is enough, I never spoke to her again, my sister did the elder care etc, when it inevitably was needed. In reality she needed professional help, which she refused to acknowledge was required.

Your younger son is similar - I doubt that he’s immediately going to realise he needs some professional help. It’s no fault of yours, but please don’t waste your precious life feeling guilty about him. If I was to encourage you to worry about anyone (and I’m not), I have concern for his poor wife.

Sorry to be a bit harsh, but this sort of stuff makes me want to be protective, I’ve done some volunteer stuff around DV. I’m really looking forward to that post from you when you move - gee, I hope you don’t get so happy, we don’t get to hear the happy ending 😊

The best as always, cheers M 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Branka~

When we bring up children things are pretty much one way. While love may flow in both directions the same is not true for guidance, example and comfort. There the parent 'brings up' the child.

As time goes on in a good family the flow stops being one way. Little things at first - help with the dishes, Bigger things in time, maybe running mum to the shops. At the same time support should start to be two-way. A parent hopes to bring up a well-rounded adult capable of giving as well as receiving on all levels.

So what is more natural when in distress to look to adult children for help, perspective and comfort? Frankly at some stage parent and child should become pretty near equals, (though many parents tend to overlook that fact).

Your younger son is at it again, accusing everyone but himself of bad behavior.

You said

He even threatened his oldest brother with violence and told his other brother and his family to get out of his house.

I guess that says it all.

I do admire you Branka. You have come though a situation that would be too much for many and have a better future unfolding in front of you - thanks to your own efforts. You are far from being a loser, and you cannot do anything to heal the rift in your family. You did not make it, and your younger son is the only one who can repair the effects his shocking behavior has made.

Roll on the 13th

Croix

[Branka]

Hi all

When I am not working I leave the house early. At the moment I feel so uncomfortable being there because my son and his wife are not talking to me. Maybe this is a good thing but it feels so awkward.

When I am home I isolate myself in my room. I try to find things to do and get home late. I personally feel they are being extremely childish. So much for my son saying he is an intelligent adult. Adults don't behave this way. If he does talk to me he is abrupt and only complains about things.

You are right Croix my sons are adults and can solve their own differences.

On a good note I am actually moving on the 8th not the 13th. I can hardly wait. Being at home makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I am intruding and an outsider. I don't even feel like family. My son looks at me with great disappointment as though I have let him down.

Branka xxx

[Jenn24]

Hello All ~ I am Jenn and I don't meant to butt in but I just wanted to say after reading your posts Branka you are a brave and amazing lady to have couped as well as you have under the circumstances....

Your son is the one that needs help. *He is the only one that can do that* Your other sons are adults and will live their lives their way.

This is your turn now... roll on the 8th. If I lived in Melbourne we could have met up and compared notes... LOL